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Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Everyone having a fun time in their little quarantine bubble? Just chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool? Well fuck that shit, because it's time to destroy what little faith in humanity you had left! Here are ten random facts to ruin your childhood! ^_^

10. This one’s for you, Mizal! I know that Mary Poppins is your favourite movie! I mean who the fuck doesn’t love Mary Poppins? Julie Andrews is magical! Dick Van Dyke is probably the most loveable actor of all time! And those little kids Jane and Michael. How fucking cute were they? Too bad nothing ever came of little Michael’s acting career when he grew up. Probably because the actor, Matthew Garber, went off on a tour of India where he contracted hepatitis and died at the tender age of 21… Just thought you’d like to know. ^_^

9. Who here loved the film “Song of the South” when they were a kid? I know I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, the film never got a DVD release since, by today’s standards, a lot of themes in the movie are really, super racist... Even more unfortunately, it’s not just the themes in the movie that are really, super racist. James Baskett, the lead actor of the film who played the loveable Uncle Remus, did not attend the film’s premier in Atlanta, Georgia. Why? … Racism! Atlanta was racially segregated by law, so despite being the fucking lead actor, right there on the screen for all the white folks to enjoy, there’s no way he could sit in the audience with those white folks! He might get his dirty, nigger germs on them! >.<

8. Besides being a racist, Walt Disney was a massive misogynist. A letter has surfaced on the internet that belonged to a woman who applied for a Disney training school for animators. The response reads, in part: “Women do not do any of the creative work in connection with preparing the cartoons for the screen, as that task is performed entirely by young men. For this reason, girls are not considered for the training school.” The letter goes on to say that the only work available to women involves tracing the characters onto clear celluloid sheets, but they don’t recommend that the woman applies as there are very few openings in comparison to the number of girls that apply… Charming. :p

7. Another movie I loved when I was a kid is The Wizard of Oz! The Scarecrow, The Tin Man, The Cowardly Lion. The Lion’s costume sure was cool, right? The fur looked just like a real lion! … Almost exactly like a real lion… Because it was a real lion… In fact, several real lions… Yeah, sorry to break it to you guys, but the Cowardly Lion’s costume was made of real lion fur. They actually killed lions specifically to make it… Now I am sad. :’(

6. And in case I haven’t already completely put you off of The Wizard of Oz, little Dorothy was molested by munchkins… I swear to god, I’m not making this shit up. After Judy Garland’s death, her former husband Sidney Luft claimed that Garland had told him of how the munchkins on the set of The Wizard of Oz would make her life a misery by constantly groping her and putting their hands under her dress… “We represent the paedophile guild! The paedophile guild! The paedophile guild!”

5. Who here knows that Christopher Robin was a real person? The character of the little boy Christopher Robin from all of A.A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh stories was actually based on Milne’s own son. The Hundred Acre Wood is a real place, and all our favourite stuffed animals, Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Eeyore, Kanga and Roo were all little Christopher’s real toys! Isn’t that awesome? … Well, not for Christopher Robin. In fact, the poor kid never got to spend any time with his father, because Milne was too busy writing stories about him. Even worse, poor Christopher was absolutely tortured at school by bullies who never let him live down the embarrassing childhood stories in the Winnie the Pooh books. At one point he wrote, "It seemed to me almost that my father had got to where he was by climbing upon my infant shoulders, that he had filched from me my good name and had left me with the empty fame of being his son." Later, when Christopher Robin wrote his memoir, “The Enchanted Places”, he dedicated it to his nanny. The only adult in his life who actually raised him.

4. Christopher Robin isn’t the only fictional child who was actually real. Did you guys know that Alice from Alice in Wonderland was a real person? The curious young girl from Lewis Carroll’s stories was based on a real little girl called Alice Liddle who Lewis Carroll was very close to… Very, very close to. Disturbingly close to… Yeah, Lewis Carroll was a massive pedo. Did he molest little Alice? We don’t know for sure. What we do know is that he took naked photographs of Alice’s 13 year old sister Lorina, so… Yeah. Chances are Alice’s adventures weren’t quite so wonderful after all.

3. And now for the third and final instalment of children’s stories based on not quite so fortunate children is Peter Pan. Everybody knows the story. Peter Pan sprinkles some fairy dust on Wendy, John and Michael and the four of them fly off to Neverland. Well, Peter, John and Michael were all named after three of the five Davies brothers who were all adopted by the author, J.M. Barrie, after their mother tragically died of cancer. Like Lewis Carroll, a lot of people theorise that J.M. Barrie was a massive pedo, and actually forged documents to make himself the children’s guardian. We don’t know for certain whether J.M. Barrie molested the boys. What we do know is that little Peter, (the boy who never grew up) did grow up after all… And at the age of 63, jumped in front of a London Underground train… Yes, boys and girls. Peter Pan killed himself. (Also, his brother Michael drowned himself when he was only 20.)

