KOBOLD KEBABS

I haven’t read Mizal’s stories for a while so I was looking forward to this one 😊 We immediately get into an interesting story in a village that resembles the grimmer parts of Glasgow with a chef that has all the culinary skills of my sister on a deadline. When it mentioned it was my responsibility to preare a meal while an important truce was being discussed I had an immediate premonition that I’d be able to destroy all that with a mass poisoning – the reality was actually much more cleverly and entertainingly done! The tongue twisters based around the word “cook” were fun.

There was a series of interesting information to stumble across, among them the fact that I want to try the little brown mushrooms in the caves. Naturally I decided to resort to cannibalism at the first opportunity and lie about it (I mean honestly, it you trust a lizard-guy named “Scratch” to prepare the food you deserve this). In no time at all I become the Sweeney Todd of the Kobold world – with all this great training (depicted in all its sickening detail) I sort of expected the story would end in a cross-over with me producing a new and mysterious type of McDonald’s burger.

Going to the King’s Cook-off led to initial visions of poisoned royalty but the twist was even better and I loved the assistant-ingredient situation (the line “I’ll just humanely slaughter myself as soon as I finish peeling these potatoes” is definitely in my top ten now). As escape was denied me (or finding a substitute) I found the ending very satisfying and I’m looking forward to the sequel. Overall, this was a very enjoying and entertaining read, especially for Fantasy fans.

There were no SPAG errors (or at least none that I saw) and the whole thing was written with a lively sense of humour throughout. The branching and twists in the story were well-planned and the narrative voice was original and strong enough that we didn’t need lots of details about the characters or settings to get a clear image of either. I would definitely recommend this story as a relatively rare cys comedy story that works and can’t really think of any significant weak areas to criticize in the entire story except wishing it was longer. Looking forward to the sequel! :D

Well...that escalated quickly.

I'm actually quite proud of the fact that, on my very first playthrough, I managed to guide Scratch towards a...well, I don't know if I can call it a good meal, but it was definitely a success. For a kobold, anyway. Even if it was pretty gross to me when I read about the frog spawn. (Look, I know people do eat frog legs, but I have never liked even the thought of that).

There was definitely a darker undertone to my initial playthrough of this storygame, with Cook Kook's secret revealed in his journal. It was very disturbing, especially when paired with the first ending I came across and the inevitable path the player character took. After that ominous ending, the happier one (with the kobold sanctuary and girlfriend) had an even creepier vibe to it.

I did mention the first meal, which was kind of a success...but the other paths I followed, the meals were even worse. And the fallout from those had absolutely dire consequences; not just for Scratch himself, but for the rest of his people, who were...well, maybe innocent? But I didn't particularly like the Chief, especially when he tried to steal Scratch's gold that he'd earned fair and square. The appearance of Cook Kook as a ghost was pretty surreal, and I wondered if Scratch had ended up eating one of those mushrooms that was supposed to send him on a 'trip'.

There was more violence and death than I was expecting in this storygame, but it was still pretty entertaining, and had a really cohesive storyline and goal for the player character that was easy to understand. I definitely enjoyed reading this.

To be honest, the only real experience I’ve had with kebolds before this was as background characters in EndMaster’s works. While he manages to give them an established “place” in Eternal, this story turns the entire trope on its’ head and establishes the possibility of a Kebold being something other than a foot soldier… a cook!

Mizal’s writing style, with her brand of wit and wtf moments that enhance the story without driving it off the rails, establishes a niche that very few writers on this site have been able to pull off. Sherb has his horror stories. EndMaster has his Grimdark. Fresh has her stories and tales from far off lands. And Mizal is the undisputed champion of dark comedy here on CYS. KEBOLD KEBABS is a wild ride. Will you be able to overcome humble beginnings, or will you lose your life? Will you become an esteemed cook, or are you destined to end up as the secret ingredient in tonight’s main course?

Spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk.

I loved this story enough to play through multiple paths. Admittedly, some eventually loop around to the same path, but it’s still amusing seeing the inner monologue of Scratch, and his interactions with Chief Assagg.

That journal… Jesus. Realizing that Kebold Dahmer only hired you so he could eat you was a shock… although Scratch the protag seemed to have bounced back from that revelation a little too well. I understand Mizal tends to have a more laid back approach to her writing, but not even a brief rant about how much of an asshole the cook is and a newfound determination to outdo him?

Cook Kook ate a CHILD and made it look like a drowning. That itchy spot must’ve been messing with Scratch’s brainpower to just shrug that one off.

In my first playthrough, making the frogspawn pie definitely had me nervous. Grubs, frogspawn, acorns? I was pleasantly surprised when it turned out well… and not so pleasantly surprised when the Chief decided to keep my earnings while him and the other Elders admonished me. Suddenly Cook Kook just became less of a monster and more of a justified villain in my eyes. Fuck these old lizards.

Okay… those puns are indeed pretty hilarious. May I just add that it was tempting to have Scratch just… head out (lol). Except now that I’m a lot less sympathetic to this village, and the description of the Kebold’s tail as a food item sounds quite decadent.

