4/1/2023

8/5/2025 4:51 AM

317

2

1 win / 1 loss

Architect

Lazarus Cage

They want to keep you bound in the dark, but you won't let them. You will get out, fight and flee, fail and die, then try again and again...

Nautilus

Grudges must always be the first to die when a storm arrives.

After years away you return home to your dying father, but will you be able to get your brother to forgive you for leaving? And will you step up to the challenge to inherit your father's most prized possession?

Written as part of the 2023 Spring/Summer Contest: Gone Fishin' it is a game with a much bigger focus on story than gameplay, but still there is a decent amount of endings and variation for something this short.

To be fair I just now learned I'm scheduled, but I should claw out enough time to put a story together.

I'm similar in that regard since touch typing is mostly muscle memory. I get the best results when instead of trying to type fast I just type at my normal pace and go with the flow.

We appear to be winning again, but it is close. Thankfully doing daily missions doesn't take that long

Well I guess I’m doing this. Just let me preface this whole thing by saying that I didn’t enjoy writing what you’re about to read. I probably could just mention how Story A failed to actually make use of the prompt and be done with it, but even ignoring that it’s not a particularly good story. The bulk of its issues come from who it picked as a protagonist. Tironis is not a badly written character by short story standards, but at the same time he’s a selfish, egoistic person with not a single good quality to balance him out and no actual story arc to talk about. Both of those combined mean he’s at best bland and at worst annoying. Other characters don’t get much of an opportunity to establish themselves fully, but what is there builds a solid foundation that’s unfortunately never used for anything as his companions vanish from the story when they could make the most difference. It does have some positives: most things are shown instead of told and the pacing as well as action is solid enough. Unfortunately those things can only help and enhance the actual story, but in this case there’s simply nothing to enhance. If I were to redo the story I’d instead either make Aegor the protagonist and have us follow him, or at least not have him disappear in the final fight. He could’ve showed up at the last second and saved Tironis by sacrificing himself. To make as few changes as possible just having him tank the shot and perhaps throwing his axe at the woman to kill her. With that event happening one could deliver a much more emotional ending to the story as Aegor dies in his friend’s arms, perhaps using that sacrifice as a sobering moment for Tironis that makes him grow as a person (or if we want to lean towards the edgy nature of the story have him haunted by essentially causing the death of his friend, both could work) and in the process creates a fittingly grim to the story character arc. Plus now there’s no reason to disqualify the story for forgetting it has a prompt to use. Two (three?) birds with one stone. Story B at least followed the prompt, technically implementing it twice. Its main problem however came from what I can only describe as poor allocation of available words. Despite making quick and efficient work of establishing the setting, which is a concentration camp (by the way the sign at the entrance is incorrect as the actual words above it are “Arbeit Macht Frei”, I don’t think eret is even a word in german), the story then proceeds to waste a significant chunk of time on telling the reader things that don’t enhance the immersion into the story and even digresses a few times and while those scenes are nicely written they don’t establish anything that couldn’t be shown on the spot with probably fewer words. Emil’s character is probably a strong point of the story, with a slight hiccup coming from the fact that once things start actually happening he kinda blanks out. It’s not so much his fault, but rather an indirect result of the pacing going into overdrive. Things happen so fast in the second half that they don’t get a chance to settle into the reader’s mind before there’s a large unexpected time skip followed by another big event we don’t get a chance to dwell on as it’s also followed by a time skip and another scene that tried to dump multiple paragraphs worth of emotions into barely a footnote in the story. The ending itself, while the most enjoyable to read part of the story, is just as rushed but also somewhat weird. The introduction of reincarnation doesn’t make much sense considering that every person involved is already in heaven, which is the ultimate destination for souls. There’s just no reason for an angel to even suggest it, unless I’m missing something significant about the afterlife in Judaism. If I were to take a guess it was introduced to fulfill the self-sacrifice prompt, but there’s just no need for it as Emil already made a sacrifice by giving his last piece of bread to the girl. In terms of changes I’d make, the first would probably be the removal of all those digressions like describing the carnival, the story about chasing the bullies etc and instead used those words to form a firmer visual of what’s happening now. Perhaps instead of a random story of bullies, have a short scene where Avram stands up to a guard in some small way that would still make an impression on Emil. Also instead of pointing out facts and events in walls of dry narration wrap them around in dialogue with a few adjectives to help the reader build a tone in their head: Being only 10 years old, Emil had to furiously pump his feet and swing his arm as fast as he could to achieve the required momentum, because his father refused to stop. - 32 words “Abba, slow down!” Emil pleads in his tiny voice as his 10-year old legs struggle to keep up the pace, but his father doesn’t respond as he continues to pull him along. - Also 32 words, but instead of mildly implying Emil’s annoyance it plainly conveys his discomfort in the situation. Also I’d cut down the scene in heaven to just Emil being reunited with his parents and instead build up the scene in the train, giving more weight to the sacrifice he made by sharing that bread and to his death in the process. So yeah I didn’t really like either story, but I also don’t think not voting would be productive after word-vomiting basically half a short story to explain why I didn’t like them. Therefore my vote goes to B mainly because it actually followed the prompt, but also because it had a fuller, if clunky for technical reasons story.

