8/23/2022

11/21/2024 12:30 AM

625

4

5 wins / 0 losses

Warden

Crackas best get they pasty hands offa my rod!

An Entry for Mizal's "Gone Fishing" contest.

There's a profile badge in there somewhere.

Possibly CYS's half-blackest story yet!

It Happened at the Waffle House

Entry for Sherb's Summer Contest thing. Autobiographical. This happened last time I went to Waffle House At the time of writing... very sleepy. Idk what this is, but maybe is good? Maybe is not. If not good is accidental

The Lonely Inn

A rather bright orc's misadventures in a haunted inn. This was an entry for the Damned and the SHAMED contest.

Wrath of the Edomite

My debut story and an entry for Endmaster's Myth and Religion Contest

Play as Doeg, the herdsman of Saul, a minor antagonist to David. The biblical story of Doeg is found in 1 Samuel 21 and 22. A "true" ending is one I considered containing an ending where the protagonist accomplished a part of his purpose or made some kind of mark on history. Feel free to disagree or to like one of the death endings better. There is a (relatively) biblically accurate path with a choice between two epilogues, so you can consider that a "win" you want to.

Crime of Passion

unpublished

Play as a man in post WWII New York. Life sure was easy before you fell in love with a canary.

This is an entry for Endmaster's Prompt Contest 2

Mystery Box: Story that starts with the protagonist being sentenced to death.

Note: There is only one ending that ends with the protagonist alive. This is not meant to be the winning ending. This is meant to be a crime noir, and sometimes death makes a beautiful ending to a story. Every ending is a winning ending.

Soul Cleaver

unpublished

Story by Committee

unpublished

The Sojourner's Home

unpublished

The future is hard on small business owners! For Endmaster's prompt contest pt 3 or something. (Please kill me. No, really. Please, I'm begging you.)

Tinnitus

unpublished

Gut ripping, blood spilling, head splitting, etc., etc.

That's it. Meet me in Dodge City, Kansas so we can fistfight on neutral ground

I like this a lot. The wording and structure is also straightforward and works really well. It's also pretty solid humor. I have very few critiques. "The grip on the odd machine he holds loosens," is very awkward. "His grip on the odd machine loosens might be better" or something like "He loosens his grip on the odd machine." I also might suggest relaxed instead of loosened because he's doing it involuntarily and it's not something being forced upon him. Also "the spot where his genitals reside" could probably be shortened to genitals. Perhaps even balls, stones, cajones, dick, penis, cock, hog, wiener, peepee, weewee, pecker... etc I could probably go deeper into it and look for improvements, but those were the only two things that actually affected my reading of the piece

Obviously I know you're not black, and thus would prefer the hard R. I was joking about that. I'm mainly joking about my hatred for dogs being my motivation for reading and writing, but I do hate them all the same. Most are bad and the best of them still deserve the occasional Rick to the head

RKrall "I'm a spineless faggot" onor

You may also like "It's a Boy!" By Darius Conwright.

You are actually a noob intrinsically. In this case, your essential noobness preceded your existence. Thank whatever pagan god you pour out blood before that your life has this particular intrinsic value.

This excerpt has some pretty solid imagery, and I imagine, with context, some of the vagueness would be cleared up. Anyway, with that said, here are the flaws I noticed. "Sound of a raucous sound" is pretty repetitive and feels unnatural. Perhaps consider simply "the sound of raucous shouting." The sentence may flow better that way. Using simply "Sir Potom."as a dialogue tag is odd and draws attention to itself. There's nothing wrong with a more traditional tag, and it may serve you well in this particular instance. If I were you, I would also separate paragraphs after "you've never heard the knight sound so vexed" because the focus shifts characters from the knight to the protagonist. "Decisely" I assume is meant to be either decidedly or decisively. I can't really see another word here. "I don't enjoy admitting defeat just as much as you do" should likely be "I don't enjoy admitting defeat any more than you." The "do" is unnecessary. The ending with the "And him!" Is confusing because I'm not exactly sure what is to be conveyed. I can't tell if I am supposed to connect that to "only if he lives" or "we have to prioritize their lives." That's all from me folks.

I will leave any critiques of this to someone smarter than me. It looks pretty good, and I think I would just muddle it. The only suggestion I have would be "He doesn't even hold the phone out long enough for her to see it..." because I did have to read the sentence twice without the extra pronoun. Make of that what you will.

This is a 216 word excerpt from a secret project. (This is a ploy to get early editing for FREE): You clench your teeth and shoulder your way into the grimy gas station bathroom. You stand there in the middle looking at the filth encrusted drain in the middle of the floor for much longer than a perfectly sane person would. Try as you might, you can't stop the shuddering sobs from leaving your body. You begin to hyperventilate noisily. You force your head upward. You see a haggard, unkempt version of yourself staring back through shaky and bloodshot eyes. Your face appears in much clearer focus than it ever did before that incident in the old dockyard. After all this mess, it's still just you staring back out of the mirror. That thought burns you like a branding iron. After a moment of watching, your arms jerk upward to cover your face. Like touching an aching tooth with your tongue just to see if it still hurts, you look up over your arms another time. A panic seizes you. You wind up and throw a devastating straight right into the mirror. The glass shatters in a violent, almost cartoonish way as your fist plows through the mirror and into the concrete beneath. "You alright in there?" You hear the attendant call from outside. She must be terrified. "I'm fine," you lie. "I'll be right out."

I was gonna say no earlier to be funny, but I actually want to participate