Non-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Find proofreaders here, useful resources, and share opinions and advice on story crafting.
TheLoneWanderer

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Hello everyone! Name´s Miguel and I´m From Venezuela -small, crappy and smelly country in South-America-

I have been reading through a few stories on the site and I must say I JUST LOVE THE FREAKING THING!!!

After years of looking for a place like this I must say that it was worth it Well, I decide that after 3 months of just reading I want to make a contribution to the site and make my first Storygame. There goes a little background:

+"The path for Revenge is a dark one" - "In the absence of light, darkness prevails" Depending on what path you choose to follow these two phrases will play an important role on the history, The City of Astamacus, one of the biggest and magnificent in the world of Caldria, was build above a sea of blood and death, hundreds of war, the life of millions and the hatred of all their neighbor nations. It hides a very a dark secret, the source of all its power... is the life of their own people.

This huge achievement of mankind is destined to fall, and you will play a role on its destruction, either as Zai or Aran you can make the outcome of the war changue, for better or worse...

Although there is another important character in the play, if you get any of the endings You will be able to see how the journey of the lone wanderer ends.

But only the True Ending can show the Suffering He went Through.+

 

So what you think?

It´s Still in beta so maybe i´ll changue a few things. I´m gonna try to make it really big and satisfactory play, I have already started writing, maybe it will take me a month or three, but i´m gonna dedicated a lot of time on it. So I hope You like it!

-Sorry for any grammar mistake I may make, english isn´t my native language so its kinda hard to make things perfect.

Fleshnblood_78

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

3 months is not a bad time frame. great stories deserve the time it takes it write them. speed means nothing in the grand scheme of things. welcome to the site.

nate

JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
I would usually tend to agree with Fleshy, but that's a very loose rule. For instance, OMS (The Order of the Midnight Sun) is my "flagship" storygame at the moment (my best), it's rated number 1 on the site and it was written in way under a week. But to do that, you'd need to write like 80-100 pages a day, and it's really hard to do that unless you're really familiar with the editor, so three months isn't a bad time frame at all.

A few tips:
1. Use the advanced editor. If you use the basic editor for an "epic" project, you'll regret it 50,000,000 times. Take it from someone who's writen three or four stories over 350 pages.

2. Read EVERYTHING in the Help & Info (because it really can't hurt, can it?). I'd particularly focus on the stuff on the advanced editor.

3. Have fun with it! Can't stress that enough.

4. If as you're writing, you get an idea for something that will happen down the line (and this will happen) then open up a notepad document and write it down. Seriously, this is probably the #1 thing that I'd recommend.

And your idea sounds great, just stick to your guns and don't give up :D
madglee

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Waddya mean it's #1 on the site. Mommy has held that since 2006, ya bastard. :P

JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
Hahahah misunderstanding, here's what I meant:

If you add up all of Mommy's ratings, you get 296 ratings.
If you multiply the 8's by 8, 7's by 7, etc. and add them all up you get 2073.

2073/296 = 7.003378

If you add up all of OMS's Ratings, you get 49 ratings.
If you do the multiplication as noted above, you get 370.

370/49 = 7.55102
TheLoneWanderer

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Thanks for the Support! I really appreciate it. And the reason because I say it will take about 1-3 months (Not sure, maybe more, I am trying to make this really good) is the amount of word that I had to do to write in English. Don´t get me wrong, i know to speak, write and read English but I´m able to think much more freely in spanish.

1-brainstorm some ideas in my notebook

2-create a page from those ideas in word

3-traslate to english (ARG!!! HATE GOOGLE TRANSLATOR)

4-Fix the Translator grammar errors (The most annoying part)

5-Finally, cut and copy all on the site.

My long and tedious journey of creating a good story for you guys!

th*mage*of*kings

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
Awesome man! I love that you took the time to learn AND correct english. I gotta say, there's Canadiens, Australians and Americans here, but you're the first Venezuelan I know. I'll go check that out now. Oh, and listen to JJJ, he knows the system.
th*mage*of*kings

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
Sorry, I meant I'll look forward to it
TheLoneWanderer

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Just Figure a sistem to write at least 10 pages per day, making my work much more easier.

There goes the first page:

You are standing right in the center of a great room. Taking a moment to look around, you watch with astonisment the inner parts of the the temple of Destiny. You walk slowly towards the only door on the room made of a very rusty steel, after closer inspection you can see the words "Destiny" and "Death" carved on the door. As You open the door, it makes a very loud and unpleasant sound, like thousands of men screaming in agony, but you maintain Yourself calm and keep going further into the darkness.