Damn that really was a long and eventful update. Anyway 1, B and II are my votes

I'm up for some chaos. Yes

It pretty much started when he joined the review contest and then so many longform reviews so quickly people started to get suspicious and eventually he got disqualified for being a suspected AI user. In his great wisdom he refuted the accusation my admitting he instead plagiarized other people's reviews. After that he started digging himself in deeper and deeper with alts, this being the newest one.

Why is one of the premiere spyware companies interested in this place all of a sudden? Anyway. 1. Freedom of speech is a thing on the site and as such swear words to occur, but they're not prevalent. 2. To actual new users sure, but there is a zero tolerance policy to bots and alts made with the sole intention of being a nuisance. 3. Most people do in their own casually subjective way. We're not professional critics here, but honesty and fairness is valued. 4. Pretty easy between an active reading community and also plenty of people willing to help with proofreading if needed. 5. They're a fine if eccentric bunch and do an exemplary job. 6. That's like asking if grass is green. Every community has instances of drama, but here it's mostly caused by outsiders. 7. That is the entire point of multiple sections of the forum (Writing Workshop, Creative Corner and to a lesser extend Advanced Editor Forum) 8. A notable number of storygames here can be counted as a short story based on word count (<7000). More traditional stories are also welcome, but rarer due to the site's focus on interactive fiction. If somebody tries to submit a linear short story as a storygame they will be justifiably called out on it, but not outright banned or anything. 9. The use of generative AI for writing stories is forbidden. The mere idea is insulting to most writers myself included. 10. There's multiple contests a year usually with a few regular ones and an occasional spur-of-the-moment thing. There's actually one happening right now which is the Summer Review Contest. 11. There's a system for unpublishing stories that don't meet the site's quality standard, it's somewhat lenient, but fair. 12. As fair as any score rating system can be. The only difference is that the scale goes from 1 to 8 instead of the more common 5 or 10. 13. People come and go, but there's a steady stream of new storygames with a more notable amount of the being published whenever a new contest comes around. 14. In my opinion people prefer good stories first and foremost, with them being serious or not depending on each person individually. So basically this is an asinine question. 15. Every once in a while a bot manages to avoid being instantly banned and posts some ridiculous questionnaire in a not particularly impressive attempt to scare people. 16. Better in terms of what? The cafeteria is pretty uninspiring, but the offices are otherwise not bad. 17. Its archaic ass design. 18. I wouldn't mind a decent bar so that I don't have to bring my own drinks from home. Or at least a proper mobile layout to make it easier on the zoomers.

Mystic is obviously the next big bad that will dedicate herself to destroying us over the course of at least a season

Man what a season finale. I don't think one could've created a better arc for Sent if they tried with receiving the halberd as a secret death flag into sacrificing himself against the final boss into then being brought back by a stroke of luck that befits a final episode. Bonus points for the write up itself that had me at the edge of my seat for a moment. These have been really fun as a morning read before work, and while I'm glad to be getting a break from having to crawl to bed after collecting a new set of scars every episode, I also can't wait to see what happens next. Have fun on your trip. Also glad to see it's still a sniper's privilege to go unnoticed.