(Also known as "Procrastination 3: The Final Shitpost".)
I know what you're thinking. "Sent, where the fuck is CHOPPED!?"
And to that I say... I'm, uh, getting to it. For now I have way too many thoughts on something else. Namely, gun laws. However you feel about them, I feel like it's my job as a fiction writer to think of only the most creative and elaborate ways to break every single one of them. (DISCLAIMER: None of this is to be taken as legal advice. None of it is to be taken as illegal advice, either.)
However, unless you really have the passion for it, studying laws is boring and really not worth the effort. But as usual, my own poorly researched presentations for the purposes of shitposting only go as far as it's fun. As such, my goal isn't to break these laws, debate about them, or any such silly shit. My goal is to answer a simple gradeschool question.
As simple as an innocent 5th grader typing "who committed the most crimes" into google, I want to know how to create the most cursed object imaginable. Something you get in trouble just for owning. I want to know what hypothetical gun commits the most crimes by its very existence.
Of course, I'm going to be going on American laws, simply because of the fact that because Americans are allowed to have guns, they have more laws to break. If you go somewhere else, it's like, your crime was merely owning a gun in the first place. There aren't as many weird qualifications (that I know of) which constitute what sort of gun is banned and what is allowed. And that's the kind of gun that I want to (pretend to) build. A horrible frankenstein of things that lawmakers believe should not be.
So I came up with a preliminary sort of design using this flash game called "Pimp My Gun". Ladies and gents, I present to you, the most illegal shotgun I could come up with. Also known as "Dick Dastardly Mark I".
My design here was simple, with no regard for practicality whatsoever. it has a potentially bottomless magazine thingy, which can be adjusted to whatever amount your state needs it to be in order to be illegal. It also has a magazine detachment button, which is also a hot-button topic in some states. Mostly California. The gun is supposed to be one of those ones where the top barrel recoils and this pulls back the pump-action. The barrel is also mind-blowingly short. If there's one thing I know about shotguns, it's that the shorter the barrel is, the more illegal it is.
So you may be asking "Why did you put the bayonet there if the thing slides back!?" and I gotta be honest, that was mostly because I feel like, if there was somehow a way to turn off the automatic function, you could in theory reload by stabbing somebody, and that seems like a very criminal thing to do. And, also, a bayonet holder gives you the option of adding serrated or angular blades, which are banned by the Geneva Convention. Not necessarily a legal offense in private use, but as somebody who doesn't know any laws, I have to scoop up all the bonus illegality I can. Honestly, as short as the barrel is, you're likely to get spread so bad that you'll accidentally shoot the knife and end up with a "serrated edge" anyway.
You might also be asking, "Why is there one of those m16 cones hanging off the back of the barrel?" and the answer to that is... Uh, it's made to represent one of those flintlock grips that are on shotguns which I've been told are illegal at some point, because you can only have pistol grips if there's no stock or something...
But, then I got to studying. I decided, in order to break the most laws possible, I would have to pick one particular place and stick to it. Partially because you can only really break laws in one place at a time, and a jack of all trades is a master of none. A not-insignificant portion of this decision also came from the fact that I don't want to spend hours on end reading up on how to break laws in all 50 states, because that's going to turn this shitpost into a doctoral essay without the proper research behind it or money that comes from it. And nobody wants that.
I also really don't want to study how to break the laws of my own state, because I assume this train of thought has me on enough Government Warning Lists to justify being taken in for questioning if anybody in the entire midwest ever gets shot. Hopefully that never happens again.
I decided I'd look into Californian gun laws. Why did I choose these? Because they were allegedly the most restrictive in the united states. Now, like I said before, restictiveness of laws doesn't necessarily mean there's a large quantity of laws to be broken, but because there's still plenty of wacky 'Murican gun owners in California, I figure there's at least a good amount of sweeping guidelines that a non-lawyer peasant like me can trundle through.
After doing some reading, it looks like with my initial design of the Dick Dastardly Mk 1, I did some things right, and some things not-so-right.
I found out that the only thing that makes "birdshead" grips like those "illegal" at least in these terms, is that it doesn't count as a proper shotgun grip and therefore makes it "any other weapon" under NFA laws. So it's not illegal, it just changes the rules. And because I changed the rules, I also don't know what rules there are to break anymore.
As hilarious as it is to have made an overly heavy and dangerous-to-fire one-handed auto-shotty, I'm afraid the DDM2 (I'm already making up acronyms with numbers on them! I feel so tactical already) will have to have more traditional "shotgun" features so it can break more laws than it does.
So, what rules are there in California? In summary- A lot. But Wikipedia has given me a handy TL;DR of the usual topics in their article entitled "Gun Laws in California" which I'm entirely too lazy to link.
Obviously, the things that would be most pivotal to my design would be the assault weapons ban. It comes with a handy dandy list of "banned features" that I can't actually find anywhere, and unfortunately I've looked into "what constitutes an assault weapon" in conjunction with "how does an automatic shotgun work" more than I'm comfortable with google seeing. Even though they already have. Man, I wish Duckduckgo didn't periodically cease to exist as a homepage every few months and force me to use yahoo.
But, I at least know a few rules that I can break:
No magazines can hold over 10 rounds. (Already done! I knew I was doing something right!)
No muzzle brakes or "flash suppressors".
No magazine drop buttons. (Already done. I'm a Law Nostradamus.)
No telescoping stocks.
No forward pistol grips.