Well! A serial killer that serves his victims to the clients he cooks for. I’m not gonna lie, the tail sounds pretty flipping good. And our hero gets the coin and a job where he’s appreciated? I’d call this a happy ending. Not his fault the humans are so ignorant they’d rather make assumptions then consider… alternative explanations for why these kobolds keep getting killed. Although I am curious as to why the human guards never put two and two together and came up with the possibility that the guy who cut off Assagg’s tail is the same one doing it to all these other kebolds. Probably cause they don’t give a shit.

Going into exile leads to a happy ending. Admittedly, it’s a bit too cliché for my liking. But not bad if you’re looking for a quick “win.”

Going back to the moment where Scratch closes the journal. Yeah honestly I prefer this route. I may have a bit less hostility towards Ol’ Cook Kook for his decisions, but he still killed a child kobold. And besides, he got to die of natural causes. Shoulda burned the journal, buddy!

When asked about what meat this is, I went ahead and told the truth. Dude…the only thing I find funnier than how Scratch goes on about how he “accidentally” cut off Cook Kook’s tail seconds after reading about how delicious it is, is how everyone just seems to accept it. Even Assagg.

Speaking of Assagg, I definitely am starting to hate him. This guy is literally going to commercialize cannibalism to fund a war, and let poor Scratch take the blame? Between this and Cook Kook’s designs for him, I’m thinking Scratch should’ve just banged out in the middle of the night and found a nice, comfortable cave to live in miles away from civilization.

This leads to an ending in which I genuinely pity the poor guy. He only wanted to be a great chef, and it’s not like he did anything except hand a dead guy who was going to EAT him a taste of his own medicine. Now he’s slaving away with no tail in a factory where he has to grind up his own people living under the boot of foreign nations, knowing he will one day meet the same fate when he’s no longer useful.

Granted, Scratch’s final comment of “If only this could have been avoided somehow” shows that while he may be an accomplished cook, he’s shit at accountability. Probably can’t even spell it.

My next route was to become a traveling chef. Apparently, a terrible one. Although I suppose there is something to be said when so many different races from a variety of backgrounds and cultures agree that I suck.

Thank God for favoritism though, cause guess what starry-eyed Kebold is on his way to the King’s Cookoff?!

I started by trying for a magnificent roast. Scratch really needs to start watching what he says to people, cause now I’m surprised the guard hasn’t cut my tail off himself. Like a badass, I ended up cutting off my own tail and serving it to the king. Talk about dark.

There’s gonna be a sequel? I look forward to it… although the title of “Kebold Sausage Factory” and having no tail reminds me a little too much of the previous “War Is Hell” ending. Might I suggest “Scratch’s Sausage Party” as an alternative title?

Chicken Blood Pudding had me rolling. Despite Scratch’s clear confusion on what entails a flashback to childhood, no chickens being left in the entire city would be a criticism if it wasn’t for the double meaning behind the author’s witty “45 minutes until the contest deadline” remark.

Following this up with the Kingdom suffering their very own pandemic after eating the wrong bat (lol), this was a very clever way of making light of a situation that was in reality a very huge problem.

I wonder… is the name of the Kingdom Wuhan, by any chance?

Anyways, deciding to suppress my inquisitive urges, and armed with an immediate promotion to Cook Scratch, I immediately head to the one place where only the most exquisite of ingredients can be found: the Village Dump!

A shoe? Score! Fun fact, when sailors had run out of food and were starving, they would sometimes eat the leather to their boots and satchels. Granted, this was after brining it in vinegar for several hours and washing it down with copious amounts of liquor. But water and an earthworm is good too, right?

Um. Apparently not. At least they weren’t mad enough to kill you. You live to a ripe old age, before dying in typical kebold fashion: violently. There’s another idea for a sequel: BEAR KEBABS: REVENGE OF THE KEBOLDS!

Now I’ve decided to take a walk in the forest… and I’m gonna go ahead and start this path the right way: by being a lazy bastard! If our cuisine isn’t good enough for those snooty dignitaries, then fuck ‘em!

Deer shit? Really, man? Even Kebolds don’t like that stuff, if the closing paragraph on this page is anything to go by.

Yeah, their reaction is understandable. What I love is the OBE where you speak with Cook Kook. Being reincarnated as a wood grub? Eh. I can think of worse afterlives. Although for Cook Kook to claim I’m getting “exactly what I deserve” for ruining his peace when he’s a freaking cannibal… yeah cutting off his tail is looking like the best option.

Ooof. I don’t think this is what the philosophers meant when they said “Know Thyself.” That’s what you get for trying to feed literal shit to a group of heavily armed rulers. I hope the entire village, nay, the entire RACE, is put to the sword for Scratch’s arrogance.

Going back to wander deeper into the forest. As soon as I saw Scratch collect the white mushrooms, I knew immediately this was gonna be bad. See, Scratch may not have paid attention to Cook Kook’s lecture, but I sure as Hell did.

