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17 hours ago

So, I haven't post anything on this website since I've joined. I decided to share some of my writing, so I could know your opinions on it, how I can improve or what needs to be fixed. The following passage is from my old discontinued novel which is translated to English and re-written. 

«Now that I think about it, I might've been one of the unluckiest people to ever exist; but if there's one good thing in my life, it must be my husband, Brandon. No one has ever been as kind as he is to me. He just cares and worries so much, which makes me hate myself. I've been so ungrateful towards him. Well, maybe if I was the old me, I wouldn't say that about myself. But it really does feel unfair that he is this kind and loving to me and I just brush him off and say "F*ck off. I don't have time for you." and he never gets upset, he just forgives me because I'm depressed.» 

Opinions

16 hours ago

Glad to see you shared something you wrote here! :D

With that being said, what are you looking to have critiqued?

Because given that its only one paragraph long, all I personally have to say is that it seems to be a consistently presented monologue of someone. There's not much to go off of is what I'm saying. The dialog feels raw but not in an overly self indulgent way, just feels like what someone would think to themselves to sort of process their own thoughts I guess.

Idk if that's what you were going for, but that's the impression I got anyways.

So yeah, what are you looking for to have critrued? I hope what I said helps/is useful in some way though! :O

EDIT: Ok, so I thought of more to say. You could consider separating the paragraph into two or three smaller ones. It really depends on what the pacing is in comparison to the rest of your novel.

Opinions

16 hours ago
Is this the opening of the book?

I do like think the first sentence is pretty strong, and the second one is fine, but it meanders a bit after that. We don't really get a concrete idea of who either of these people are aside from the fact the narrator has some emotional issues.

But it'd be much easier to give a substantial critique of a longer passage to be honest.

(And it's okay to say fuck here.)