2. Damn, there’s a lot of pedos on this list. Wanna know who else was a massive pedo? … Elmo! … … … I swear to Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I am not making this shit up. Kevin Clash, the voice actor and puppeteer of Elmo has been accused by multiple men of using his position at Sesame Workshop to groom young boys into sexual relationships. All charges were dismissed because the statute of limitations had passed. Still, I’ll never look at Tickle Me Elmo the same. :’(

1. And finally, ladies and gentlemen... Who here loves the Land Before Time? Everyone, right? Who the fuck doesn’t love the Land Before Time? With all those adorable little dinosaurs! You guys remember Ducky, right? She was so fucking cute! Yep, yep, yep! And did any of you guys watch All Dogs Go To Heaven? You remember the little girl, Ann Marie? Well the girl who was the voice of Ducky in The Land Before Time was also the voice of Ann Marie in All Dogs Go To Heaven. I always loved that little song she sang, "Soon You'll Come Home to my Heart". That song got me every time. Damn, that kid was fucking adorable!!! … Yeah, she got murdered… Brutally shot in the head… By her own father… When she was ten years old… … … I’m going to go crawl under my covers now. Wake me when humanity’s been wiped out.

So, there's my list of top ten facts that'll ruin your childhood. If any of you guys know of any other heartbreaking, childhood ruining facts, please let me know. I'm kind of sickly fascinated by them. :p

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago
Cheerful stuff.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Winnie the pooh almost got me since its the most innocence but the rest were just sad facts

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Yeah, they even made a film about that... Though they sugar coated it a lot and made A.A. Milne look a lot nicer than he really was.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Well next time i have a winnie the pooh marathon ill try not to think about all that too much

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

I should really read "The Enchanted Places" some time to get a better idea of just how fucked up poor little Christopher's life was. :p

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

I didn't like Land Before Time that much. And because of that, I don't sympathize with a 10 year old girl for being brutally murdered at all!

Also, to be honest, Elmo was the hideous monster baby in that Dinosaurs show so you know he was fucked up.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago
I hadn't made that connection, but thanks for ruining Dinosaurs for me now too.

Although I always hated the baby anyway.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

This kinda makes me think about all the times I've thought, "one day, I want to be just as good as [insert any writer from above list]."  But now I'm not so sure.  Come to think of it, it seems like a lot of famous people turn out to be complete assholes in real life.  Either being a terrible person drastically increases one's likelihood of achieving fame, or there are just a lot more bad seeds out there than I thought.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Also Roald Dahl hated jews. :p

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago
Mordor is inspired by J.R.R. Tolkiens experiences on the battlefields of the first world war. Poisonous gas, toxic pools, Flanders had it all.

The Wizard of Oz is actually a book about monetary policy. (I am not making this up)

On a positive note: I went to a writing workshop that was funded by proceeds from the rights to Winnie the Pooh.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Yeah, because Christopher Robin Milne hated the Winnie the Pooh books so much that he flat out refused to accept any of the proceeds from them. :p

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

further proof you shouldn't let your children within 100 miles of the entertainment industry if you love them 

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

I knew just about all of these, but my childhood wasn't ruined.

Though probably because most of these are Disney related and I've never been a Disney fan (and I hated Elmo even though I'd long stopped watching Sesame Street during his popularity).

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Yeah, yeah, we know. Your favourite childhood movie was The Human Centipede. ^_^

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Wasn't out yet. Favorite childhood movie of that genre would have been Re-animator. (Which was superior to Human Centipede in every way)

I imagine my childhoood viewing was "ruined" a LONG time ago due to the mocking of He-Man, thanks to the hilarious over the top (Though I assume unintended) homoerotic content AND the rise of fur faggotry which sort of ruins Thundercats nowadays.

Of course since my favorite characters were Skeletor and Mum-Ra, those cartoons weren't ruined completely.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Gay. Lol.

Furries. Lol.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

So to summarize, as a child, you were a gay furry. ^_^

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

the unexamined homoeroticism were why these shows whipped ass. the new version that just straight up has LGBT characters misses the appeal. it's about the oily muscles god damn it 

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Honestly the predecessor to He-Man had a better grimdark setting

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

I like how crazy religious moms complain that Disney is trying to turn kids gay with their rainbow pride Pixar shorts and 2 second male x male dance scenes. Honey, your husbands made it through the eightites. It's a miracle you even have kids. :p

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Literal arguement back in middle school.

Classmate: You watched He-Man? That shit was gay!

Me: Well what the hell did you watch?

Classmate: The Smurfs!

Me: Lol, fag.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago

Man, yo must be an old man with all these references 

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago
No way OG He-Man was gay. He was the origin of Manly Man Trope. Now longneck... totally gay.

Who wants their childhood ruined?

3 years ago
In hindsight, I find a lot of things weird about how Mrs. Doubtfire was never considered as anything but the most wholesome kids movie, when two seconds of a gay couple or a man dressed as a woman will now give parents a heart attack.