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Okay, okay, I know I've said I've been working on my storygames for a bit. The truth is, my damn procrastination is in the way. I have taken notice that I need to commit some damn fine work, as of the new gag storygame I helped contribute to. So anyways, I'd really appreciate it if people would help me with writing tips, and things I should do and shouldn't do to help it get better. I have promised myself as of today I'll get it done by the end of August or September. So, yeah, thanks for all the consideration, tips, and help you guys can provide.

-Mason.

 

A page from 'Bucky Explains It All,' which may or may not ever get completed.

Precise word choice can turn a dull piece of generic drivel into a beautiful portrait of vivid imagery. Think of each sentence as a snapshot of what’s happening in your story at that particular moment in time. We want to convey a clear image that our readers can formulate in their minds. Consider the following sentence.

The dog attacked the girl.

This is a very basic sentence, and it doesn’t tell us very much. We have no detail. This is the kind of sentence we would expect very young children – probably kindergarteners – to write.

If we ask five different people what mental picture they form from this sentence, we will likely receive five divergent images. Now, let’s enhance the imagery.

The big dog attacked the little girl.

In this sentence, we added adjectives, which modify the nouns. This is still a basic sentence, but it shows a little more detail. This is the next level of writing young children reach, probably in the early grades of elementary school. Let’s continue to enhance the imagery.

The big dog viciously attacked the little girl.

In this sentence, we added an adverb, which modifies the verb. Again, this is a basic sentence, despite adding a little extra detail. We cannot form a universal mental picture from this sentence. This is still elementary school level writing. Let’s enhance the imagery even more.

The big dog viciously attacked the little girl, and she fell down into the mud.

In this sentence, we added a conjunction, which extends the picture. But does it really improve the imagery? We could just as easily convey this extra information in its own sentence. It serves to provide an extra snapshot, but it doesn’t reveal anything new regarding the dog or the girl. This is probably a late elementary or middle school caliber sentence.

We tried adjectives, adverbs and conjunctions, but none of them really brought about a strong singular mental image. So how do we paint a clearer picture?

The German Shepherd leapt into the toddler’s arms, tongue lapping at her face, as they tumbled into the mud.

All right, I admit, I did you dirty, intentionally misleading you. But that’s the problem with relying on adjectives and adverbs to convey an image, if the nouns and verbs they modify are weak to begin with, they won’t do you much good. You can be “viciously attacked” in both a playful and a violent manner.

The German Shepherd launched into the toddler, teeth lashing at her face, as they tumbled into the mud.

A few deft word changes and we have a brand new, horrifying image.

Nouns and verbs are the heart and cornerstone of sentence structure in the English language. You want to choose the strongest nouns and verbs possible to convey the specific image you have in mind. “Attack” is generic. Don’t do generic. Be specific. If you use strong nouns and verbs, you can eliminate the vast majority of adjectives and adverbs from your writing, as they can become superfluous and add little to nothing of import to the imagery. In fact, they can detract.

The German Shepherd quickly leapt into the toddler’s arms, wet tongue lapping at her face, as they tumbled into the dirty mud.

Wow, we just butchered a great sentence by adding unnecessary clutter and meaningless words.

Can you really leap “slowly”? Probably not. “Leapt” already implies a certain aspect of speed, so we don’t need to modify that any further. Don’t treat your readers like morons. They’ll know a dog’s tongue is wet. We don’t have to spell that out for them. Dirty mud? Care to show me mud that isn’t dirty?

With strong nouns and verbs carrying the weight, most adjectives and adverbs don’t serve a purpose. Use them sparingly, and only where they create a clearer image. Don’t just throw them onto the page to bolster your word count or in a vain attempt to be fancy and flowery. The proper adjective in just the right spot can really pull a scene together, and if it’s the only adjective on the page, the image will stand out even more.

I strongly recommend throwing out all adverbs that end in “ly” from your stories. They work fine in dialogue and in non-story writing, but they rarely add anything to exposition or action. Often, people use them as a crutch to try to prop up weak verbs.

The man walked slowly down the street.

The man hobbled down the street.

