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suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago

I would like to see your thoughts on this piece of writing I wrote. (Be honest) 

 

I can’t remember how it happened… if it happened at all. One moment I’m on my bike, the wind whipping against my face, the world a blur of motion. The next, the ground rises up, and my body is swallowed by it. There’s no time to react, no warning, just the sharp jolt of impact. I don’t know how fast I was going maybe five miles, maybe ten. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is the pain. The suffocating weight of it. I’m drowning in my own blood. I can feel it seeping from my skin, hot and thick, cascading down my body in rivulets, soaking the earth beneath me. It’s like the ground is thirsting for it, eagerly drinking in every drop.

My leg… I try to move it, but it’s a tattered mess. The jagged rocks punctured the skin like teeth, tearing through muscle and sinew. My hands are no better, just red blurs, shaking uncontrollably as I try to assess the damage. Everything feels wrong, as though my mind is disconnecting from my body. The pain is there, sharp and clear, but it’s distant, as though it belongs to someone else. I try to scream, to let out the panic building in my chest, but something stops me. It’s like there’s an invisible wall trapping my voice, silencing my fear. I can’t cry. I can’t even move. All I can do is lie there, stunned, frozen as my body relaxes, surrendering to the shock.

“Are you okay? I heard screaming.”

The voice is distant, muffled, as if it’s coming from the end of a long tunnel. Footsteps draw nearer, soft but hurried, until I feel a hand on my back. The touch is light, hesitant, but somehow comforting. I try to turn my head, to see who it is, but my vision is blocked. There’s a white wall in front of me, too close, too blinding. I don’t remember where I am. I can’t remember how I got here.

Slowly, painfully, I sit up, careful not to aggravate my leg. I expect to see blood, torn skin, broken bones. But when I look down, there’s nothing. No cut, no scrape. My leg is whole. Intact. Yet the pain lingers, deep inside, like a shadow. It feels heavy, familiar, as though I’ve been carrying it for a lifetime. I know I fell. I felt it. The impact, the blood, the agony. It was real.

My eyes dart to the person beside me. A woman. She looks concerned, her eyes searching mine, but I don’t recognize her. She’s a stranger. Her face is soft, framed by dark, wavy hair, her clothes simple and nondescript. She doesn’t speak again, just watches, waiting for me to make sense of the chaos.

Without thinking, I push myself up, rushing down a narrow ladder leading from what looks like a loft bed. My heart is racing, my mind scrambling to catch up. But as soon as my feet hit the floor, my legs buckle. They collapse beneath me as if the bones have turned to dust. I hit the ground hard, the impact jarring, and when I look up again, the woman is gone. In her place stands a man, tall and imposing. He tells me he’s my father, his voice gentle yet firm. But his face… it’s wrong. Unfamiliar.

Reality bends and twists, warping around me. My thoughts spin in a dizzying spiral. Am I awake? Am I dreaming? I can’t tell anymore. The room stretches, contorts, colors bleeding into one another. The questions swirl faster than I can hold onto, faster than the world now spinning five miles, ten miles blurring past me. But it doesn’t matter. Nothing makes sense. Nothing feels real.

When the chaos finally slows, I find myself holding a cat. A grey and white striped cat, her fur soft and warm in my arms. I recognize her instantly, Suzie. My childhood cat. She stares up at me with her familiar green eyes, calm and trusting, though she never let me hold her like this when she was alive. Her body is solid against mine, but something feels… wrong. Out of place.

I glance around, trying to piece together where I am. The walls are a patchwork of memories, but distorted, as if I’m looking at them through fogged glass. The room shifts again, the light flickers, and when I look down at Suzie, she’s gone. Now I’m cradling a different cat, grey with black stripes. It stares at me with the same green eyes, but it’s not Suzie. The ground shifts beneath me once more, dragging me through layers of places I half-remember, each one more disjointed than the last.

