Blue iris

This is an interesting concept, but I'm not entirely sure how this belongs on this website. I don't believe that it would count as an adventure game, as the choices made do little to affect the outcome. I felt as though it was merely a story. That said, I thought the plot was interesting, but you began to lose me around the end. It became too confusing, as the main character's thoughts and changing perspective (I believe?) kept colliding with each other. There seemed to be no meaning. The writing was too melodramatic, especially since you added too many ". . ." at the end of sentences. The spacing was intolerable - you made a new paragraph after almost every single line. By doing so, it seemed as though you were attempting to make the story sound sad, bring out emotions from the reader, and cause them to sympathize with the girl. To me, I found it overdramatic and irritating. It also made it harder to read, as I had to constantly jump from line to line. Your grammar wasn't the best. Your descriptions were also a bit too vague or overly detailed at points (ex: the scene where you described the sun . . . what exactly was the point of that run-on sentence?), which made it frustrating to read. There were many areas where you had misspelled words or failed to properly punctuate your sentences.

Overall, I disliked this game (if you could call it one? I don't think it'd count as a game). The plot - while slightly interesting at first - was too confusing and only grew more jumbled near the end. I felt as though my choices were meaningless and only pushed towards one path/conclusion, and I'm still not sure what happened at the end. There seemed to be no meaning to this story. It was also difficult and irritating to read with the melodramatic writing, bad spacing, and poor grammar. I honestly felt like you spent too much time trying to make the story sound sad and dramatic. The description of the game caught my eye because it was quite an original idea. I feel that if you focused more on developing your writing and grammar, you would be able to make a great story or game. You have the potential - I really loved the idea, but I think you poorly executed it. Keep working and writing.

I like the writing there, it was certainly evocative and for some reason reminded me of Adele's new song "Hello" (lines like "I've been a ghost this whole time"). I imagine someone who is moved to tears by the sight of a plant would completely break down emotionally if she ever went shopping in someone like a garden centre.

There are some really good things about the story. You were non-specific about the illness and her insanity which was good in a The Yellow Wallpaper style of story way. You made a good choice of words and conveyed maximum emotion with the fewest number of words (or close to the fewest) which is also a sign of good writing.

Now onto the bad things. You use ellipses (this: ...) far too much, the spacing makes the story a challenge to read rather than helping give a literary representation of someone's thoughts and the whole thing was a little random (the text at the end made absolutely no sense at all unless the main character is having audio and visual hallucinations which suggests her whole train of thought could be a delusion). It's a fine line between being too vague and too specific when writing about past romances and this did slip over the line into the wtf-is-going-on region once or twice.

Overall though it was an interesting and refreshingly original story that was well written and interesting, if short. But like Bucky said the spacing






















































is really annoying no?

Okay, this feels exactly like...a Twine game.
It's good, there's a haunting atmosphere about it which is filled with emotion. The writing is decent. It's also completely linear and most of the links just take you back to the beginning.

Make this into a Twine game and post it to the relative community. Add some weird colours or something. I tell you now that the Twine community will welcome you with open arms if you write something like this over there.

This, however, is a site where more than one branch is usually required, so you will probably get a low rating for the linearity alone.

That was depressing.

It's so sad, but it's beautiful, too

Sad but good

That was confusing and depressing. 1/8

It reminds me of Snow by Sethanial (probably spelled wrong). The story is told in parts, leading to the main page, remembering ghastly memories.

The writing here is pretty good, not gonna lie, and it'a an interesting idea. But... It's not really an adventure story? From what I can tell, there's only one ending.

I mean, c'mon, this site is called "chooseyourstory". There's not much of a choice here. But, to be completely fair, this is your first story, so... Maybe give us a choice or two next time, and you'll get a higher rating ^^

4/8

(also less spaces maybe? cool cool m8)

Too many spaces plus its more like a story where you could only do one thing