In writing, less is often more. Paint your picture in as few words as possible with strong nouns and verbs.

And another.

A few quick hit thoughts on flow.

Flow is how your story reads. Does it move along seamlessly, one sentence after the next? Or is it clunky and strange sounding? Does anything jar the reader, snapping them out of the story-world and back to reality?

Improving the flow of your sentences will help keep the reader firmly entrenched in the meat of your story. One of the best ways to determine if you have poor flow is to read your writing out-loud. If it sounds awkward when you read it verbally, then it’s going to sound awkward to your readers when they read it.

Do your best to be accurate and precise with your word choice, without repeating yourself. Do your best to avoid starting sentences with similar or identical phrasing. Do your best to avoid regurgitating the same nouns and verbs over and over. If you don't do your best to avoid this, your readers will pick up on it, and it will detract form the quality of your writing, as the wording will be clunky and obtrusive.

Pacing is a part of flow. If you just spent ten pages detailing the elaborate happenings of the king’s coronation ceremony, and then you follow that up by breezing right over the king’s 700-mile march across the desert with his army in two paragraphs, you killed the pacing and the flow of your story. I hope it’s obvious why this is silly.

Now, a more specific example of improving flow: compare the following three sets of discourses.

...

“Mason, you smell like a butt,” asserted Briar.

“I do not!” proclaimed Mason haughtily.

EndMaster stated, “Of course he smells like a butt, Briar. I just shoved his head up Jimmy’s ass.”

“Do you have any ointment, Briar? I’m really sore,” complained Jimmy pathetically.

Briar bargained, “Jimmy, I’ll give you some ointment if you give Mason a bath. Deal?”

Jimmy agreed amicably, “Okay, Briar, you have a deal.”

...

“You smell like a butt,” said Briar.

“I do not!” said Mason.

“Of course he smells like a butt,” said EndMaster, “I just shoved his head up Jimmy’s ass.”

“Do you have any ointment, Briar?” asked Jimmy. “I’m really sore.”

“I’ll give you some ointment if you give Mason a bath,” said Briar. “Deal?”

“Okay, you have a deal,” said Jimmy.

...

Briar wrinkled her nose. “You smell like a butt.”

“I do not!” said Mason.

“Of course he smells like a butt,” said EndMaster, “I just shoved his head up Jimmy’s ass.”

Jimmy hobbled into the parlor like a saddle-sore cowboy. “Do you have any ointment, Briar? I’m feeling pretty raw.”

“I’ll give you some ointment if you give Mason a bath. Deal?”

Jimmy nodded. “Okay, you have a deal.”

...

It should be apparent that the second discourse improves the flow of the first and the third discourse improves upon the flow of the third. Why is that?

Dialogue tags distract the readers and take them out of the story. Every time we read a dialogue tag, we become aware that we’re reading a story and that creates a disconnection. The only dialogue tags you should be using are “said” and “asked” as they are the least intrusive tags. The surrounding context should be enough to reveal the tone of the dialogue.

Never modify your dialogue tags with “ly” adverbs. Again, the surrounding context should reveal the tone. Adverbs are often a blight upon the world. Kill them without mercy.

Use action to portray speakers. This is a great opportunity to add characterization and show quirks specific to individual characters. We could establish a tendency where Briar habitually wrinkles her nose when disgusted.

Establish a pattern of speakers if you can, this is very easy with only two participants in a conversation, but it can be done with more. When Jimmy first enters the room, he targets a specific person with his dialogue, so we know who is going to reply to him. You could also show Jimmy is speaking to Briar without stating it so plainly in the dialogue.

...

Jimmy hobbled into the parlor like a saddle-sore cowboy and stared at the ground beneath Briar’s feet. “Do you have any ointment? I’m feeling pretty raw.”

...

Typically, people do not say other’s names when speaking to them in conversation. A rare exception is when a character asks a question the target isn’t likely to expect.

...

You rummage through your closet, tossing clothes aside left and right. The car horn honks three quick blasts outside.

“Mom, where’s my hoody?”

“It’s in the wash!”