You find yourself walking through a dark hallway, inside of your mind you wonder if all your efforts for finding this curse place at the end of the world will be worth it. After a very long time walking you catch sight of a weak ray of light deep in the hallway, excited you start running.


In the end of the hallway You see a great beam of a bloody, red light but as You closer You see with great surprise that there seems to be an humanoid form inside the light, when You are just 20 feet away from it, the form comes out of the light revealing itself. From what You can see he is a average heigh man with the face covered by a hood.


"You have reach really far for one of your kind Wanderer, I admire that, so I will give one chance to look inside the well of fate and ask a wish" After saying this the presence signals you with its finger to follow him, and so you do.

So, what you think?

Sunshine

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Sounds good, I'll be looking forward to playing it.

Sunshine

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Oops.

 I meant to say: I'm looking forward to playing it.

JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
Well written, absolutely impeccable for ESL.

A few notes:

You, and Yourself are not capitalized in English (unless they are the first word in a sentence of course). Capitalizing words like these really interrupts the flow of your writing.

In the third paragraph it should be "you move closer" not "you closer". And again, make sure not to capitalize "You." (Only, I is capitalized, as well as proper nouns).

An goes before words that begin with a vowel. So it wouldn't be An Zebra or An Humanoid like you have, but things like An Eagle or An Arrow work.

A goes before words that don't begin with a vowel. So a Zebra or a Humanoid work but A Eagle or A Average like you have, don't work.

Just some grammar tips that you can use to improve your writing.
TheLoneWanderer

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Thanks for the tips, as I say before I still got a lot to learn, Well I better go fix the story.

JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
I hope you don't mind me correcting your English, just let me know if you would rather that I didn't. My aim is that you file the corrections away and slowly improve your writing by keeping them in mind, but like I said, if you'd rather I didn't correct, just let me know. Your story sounds great, just don't forget to implement some good character development.

GRAMMAR CORRECTIONS

"say" should be "said" because you're in the past tense. This is a tough one, but just try and keep it in mind.

"I" should be "I've" or "I have".

No need to capitalize after a comma. ("Well" should be "well").
TheLoneWanderer

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

XD oh, man.

You sound just like my old english teacher, and don´t worry, as I say (I mean "said") before, I really want to make this story really good, so I appreciate the help. By the way, I am looking for a name to give the villain of the story, I just can´t think of one, and naming the bad guy "Pedro" is not exacly a good idea. So, I accept suggestions.

JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
No glaring errors at all there, I'd give that an A xD

Since this is Fantasy (correct me if I'm wrong on that), I'd say that generally it's a safe bet to include the letter-pairing "or" or "ol" in the name of your villain. For instance Moldolloth or Mordor both provoke negative reactions. I'd stay away from any sort of nice sounding name without dissonance like Elewa or Arelia and the like because it provokes a positive reaction if you do. The exception to this rule is S's. The letter S goes both ways, so to speak.

Just a few ideas:
Zenzur
Kedurak
Sessta
Nahr

Or if you're looking for more contemporary names:
Ivan
Kalub
Boris
Jimson
JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
My favorite of those is Kedurak, btw.
TheLoneWanderer

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Hmmmm... I think something like Barnie sounds evil, xD. Let me see, Nahr sounds good to me, though I still don´t decide. What do you think of Raize?

JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
Love the Z. I also like how the word "Raise" can mean to destroy buildings. Sounds like a good pick to me.
deadly_sinner66

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

Bahahahah Jimson! That was funny. It's nice to see that the CYS community helps people as well. For a while I thought that correcting people was an asshole thing to do.

JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
If I was going to be a diabolical mastermind plotting and conniving to take over the world, step one would be to change my name to Jimson. Write that down.
deadly_sinner66

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

I still believe it's appropriate to mention that saying Jimson was funny.

Jeff

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

I've come up with a partial list of names NOT to use as villains. :P

Keith, Tom, Evan, Allen, Rick, Charlie, Ronald, Craig, Billiam, Joey... the list goes on and on.

JJJ-thebanisher

My first Storygame!

14 years ago
Jeff
Jeff

My first Storygame!

14 years ago

   Rusty, Bobbert, Kitty, Andy, Kevin, Jimmy...