No regular pistol grips?
Some of these are okay if you have a fixed magazine, but I suppose that would depend on what part of the NFA you fall under. I want to make an illegal shotgun, because shotguns and their length laws are kind of what inspired this whole debacle, but I'm really having trouble finding a simple list of rules to break. I mean really, how hard is it to give me a concise list of things I shouldn't do? Isn't that what laws are supposed to be, anyway!?
So, here we go. Dick Dastardly Model 2
Here I'm just assuming there's gonna be some sort of blowback design or some shit that allows the shotgun to be fully automatic and dangerous to everyone including the wielder, with the additions previously mentioned. A flash hider to, uh... Hide shotgun flash? So that nobody will know which direction you shot them from? A forward pistol grip just so that shooting this thing will only break one of your wrists at a time, and a telescoping stock that I only did the bare minimum to include due to a new parameter I'd only just learned about.
See, the key to making a shotgun illegal (and another reason that those birdhead grips are unpopular) is not making it long enough. Just like with penises, the longer it is, the more people generally like it. So it is with shotguns. Not only is there a minimum barrel length, but there's also a minimum overall length. The "OAL" MUST be longer than 26 inches, and the barrel lengthe MUST be longer than 18 inches.
(Pictured here, the most legal shotgun in the United States. The only time it could possibly be illegal is if you shoved it up your ass in Texas, but more on that later.)
Since this illustration is not to scale in any capacity, I can only assume via proportions that the barrel is as short as is feasibly possible for a critter like this, and hopefully that the gigantic shotgun-sized muzzle hider doesn't count as part of the barrel. And the stock is inevitably going to add to the length, which is why I just decided to add a "vestigial" stock that still telescopes, making it illegal, but wouldn't actually touch your shoulder very well.
To be honest, why would you want it to touch your shoulder, since this is a blowback-operated automatic shotgun, the top bit moves back and forth. Shooting it like a rifle would clearly just be for cheese-grating the skin off your face! This weapon was clearly designed to be shot 1920s-gangster-style with the stock against your bicep. A short barrel, rapid-fire shotgun designed to shoot from the hip. This is Collateral Damage in engineered form, I feel like somebody should make a law against this sort of thing.
I feel truly proud of how many laws I imagine that this has broken without actually knowing what any of them are. Now, I'm only struggling to figure out what other laws I could possibly break. So, I've taken yet another haphazard and cursory glance into what sort of modifications are illegal just in case there's any hope for making this gun just that little bit more wrong after you've already bought it off the black market. In looking for this, I also foud the California department of Justice's official "Assault Weapons Identification Guide" just in case there's any significant features that I missed.
I learned that it's illegal to turn a weapon that fires .50 BMG cartridges and and larger into a fixed-magazine gun. What this means is, if it fires bullets bigger than your middle finger, you're not allowed to turn it into a gun that has to be disassembled in order to put more bullets into it. Some say it's for safety reasons, others say it's so there's less legal loopholes that gunmakers can use to make their giant-bullet guns "technically not assault weapons". But we're upstanding, non-law-abiding citizens here, so we want to do everything we can to avoid loopholes.
So, using the already cartoonishly large barrel and extraction hole thingy, I'm perfectly sure whatever we were firing before is big enough that we could also accomodate .50 BMG rounds. In which case, my next design will implement the Illegal Button. Which will fill the space between the magazine port and the magazine with gorilla glue, a quick and simple way to make it fixed-cartidge. You can add your own soldering later if you're deadset on it, but this is just the emergency route for people who are really in a rush and need to break as many laws as they can in a short period of time.
This unique Illegal Button can also be useful without the .50 BMG, as it will be impossible to unload the gun without shooting or disassembling with it, meaning you must travel with it loaded, which goes against gun transport laws.
Another thing of note is that, if I've interpretted the wording of this identification guide correctly, a lot of assault weapons are also defined by their make and model. Of course! How could I have not realized this? It's a whole new realm of possibility. Not only can I break gun laws, I can also infringe on patents and copyrights!
So, with the very extent of my false legal knowledge thoroughly exhausted, I present to you my final (and not that much different) design. The Winchester and Koch AK-47 DDM3
That's the most illegal gun I could think of, at least. If any of you with more knowledge and experience can inform me on more things not to do, or if shotguns in California are out of the meta entirely as far as the sheer amount of laws that could possibly be broken by a gun, and that I should've picked pistols or rifles or something, please let me know. I'm all about ridiculous sci-fi weapons at the moment. To the personal FBI agent I now have, the only thing I can say is, I'm sorry, and that I really didn't mean any harm by trying to figure out which gun was the best one to break the law with... It's really not as bad as it sounds, I promise!
Up next on Sent's stupid shenanigans: Figuring out a feasible way to break the "It's illegal to carry a concealed weapon over 6 feet long" law that presumably exists in Texas.
THIS WAS IMPORTANT! How else will Americans know what kinds of guns they're NOT allowed to make!?
I'm so glad I spent time reading this. Now, as a resident of California, I know how to break as many gun laws as I can. As an added bonus, it's even more illegal for me to own this gun because I'm a minor.
Quick! Buy it while you still can. You'll only be young enough to break this many laws at once for a limitted time!
(This is also a joke, NSA.)
Wow. That's an eventful 4 years. I'll start preparing immediately.
I refuse to be held responsible for any inaccuracies of any kind.
I don't see the problem here. Even my Shotgun Hat is accurate.