Just another Night

The game design wasn’t too bad! You incorporated item use correctly and had no broken links or blank pages. There were a lot of issues though. Assuming you want to get better I have listed a few things to work on:

- the first page- this is what we call an information dump. It is when you just list a lot of details without really telling a story. You can work some of these details into the narrative. However, you can use an information dump and say it is not part of the story if you want.
- the strange choices- I wouldn’t put a choice that says “I’m not ready to play” and then give the reader a cookie. This makes the game seem like a joke and takes away from the serious tone. You can remove things like that entirely.
- the authors explanations- at each ending you sort of worth something like “this is a good ending! I hope you liked it and it wasn’t too gory!” You can delete that! Let the reader decide if the ending is good or bad. You also do not need to put a start over or go back Link. Just end the game. The player has a go back and a start over button for the reader, and we know that there are more choices. Let us start over and don’t make it part of the game. You also don’t need to type “you can try again to get a different ending” on every “bad” ending. Let the reader do those things.
- English- English is not your native language, so I respect you writing something understandable at all! But be sure to study English sentence structure and grammar. It was pretty bad, understandably so, but it still makes it hard to read. If you want to go over a page post it on the forum and ask for help or PM me and I’ll help you fix a page or two. Some things that you need to look at are:
-tense changes (you need to write everything in the same tense)
-punctuation (ending sentences in the right spots and knowing when to use things like commas are important to covey the proper meaning and pace)
-word choice (I am not sure if you were unsure of the right words to use, or if there were typos, but some of the sentences were just wrong)
- sentence structure (a lot of things were choppy and did not “flow” well. It read like broken English. This is hard so I understand, but it hurts your story).

Ultimately the idea wasn’t bad, but the execution was really rough. It would have been better if you stuck to the dark tone and didn’t break the story to put in your apologies for being bad at English. Write confidently and we can help fix the language things.

Sorry, but I couldn't even attempt to focus on the story due to the sheer overload of errors.