“What!? Crap!”

You snatch an ugly pink sweater from the refuse on the floor and give it a whiff. Satisfied, you pull it over your head and race down the stairs. As you scurry out the side door, your mother waves goodbye from the kitchen.

A lot of help, thanks.

Glad to hear, but that's all I'm giving unless you ask for something more specific. * Lazy

Here's a big problem I have:

Should I write it in second (you) or third (Brad/Chris/Etc)?

Why not combine them? You can give the player protagonist a name, but still refer to them as "you" in the narration. For example, this is what End does in Suzy's Strange Saga.

Hmm, I don't know.

Like, would this be an example?

Jack creeped along the edges of the shadowy and wet catacombs, and looked for any trouble. You decided there wouldn't be any, and continued.

Not if you're playing as Jack. The narration will refer to the player as "you" but other characters will refer to the player by his/her name.

Here's an excerpt from Suzy's Strange Saga.

“SUZY! Stop splittin’ the kitten and get yer bony ass up here!” you hear Kelly shout.

You were afraid of this. You clean yourself up a bit, mentally prepare yourself and then head upstairs.

“Hey Kelly…” you start to say, but are interrupted.

“Shut up. I’ve got exactly a couple hours to get some rest before I have to drag my ass to my other job to support this fucking house and it’s a fucking mess! You can’t even clean up around here? Did you even look for a job today? Let me guess you spent the whole day fucking around on the Internet and masturbating didn’t you?”

“Well uh...”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ Suzy, you’re goddamn useless you know that? The only reason I’m not kicking your ass right now is because I need to save my energy and it would be too fucking easy.”

Before you can even speak, Kelly continues her rant.

That's not what I meant, either way the player will have the name 'Chris' in my story. I just need to choose a type of narrative. 

For example:

Chris nodded, and strapped on his safety jacket.

Third person provides a better understanding of each player, I think, as I'm able to switch between 'cameras' on characters, instead of just one.

You nodded, and strapped on your safety jacket.

First person provides a better understanding of the main character, but little information about others unless leaked through dialogue and actions. This also makes it more fit as a 'choose your path'.

"You" is second person. "I" is first person.

Well, if you're going to have the player control multiple characters during different parts of the story - I think tsmpaul did a story like this - then I'd use third person.

But if you're going to stick with just one character that you control, then I'd stick with second person.

Okay, got it.

Creating Characters and Main game-changing choices. This game will be plot-driven, with six final endings, and one true ending. Right now my characters all seem so bland. For example, 'Michael' will be a jokester character, and probably the best friend of the character if rescued from spoiler. 'Sarah' I want to be loyal.....but they seem so bland and boring to write with. Any tips for exciting characters?

Give your characters a story and treat them as real people, with real pasts, emotions, desires, goals and faults. Basically, what sets them apart and makes them unique?

If you're having trouble thinking of what sets your generic character apart, ask yourself what sets apart people in your life from each other. Or even here on the forums, ask yourself, what sets Bucky, mizal, Tim, End, Raven, Kiel and Jimmy apart from each other.

The important thing is to make your characters feel genuine. But you also have to make them interesting. All of those members have some sort of personality quirk or do things that sets them apart from other members.

EDIT: So for your joker, what kind of joker is he? Does he tell any joke at all? Dark jokes? Black jokes? Jew jokes? Yo momma jokes? Sex jokes? Witty jokes? Caustic jokes? Mundane jokes? Practical jokes? Dangerous jokes? Stupid jokes? Rape jokes? Polite jokes? Dry jokes? Pun jokes? Are there some jokes he will make and others he won't? Determining this could be a good start and give you some ideas to create tension with other characters?

Yeah, I get it. Thanks.

In can be worthwhile to layer multiple traits to create more individual characters depending on the story. Even if there's a primary role or trait they have, you can have secondary ones too. For example: you could have a heroic jokester or the romantic jokester. The shy loyal friend or the self-absorbed loyal friend. Going three layers, the heroic romantic jokester and the shy self-absorbed loyal friend. Things like that. The dominant trait is the main impression you want the reader to get from them, while the secondary trait(s) can help add some extra flavor.

