Non-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Find proofreaders here, useful resources, and share opinions and advice on story crafting.

Small sample page

one year ago
I've gotten interested in writing again recently and I'm trying to turn an old idea of mine into a storygame. This isn't the first page, just the part where things start to get interesting for the protagonist. Just hoping for any feedback on style or clarity before I go forward and have to start thinking more about choices.


Finishing outside, you take a shower and then check on weird little blobby lizard again. Finding that its pushed the lettuce and piece of catfood onto the water dish and is now just sitting inside the mess blinking up at you with its goofy little smiling face.

You reach down to clean this out so you can refill it with fresh water, and the lizard with a sudden move hops onto you and clings wetly to your wrist. Wrinkling your nose, you try to gently shake it off. It seems to be clinging to you with sticky toe pads and you're worried you might hurt the small creature trying to pry it off.

Then, a wave of dizziness washes over you.

Before you know it, you've staggered over and are resting on the couch. Very sleepy. There was something important though....the lizard? Right! You'd meant to try and look it up again to identify it. Maybe even email Professor Lagrande.

But you just can't seem to muster the energy and your mind fades back into a sleepy uncaring daze. You tell yourself could probably move if you wanted to, but you just don't want to.

At some point you become aware that there's something moist and a little sticky crawling steadily up your arm. But, that doesn't seem important enough to react to.

Then its lightly touching your face.

Then....something happens. There is a blank spot in your memory when you come back to awareness. Your vision is fuzzy, and you're standing unsteadily. But a moment later that all clears, and your balance seems normal.

"Hello Jeanna," comes a crystal clesr voice from inside your mind.


I'm starting to get a lot more interested in my projects now that I've realized that cheesy rip offs of major sci fi properties is just what I like to do....

Small sample page

one year ago
Did you get this idea from that one episode of The Magicians where Margo licks a lizard?

Small sample page

one year ago
If the lizard just crawled up inside her head, that could be a lot of things.

Small sample page

one year ago
Well that was different.

Upon a reread I'm not sure yet either, I probably took the "inside your mind" line too literally. It may just be exerting psychic influence, but as far as sci fi things to rip off, there's a lot pf precedent for alien parasites getting snuggly inside people.

Also, just pointing out for Wrenby (who has not logged in since posting that):

"Finishing outside, you take a shower and then check on weird little blobby lizard again."

"comes a crystal clesr voice from inside your mind."

Small sample page

11 months ago
Oh, thank you, I'll fix these.

It's true I did get sidetracked on this, it's been a problem with all my projects. I have a lot of stories that are more or less complete inside my head, but once I get interrupted while writing them down it's hard to get back into it.

Small sample page

one year ago
Anyway, I like the premise and tone just fine, the shift from positive language about how cute the lizard is to having it suddenly do something really ominous is a neat approach. But I think it's going to be hard for anyone to give any real feedback on a sample this small. The style here is a lot different from the swan thing you posted before. That one was mostly (some pretty well done) descriptions, but this one looks like a situation that has more plot and branching potential.

Small sample page

one year ago

Fun concept,  Would be interesting to see the "Work with the ilzard" and "Fight the lizard" branches on this.