Player Comments on A Midnight Walk

This story was too short, lacked description and was linear. In the future, you need to flesh your stories out so that they flow and you need to focus on writing well. In addition, you didn't properly harness the advanced editor, your readers were told that they could only carry two items but there was no punishment for bringing all four. Beyond that, the story's only puzzle was too simple and too random.

You did do a good job of creating an atmosphere though, so there's that. You clearly have potential but I'd like to see it harnessed. Please put more effort into your next attempt.

Very short, but also very buggy. Trying to take the jewel gave me the same response as trying to take the coin, and while I was told there was a limit of two items, I was able to take all four without issue. Aside from that, there was the game's one 'puzzle' which basically involved giving an item to the mermaid, but with no clues as to which was the correct item, this was just a case of trying one after another until I hit on the right one. And then... the game ended. So brief it was over with almost before I knew it and I was left with the feeling that I probably spent longer writing this comment than the author did writing the game.

I admire you for stepping out of your comfort zone and making a storygame with the Advanced Editor, but there are a few problems with this storygame that I would like to address.

This storygame is littered with grammatical errors (eg. "you woke up from a red sky" makes no sense whatsoever). Your writing doesn't flow well. An example of this would be where you start two consecutive sentences with the word "but". Try reading what you've written out loud once you've finished writing a page and fix things that sound weird.

The storygame was incredibly short and linear. The option to go to sleep is useless and can hardly be counted as an alternative ending to the storygame - I don't see the purpose of linking to it multiple times, let alone once.

After digging around the coin, it says you can only pick up two items but there is no restriction in place to prevent you from taking all four items. You should either put in a restriction or remove the sentence saying you can't take all four items.

Well done for publishing another storygame, but there's a lot of things you can improve on!

Approximate word count: 485

I am somewhat underwhelmed by the author's effort here.

The story claims I can only pick up two items, but doesn't seem to notice or mind if I grab them all. The only choices offered are 1.) Sleep and 2.) Randomly guess whether a mermaid would like a coin or a jewel. (Guess wrong and instantly die.)

If this were published today it'd be gone in 24 hours.

Eh? I really have no idea how to feel about this? It's not /that/ bad, but it's not really good, either??

It was over in like, three clicks.

This is awesome

I think it would've been better if you got to become a fish person (or at least be able to breath underwater) and save the mermaids from some kind of threat.

Overall, I liked the coin part. I really wish you had more items to choose from, because that would make this a lot more fun!

Good luck on your future writing!

-Charaxes

The downfall of any game is these words:
No Links. You may go back or reset to start over.

Holy ****.

I'll be honest, the only reason I read this was to see if it was as bad as the comments claimed. I am sorely disappointed to find that it is worse. Aside from the multiple times you can "Go to Sleep" or give the Mermaid the wrong item, there are only 3 pages. Don't get me wrong, you do have a good premise but it seriously needs to be fleshed out. I've read single page short stories that are longer than this.

Again, you do have a good premise here and I do have to give you credit for attempting to use the advanced editor. You just need to better utilize the tool and put more effort into the story itself.

Also, I would like to extend a piece of advice from high school term papers. Having someone else proofread your story before publishing it. A second set of eyes will catch typos and other grammatical errors that you as the writer would otherwise miss.

eh. the grammar, literacy, and punctuation's a 4/10, it's pretty short, i assume it's not planned out, there's not a lot to do, but it's okay, i guess.

Good I guess. A little more longer please if you can.

A little buggy. Needs more work.

Not much to say....lack of choices, poor grammer, not much detail including short length.....My brain wants to tell you.....

Okay, alright, that's it?

Great attempt at trying the advanced editor, but it could use some improvement. First of all, it was very short. Secondly, some of the attempts at using the advanced editor were just that - attempts. When it said there was a limit of only two items, you could take all four without a problem. Thirdly, it lacked a real plot. I felt like the story was really just beginning when the mermaid took you underwater, but instead it was all summed up.

Improvements? I would suggest fixing the whole limit to two items thing so you actually have a limit of two items, eliminating the 'sleep' option because it is a pointless option no one who actually wants to play the game will choose, and lengthening the story. Instead of just being told that the mermaid took me underwater and it was all grand, I want to experience it. I want more than a sentence. Expanding the story in that direction would be great. What you have now is an okay beginning of a story, but I feel like you sort of skipped the middle and the ending of the story and tried to tie it all up in a sentence.

It was good. I guess. I mean you did a good job for you first advanced.

Way too short. You need to flesh out your story, check your grammar and be careful in how you use the advance features.

And add more choices! There were really NO choices, disregarding sleep (which is just an "Quit" button. Not good) and the mermaid encounter, which only had one choice that gave a proper ending, the other ones just resulting in a game over.

Also, the whole "Every mermaid in the ocean comes out and kills you" scene seems a bit over the top.

Take longer on your stories, and plan them out first.