Then I see her, my mother. She’s old now, frail, lying in a casket. Her skin is pale, almost translucent, and her hands are folded neatly on her chest. I step closer, my heart tightening in my chest, but before I can reach her, she’s gone. In her place, my father lies in a casket. Then my sister. Each one fading in and out of view like ghosts.

A wave of grief washes over me, cold and overwhelming, as they rise alive again, standing over me. Their faces are expressionless, their eyes unreadable. I want to reach out to them, but I can’t move. My legs are locked in place, stiff as iron. Panic claws at my throat, but my voice is gone.

“Rest in peace.”

The words are a whisper, soft and final. I try to scream, to break free from this nightmare, but I’m paralyzed, trapped in this endless loop of falling and waking.

Suddenly, I wake up. Gasping for air, my heart pounding in my chest. But as I blink away the darkness, I’m not sure if I’ve truly woken up… or if I’m still trapped in the dream.

I can’t remember how it happened… if it happened at all.

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago
*piece

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago

lol

spullchuck be gud

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago

I just wanted feedback

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago

Indicating that you should check your spelling is feedback.

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago

I think it's pretty well written. I think it could be slightly more concise, it feels a bit drawn out or even overly descriptive in certain parts. It ends on a cliffhanger, Which is generally fine, but overall I didn't really find myself that engaged with the story, mostly just because there was no real discernible direction to the story to begin with. I don't know what it was about, basically. If you wrote a blurb for this story, what could you write to describe what it's about? Nothing. There's nothing you could write without having to add more things to the story. You couldn't write anything except for "decide for yourself" And in a decide for yourself sort of story, it's best to give a cliff hanger which hints at things. Overall, it's pretty well written, but the story itself wasn't very engaging. 

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago

I think this is well written. Your use of imagery is great! I can almost feel MC's pain when you describe the wound. The story feels like the embodiment of whiplash and completely out of sorts while the MC is transported to all these scenes. Memories? Points in time? Dreams? Unsure. My only criticism is the ending. I suppose it works thematically having such an open-ended ending seeing as the whole story is out of sorts, but in my opinion it would be nice to have some sort of solid ground at the end to show that it's over. I am curious if this is a stand alone piece or part of a longer work. Overall, well done! 

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago
Commended by Mizal on 9/11/2024 8:02:28 PM
When using "if" sentences, tenses are very important. "I can't remember what happened..." indicates an event that happened in the past but then you go to "One moment, I'm on my bike..." which is present tense. Instead of this, you could write "One moment, I was on my bike..." and that would fit better with your previous sentence.

"Peice" is obviously misspelt like the others pointed out. Also "as they rise alive again" seems a bit off. It could just be rewritten as "as they rise again, alive once more".

There are also cases where you refer to the MC's body parts but avoid using personal articles for some reason. For example, "But as soon as my feet hit the floor, my legs buckle. They collapse beneath me as if the bones have turned to dust", that could be "my bones had turned to dust" instead (you should use "had" because of if tense shenanigans again, I think). In the current state, it could just as easily mean that the MC had expected to land on a pile of bones when he jumped off his bed. Obviously, anyone with good reading comprehension can figure out what you meant to say, but it still breaks the immersion a little bit.

One thing I really liked about the writing was how it conveyed the lack of control the MC had over the situation. A subtle example of this was "My eyes darted to the person beside me". You could've easily written that as "I looked to the person beside me" but the former version makes it feel like the MC had no say in the matter, which I thought was very cool. There's also the use of feelings as subjects that really drive this effect home. "A wave of grief washes over me", "Panic claws at my throat", all solid examples of that idea.

Overall, I really liked this. I think you did a great job conveying a sense of helplessness as the MC's life flashed before his/her life (I'm assuming that's what this is about lol :D)

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago
Lol that turned out longer than I had hoped. tl;dr:
1) Learn how tenses work with if sentences
2) Reread your work to look for redundant words and spelling errors
3) Use personal articles like "my, your, his, her, our (USSR anthem starts playing), their" wherever necessary
4) Good job :]

suggestions for peice of writing

one month ago

haha! thanks for the feedback