I enjoyed playing your game. I felt as though I’d entered a full-on war, so you effectively communicated the game’s tension and seriousness. I liked how you broke it up with casual, "childish" conversations during jail time and patrols. The strategies and rules were fun and well-explained. I enjoyed the various problems, variety of choices, and sometimes unexpected outcomes.
In addition, because you gave each group member a unique trait, they became more memorable. My favorite character was Corey and his stealthiness. I'm unfamiliar with rating game difficulty, but I didn't see anything less than family-friendly. Overall, I felt you did a good job.
I’d like to offer several suggestions that may help enhance your story. (Please excuse my rough examples.)
First, to better capture interest and avoid overwhelming readers with information, consider opening the story closer to/in the middle of action. What if it began with a setback and raised the game’s stakes? Seeing the characters and their traits in action can increase their appeal. For instance, including more action may look something like:
(Set near the opening scene)
“Pick faster!” Katherine snaps.
They’ll be coming for you soon. By now, you and your group should’ve been deep in your territory, preparing for the game to start. Instead, you’re squatting on the streambank next to Mike, who’s sprawled on his stomach. Green, spiked burrs cling to his jacket and pants.
Katherine scowls. “What were you thinking?” She rips another burr off his sock. “Why’d you roll when you landed?”
You roll your eyes. “He wasn’t thinking. That’s the problem.” Everyone knows that when you leap across the stream, you need to land on your feet.
Mike’s face reddens. “Guys, stop,” he groans.
Across the water, the woods echo with distant shouts from the other team. Earlier, you’d sent your faster runner, Stacy, to hide the flag. But if your opponents cross the stream to steal it, she won’t last long alone. Tossing aside the last burr, you pat Mike’s shoulder and heave him to his feet. “C’mon, we gotta get moving.”
As for your great background information, it can be alluded to throughout the story. Ex:
“Do we really have to do this?” Katherine’s [color] eyes cut to you. “It’s just a cafeteria seat. Can’t you find another?”
At the thought, you bristle. “No way.” [explain why it’s important]
Alternatively, once the action/scene has been set, you could use the next scene and briefly jump back to earlier that morning (ex: “It all started when . . .”)
Second, consider spacing out character introductions to reduce confusion and avoid overwhelming readers. One way is to later introduce some of the characters’ unique traits through action, rather than stating them. It also helps readers feel they naturally discovered the information.
Another way is for opposing team members to be introduced during encounters since the protagonist doesn’t initially spend much time with them. For instance, it may look something like:
(During the scene when you hide in the bog)
The voices grow louder. As they near the bushes, you peer out, only to freeze.
It’s Jonathan, the second fastest boy in your class. Next to him walks Finn, whom you’ve seen with your friends but never talked much to.
Third, to avoid repetition, perhaps reduce the use of dialogue tags. You could also alternate them with actions, which can reveal more about the character. For example, instead of (“It’s almost five minutes,” says Katherine, checking her watch), try keeping it to: (“It’s almost five minutes.” Katherine checks her watch.)
Fourth, to show instead of tell and also increase immersion, consider reducing filter words similar to “you hear” or “you see.” Too many can place distance between the character and the reader. It also reduces the impact of your great descriptions. For instance, the sentence “You can hear the sounds [of] voices approaching” might look something like:
As you land on a tree branch, a noise stops you. “Wait,” you whisper.
The group falls still. Your sneakers wobble on the branch, but you hold still, straining your ears. There. Distant voices drift through the woods, coming closer.
Katherine exchanges a panicked look with you.
“What do we do?” Stacy hisses.
You scan the area, but there’s not much cover. Only mud and tree roots. Finally, your eyes fall upon a cluster of bushes on the left. The only problem? They’re sitting in the wettest, muckiest part of the swamp. If someone stumbled upon you, the mud would slow you down.
Another option is to sneak around the voices towards the right. A risky move, but if spotted, you have a better chance of escaping to your territory.
Finally, consider condensing your sentences. Multiple times, they contain unneeded, lengthy phrases. For instance, instead of “It’s slow going through the swamp, since you don’t have any particular desire to . . . etc.” perhaps it could be reduced to:
Going through the swamp takes ages. You’d cut through it, but who wants to slosh in mud and run around in wet sneakers? Instead, you and your group stick to the dryer parts and climb on tree roots when possible.
Overall, I enjoyed your game. The dynamics between your characters felt engaging and fun. Combined with the conflict and interesting war strategies, it was a fun, short read. Adjusting the opening scene, spacing out introductions and information, and working on the immersion would enhance your piece. I hope you keep writing!