This is nice. Not really all that bad.

it could use some work...
1. not much of a plot
2. very short
3. on the screne were it says that you can only take 2 of the 4 items you can actually take all of them

The story line is basicly sleep or adventure, then you play a guessing game with a mermaid

Okay... What do you mean?

If there was a little more to it I would give it a slightly higher rating, as it could have been built on.

dood u like mermaids?

An interesting concept but it needs to be expanded more. Meeting the fishy maiden should be the start of the real story, not the end.

A good start. Needs more work.

Meh.. Sorta good

It was boring,short, and a link wasn`t even finished! This had hardly any detail, and no excitement.

This could have been good but it is far too short and linear. I want to choose my own story and instead I felt forced down one route.

I didn't really see the point. It feels like a practice of using the advance editor rather than proper story game.

On the bright side, it seems like you've resolved all the buggy issues, as I ran into no trouble as I played through several routes. So kudos on figuring out the Advanced Editor.

There were still some grammar errors and odd spacing in places, however, and they really broke immersion, especially given how short it was. That was a shame, because I was starting to feel the kind of atmosphere you were slowly building up despite the short length of the game, and I don't think I've seen any magical seaside adventures full of old gold coins and cursed jewels and mermaids. You're pretty good at outlining the surroundings and the mood of your story - it just needs to be longer.

Also, a tip for puzzles - leave some kind of hint for which item is the correct one, either in the item descriptions or in the words the mermaid says.

The inventory issue has been mentioned before. There are no clues as to what items you are supposed to take. I think that the endings need more work; they lack detail and don't give any feeling of accomplishment when you get to them. I guess I just want closure...
Nice attempt though. Practice makes progress!

Way to short and un descirptive

The writing started off good, but it eventually degraded to troll game levels. It was also a little short. 3/8.

Good job! Can't wait for your style to get better, so keep at it! :)

okay I guess...

What are the items use for anyway??? 4/8

it's good but short and easy.

I was expecting a bigger story. XD

Fun but short

That's pretty good.

Only thing- It said you could only take two but it let me take all four. Is there a way you can fix that? I've seen it on other stories too.

I liked it thank you for this my friend

I have to admire that you stepped out of your comfort zone and stepped out its good for this type of experiment.

Its extremely short. The good ending was also very plain. Rather than just recalling the events, you could have put more emotion into your writing.

it like three pages long

meh

no done, plz finsh

I got killed by a mermaid!:(

Very short & not all that interesting. I won't waste time by repeating the flaws that others have already mentioned. I'm new to the site & have not written any stories myself yet, so take my review with a pinch of salt, as i have no understanding of the complexities involved in putting even a simple story like this together. Keep writing & Best wishes.

Great game but really short

that sucked! i got the good ending in like 4 seconds. too easy and boring

well, i didnt get to play much because the mermaid flipped out and killed me

So, we have a bipolar mermaid and a bunch of valuables? O.o

Awesome Does Not Approve!
Well, as everyone else is saying, the beginning was great, with vivid description and nice setting. But some things to view:
Sleep Option: Pointless.. If you're going to use that, let the player wake up and do something else, not just end the game.
Two Items: There's a part before the end where you find the stuff. It says you can only grab two items, but nevertheless I could get all four.
Length: REALLY short. If you had stretched it out with another part where you are at the mermaid base, that would have helped.
3/8 (Don't take this too heavily: I'm just a contributor with no games of my own :)

What's my motivation?

It started off good, and your grammar and spelling were also good, but it just kinda... floped from there. A few complaints are:
1. The sleep option. It just seems added as an excuse to have more than one page. In my opinion you should take it out.
2. Dead ends. When I first tried it, I ignored the items to go see the splash, and when the mermaid asked for items, I was stuck there and had to use the 'go back' button up the top, which just felt like cheating. You should put an option to go back in the mermaid page.
3. Length. This felt more like a way to test the editor instead of an actual story. It needs to be MUCH longer.

Uhmm... That was.... Short?

Not bad for a first game, but needs editing as i spotted a few grammar mistakes. A little boring, and it was more or less linear.

It is not a bad game, but it has a couple of errors that annoy me.
1. Don't have the sleep option. It is a pointless option, and annoys the reader.
2. Random choices are bad. Give a hint for which item is correct, rather then having the reader guess.
3. And, have a longer game.
3/8

Good for a first attempt, I suppose, but it seemed a little bit lazy. With more description, choices, and perhaps more items, it could be pretty good.

Well it started off nice and the description of the beach was pretty, but after that all that happened was you picked up some stuff and met a mermaid. If you'd gotten to explore the underwater kingdom, that would've been cool, but the way it was left off was pretty disappointing. Also, I'm going to assume this is a morbidly obese mermaid, since her name is Huuuge! :p

Not bad for a first attempt (and your use of Items was brave for a first game). You'll need way more content and choices to score much higher however. Keep at it :)