Right, but one of my main problems if that I keep layering personalities onto each other. Like, I want 'Sarah' to be the most loyal character, always by your side, always there, but what does 'Michael' have to prove he's your best friend? 

By going against the downsides to absolute loyalty, perhaps? Saw this question by itself and I'm sleepy so don't have the full context right now... but see, people think of the most loyal person as always siding with you, right or wrong. In reality, that's a terrible policy for friendship.

Sure, most of the time, it works out great--unless your friend is wrong and about to do something you're sure is stupid, reckless, dangerous, or otherwise detrimental to them. Ultimately acting in your best interest, even if it means acting against you, is what a real friend does. 

Edit: Positive, but flawed opposites are fun is a good point regardless. In the case of my games, Layne is loud, energetic, strong, and reckless--he's also a scrapper and a kid whose lived his entire life in a small town and is desperate to break free and have a real adventure. Melissa is quiet, gentle, sweet, thoughtful, better with diplomacy than brawling. She's a voice of reason, and she's been all over the world already, so now she wants somewhere to settle down. In tow, Darren / Selene is someone who looks up to you and relies on you, seeing you as a hero they can't measure up to. Nikki, on the other hand, is more of an equal and an ally who can not only keep up with you, but is a better fighter than you are for most of the game.

What Michael can prove can come in the form of a secondary trait or something else entirely. Like Bucky was saying, there's a lot of different types of jokes a jokester could make. Some might be more tasteful than others. Playing a prank on a bully may be viewed as a good thing to some people within the world, including Sarah. Or he may pull pranks that cause property damage. Or he may not do pranks at all. 

If you're wanting them to be friends, then part of your job as author is to decide what element of his jokester nature she likes. Even if she's loyal, maybe she likes how relaxed or easy-going he is, letting her feel more comfortable. Maybe she just wants to see Michael be happy or maybe she wants to reform his jokesterness to not cause so much trouble (if he does cause trouble). Michael might appreciate Sarah's loyal attitude, even if he doesn't always show it because of his jokester trait. 

Sometimes people with contrasting personalities will get along really well, even if it doesn't seem to make sense, because there's some kind of underlying appeal. This is seen a lot in the real world. Sometimes people don't have to prove anything to naturally get along. But if you're specifically wanting Michael to have proven himself in some way to earn her trust, then it can happen either naturally through traits or maybe through a specific event. Maybe the always-jokester saw Sarah drowning in a river and saved her, even though he might not make a big deal of it later on because of his personality. Sarah would still remember and appreciate because she's loyal.

Outline officially almost over, and for Kiel and Panther, thanks. Working on the character's attitude and actions right now.

#FeaturedJarGuzzi

Hah hah, thanks. But it'll take some time.

Anyways, some serious shit happened where I am at. Some kid in the elementary section had a seizure. Jeez.

Seizures generally aren't that serious. In the majority of cases, the person is most likely to hurt themselves by hitting something or falling during the episode, which typically only lasts a few minutes.

Don't get me wrong, they can be far worse, but that's not the norm.

Fun fact, the porygon episode from Poke'mon got banned in the U.S.A. before it could ever air because it gave an oddly high number of Japanese kids seizures from the flashing lights.

Yeah, that is a really real gag for Japanese shows. A LOT of them give children seizures. Strange.

Okay, here's a note: This game is seriously a story. So far I have 12 major variables, 4 main (those are included in major). If all 12 major variables are 'good', then you get the true ending. The 4 main variables are necessary for the non-true ending. 

Back to the story stuff: There's going to be pretty LOOONG pages, but not many choices.

But then again, easier said than done.

Lots of good advice in this thread! The story sounds pretty ambitious but glad to hear it's coming along so well. I was fixing to say you might find that deadline harder to keep than you expect, but then I remembered I'm just old and had almost forgotten the bliss of planting the ass in front of a computer on a summer vacation.

I'm not going to launch into any general advice when that's already been covered so well, but I'll keep an eye on this thread for any more specific questions.

Okay.