A Midnight Walk

This story was too short, lacked description and was linear. In the future, you need to flesh your stories out so that they flow and you need to focus on writing well. In addition, you didn't properly harness the advanced editor, your readers were told that they could only carry two items but there was no punishment for bringing all four. Beyond that, the story's only puzzle was too simple and too random.

You did do a good job of creating an atmosphere though, so there's that. You clearly have potential but I'd like to see it harnessed. Please put more effort into your next attempt.

Very short, but also very buggy. Trying to take the jewel gave me the same response as trying to take the coin, and while I was told there was a limit of two items, I was able to take all four without issue. Aside from that, there was the game's one 'puzzle' which basically involved giving an item to the mermaid, but with no clues as to which was the correct item, this was just a case of trying one after another until I hit on the right one. And then... the game ended. So brief it was over with almost before I knew it and I was left with the feeling that I probably spent longer writing this comment than the author did writing the game.

I admire you for stepping out of your comfort zone and making a storygame with the Advanced Editor, but there are a few problems with this storygame that I would like to address.

This storygame is littered with grammatical errors (eg. "you woke up from a red sky" makes no sense whatsoever). Your writing doesn't flow well. An example of this would be where you start two consecutive sentences with the word "but". Try reading what you've written out loud once you've finished writing a page and fix things that sound weird.

The storygame was incredibly short and linear. The option to go to sleep is useless and can hardly be counted as an alternative ending to the storygame - I don't see the purpose of linking to it multiple times, let alone once.

After digging around the coin, it says you can only pick up two items but there is no restriction in place to prevent you from taking all four items. You should either put in a restriction or remove the sentence saying you can't take all four items.

Well done for publishing another storygame, but there's a lot of things you can improve on!

Approximate word count: 485

I am somewhat underwhelmed by the author's effort here.

The story claims I can only pick up two items, but doesn't seem to notice or mind if I grab them all. The only choices offered are 1.) Sleep and 2.) Randomly guess whether a mermaid would like a coin or a jewel. (Guess wrong and instantly die.)

If this were published today it'd be gone in 24 hours.

Eh? I really have no idea how to feel about this? It's not /that/ bad, but it's not really good, either??

It was over in like, three clicks.

This is awesome

I think it would've been better if you got to become a fish person (or at least be able to breath underwater) and save the mermaids from some kind of threat.

Overall, I liked the coin part. I really wish you had more items to choose from, because that would make this a lot more fun!

Good luck on your future writing!

-Charaxes

The downfall of any game is these words:
No Links. You may go back or reset to start over.

Holy ****.

I'll be honest, the only reason I read this was to see if it was as bad as the comments claimed. I am sorely disappointed to find that it is worse. Aside from the multiple times you can "Go to Sleep" or give the Mermaid the wrong item, there are only 3 pages. Don't get me wrong, you do have a good premise but it seriously needs to be fleshed out. I've read single page short stories that are longer than this.

Again, you do have a good premise here and I do have to give you credit for attempting to use the advanced editor. You just need to better utilize the tool and put more effort into the story itself.

Also, I would like to extend a piece of advice from high school term papers. Having someone else proofread your story before publishing it. A second set of eyes will catch typos and other grammatical errors that you as the writer would otherwise miss.