Forums » Creative Corner » Read Thread

I'm very new here and have never written a story game before but had a basic idea for one. I have written the first page so far and plan to have three main paths that branch off of this first page. As the title of this post implies, I am looking for initial feedback on the overall idea and direction of this story. I know there is not much here, but I want to start it off on the right foot and see if this concept is actually interesting to a reader. Here's the first page:

“So, which one will it be?” asks the priest.

You are suddenly whisked out of your daydream about what you will be able to do once this whole ordeal is over. The ordeal, of course, being the all too familiar Crystaling, a ritual that every noble goes through on their 18th birthday in which they choose one of three colored gemstones to keep with themselves for the remainder of their natural lives. You have sat through these time and time again and do not really see the point in going through with it. You are only just starting your training to become a librarian under the guidance of Alfred Blitz, a tall man with a square face, thin black hair, and sunken eyes. He used to be a wizard, but he lost his touch and now he spends his days toiling away in the royal library. You have tried to ask him about what it was like being a wizard, but he always shrugs you off and tells you to organize books by page number or something else monotonous, so you have stopped trying to pry.

With your focus back on the three gems in front of you, you try to remember what you can about the properties of each one.

The first is the grizmald, a dark green gem with a relatively dull look compared to the other two. This gem is said to give the bearer an affinity with nature. Someone with this gem is easily able to grow any plant they wish and gains an affinity with wild animals. Some who choose this gem choose to become druids later in life, not that this sounds particularly interesting to you.

The second is an azulire, this gem reminds you of the sea near Newport and boasts a light yet appealing sea blue color. Someone who bears an azulire is prone to being more perceptive and usually gains an increased intellect. Some say that this gem can also allow the bearer to breathe under water for short periods of time, but this has never been fully tested before.

The last is a flarian, this fiery red gem is the most dazzling and also the most interesting. Unlike the other two, a flarian does not provide much in terms of passive abilities. Most agree that it does almost nothing when being worn by the bearer except for glowing when danger is near. Some say that they feel stronger when holding it, but you are pretty sure this is a placebo effect. The real power of a flarian comes out when you need it most. At any time, one can smash the gem by using both hands and a firm grip to unleash its full power. Most people who choose this gem never use it because they never have need and because of its extreme value. The few who have smashed a flarian said it increased their strength, intellect, and dexterity tenfold for almost an hour. However, this brief moment of power comes at a high cost. Most people who have experienced the full power of a flarian try anything to get their hands on another one. It is a high rivaled by nothing else and can be detrimental to anyone who learns to crave the power after it is gone

You remember that Alfred encouraged you to pick the azulire, since it gives the bearer an increased intellect. Alfred picked this one when he went through his Crystaling and found it to be very useful. Now is the time to get serious about your career, so it might be a good idea to pick this one. However, no one is forcing you to pick any one of these, so it is ultimately up to your discretion.


Pick the Grizmald
Pick the Azulire
Pick the Flarian

Overall idea: it's fine. More showing instead of telling would have filled the details of the idea in more, but, even as unfleshed out as it is, it's compelling enough for me to continue reading the story.

Direction of the story: it's good. It makes sense for the first choice to be which gem you pick given the premise of the story.