Who the fuck names a mushroom “Elegant White Mushrooms of Instant Death to non-Kebold races?”

Of course Assagg, or as I’m prone to calling him now, Assfag, is gonna try and throw me under the bus.

Lol, fag! I never get tired of seeing that asshole get his head smashed in. It’s nice to escape, but I hope for the safety of innocents everywhere that Scratch isn’t caught within fifty miles of an apothecary.

Ohhhh no. Hallucinogenic mushrooms encased in a mushroom known as Dwarven Condoms, with a side of bat shit? What could possibly go wrong here?

Okay that ending paragraph was pretty gay. And I literally wrote a story about a black man cucking a bunch of twinks.

Cottage-Condom Guanomole Sausages… even the name is unappealing. Yet they seem to be responding to this better than any non-tail related dishes… like Flintstrike says, interesting.

And there’s the hallucinations! Hilarious and descriptive. Mizal does an excellent job of depicting a group of world leaders losing their minds. Of course the Church gets involved and exterminates everyone afterwards. More than likely, they came to exorcise whatever demons the guards thought the leaders were possessed by, and when the drugs wore off, they all put their heads together and realized what happened.

Admittedly, they had no way of knowing the Cook formerly known as Scratch was an incompetent moron, and probably figured this was intended as a deliberate act of disrespect.

That’s all for now. There’s probably a route or two I may have missed, but overall this story kept me entertained from beginning to end. It spun an original premise from an underrepresented race in the fantasy categories and turned it into a masterpiece of comedy, while still allowing for very high stakes and a higher price of failure.

If I had to make a single complaint about this story, it would be the play length was a lot shorter than I would have liked from this veritable side-splitter. Regardless, my final rating is 7/8.

Holy Upton Sinclair, I did not expect this story to go the way it went. Anyway, for anybody with poor judgement who is reading a review to get an idea of the content of a story, I would describe this as a zany dark comedy set in a charmingly cliche fantasy world. Cooking and comical misunderstandings will ensue. All the following paragraphs will likely feature SPOILERS, so read no further if you have not completed the story.

First, I want to examine the narrator, because that was one of the most interesting parts of this storytelling process to me. Firstly, an argument could be made that this story would also fulfill the requirements of a "literally retarded protagonist." The protagonist definitely seems to be the perfect comedy protagonist in that they miss social cues when it's funny, but are fully capable of recognizing them elsewhere. The fact that the protagonist is completely unaware of greater kobold lore, or even the types of mushrooms in his own forest seems legitimate as a result. I suppose he was the target of a serial killer for a reason.

I think the thing that would set this story apart from most CYS stories is the inclusion of foods. I don't think that anyone would feel taken out of the world by the recipes. Assuming kobolds cook, the recipes you used were very kobold. The only thing I was curious about was if chicken blood pudding was a childhood staple, why was chicken not on his mind at all when cooking for foreign dignitaries. I suppose kobolds could just be sticklers for private property.

I also like that the meta humor with links and things was not prevalent throughout, but was only presented when it was funny. The downside to that was it made it seem like those paths were maybe less developed and humor was being used as a camouflage. Obviously this was most apparent with the "previous page" link on what I have to assume is the 'canon' path.

The only real downside to this story was that many paths felt underdeveloped compared to the one or arguably two paths that really got a lot of love. Granted, playing a cannibalistic serial killer of a kobold traveling from place to place and never outgrowing being a ridiculous charlatan is the best path. All in all, very enjoyable story

An absurd in the best way ride with a lot of twists and turns backed by really solid writing.

KOBOLD KEBABS decides to grab a random, crazy premise from the back shelf and just kind of runs with it while butchering whatever once culturally relevant song it can currently remember at the top of its lungs. And despite being so wacky it also maintains a surprising level of consistency in its writing alongside a very unique, immersive style of narration that leans into the game’s vibe quite well.

All of that combined makes it very easy to immerse yourself into the story and root for the protagonist, who in his inherent simplicity becomes an endearing centerpoint of the whole thing. The other characters mostly stay out of the way as they don’t do much beyond serving as foils or simple supplements to his story.

There’s a notable amount of branching to the story considering the word count and plenty of good, bad and questionable endings. Even those few that are quite obviously a rushed patchwork to get the whole thing out the door maintain a certain level of charm to them. There’s a few minor typos in places, but nothing that pulls the reader out of the story.

KOBOLD KEBABS is a blast to read and should definitely make its way onto the to-read list of anyone who enjoys going on a goofy adventure filled with objectionable shenanigans.

Final score: 7/8

I wasn't expecting a story so short to really resonate with my soul like this. I teared up a bit at the thought of kobalds killing each other to make the best pies and kebabs possible. God I'm hungry, all I had for lunch was cup noodle.

Not a fan of this fantasy, but well written as always :)

Read this story to the kids on my bus to keep them from being bored on the way to summer camp, they really enjoyed it but I'm now very concerned with the number of times they wanted to eat each other's tails.

6/8 it's okay.

Interesting storygame. Definitely creative and witty