Mercer Gang

Haven’t read any stories in a while, here is some feedback for you.
CONTENT: 4
:) The story had a solid plot line without major plot holes. Most of the events were engaging and you made some effort to show each gang member as a person rather than just the gang as a whole. Not every scene was expected so some thought was definitely put into making the story interesting.
:| Some of the scenes were a bit rushed. You could describe the battles a bit more (although you already did a good job on that). I understand that you want to make it a 2 part story but considering the length is 3/8 you could combine them to make the story feel complete.

LANGUAGE: 3
:) You made some effort in describing the details of each battle and talked about the same event from different perspectives through the newspaper.
:| The grammar and punctuation definitely wasn’t up to standard for a story. I would recommend working on that or ask someone to help you phrase it better. While the story itself was alright, the way it was written made it difficult to follow. You could also add little details on how outlaws talk (not foul language, just more rough) since now their language seems very civil and polite.

BRANCHING AND GAMEPLAY: 4
:) There were a decent amount of choices throughout the story, such as whether to kill or let the sheriff live, which altered the news reports, and it was fun to see how it changes some details of the story.
:| While there were choices, most of them did not affect how the story played out and had minimal effects on the plot.

OVERALL: 4/8 I see mercer gang returns is already in the making. Hope you can make the improvements necessary and I look forward to the 2nd part!

Now this is my kind of story! :D Obviously, the grammar, punctuation and spelling are messy so I recommend you get a proof-reader or two to go through your next story to help you correct the mistakes before publishing. I liked the very specific time and place, though more could have been done to describe the historical setting, and I like that we did all the outlaw things like stagecoach, bank and train robberies and gunfights (good ticking of all the boxes here). The gunfights were slightly glossed over and could have been described in more detail.

I’m not sure if it is necessary to have 11 characters (unless you are planning to kill a few off) and none really stand out as individuals (for some reason I’m reminded of the Dwarves in The Hobbit). I like that the lawman nicely asked me to please not commit any more crimes. As an outlaw this laidback approach to policing is a big help! I also like how I do roll-calls just to make sure everyone is ok with continuing to be an outlaw. It’s nice to be democratic.

I don’t think it was necessary to divide the story into chapters or to make this into multiple parts as it isn’t that long. It’s not necessary to put a save option immediately before the ending of the story. Though the story is pretty realistic and reads like something that could have happened, with all the dates, places and participants, in places it’s pretty general (this person got shot but was ok, this other one said sorry for shooting someone). This story could benefit from more descriptions, especially in the gunfights or dramatic moments, and the individual characters given a little more personality. None of the Mercer gang was killed, they just get shot and recover, so losing a comrade or two could help to create some dramatic tension.

There is also unclear motivation for the outlaws. Obviously, they are robbing to get the money but what do they spend the money on? We’re not told how much money they steal and as a financially-motivated gang leader this is something I’d like to know. The story is also a bit linear without much branching so I’d recommend having the option to sit out certain robberies or crimes or go with different gang members to do different crimes or other stuff (as you have so many characters).

Overall, this is an enthusiastic first effort but proof readers would definitely help make your next story more legible. Also, either a plot or greater dramatic tension in the dangers faced and losses suffered by the characters would help increase the readers’ interest. You could work out a whole timeline or series of events to happen to them and possibly introducing a love interest or more historical context would broaden the story a little more. You’ve picked a fun genre to write in though and obviously have an enthusiasm for writing so well done and good luck in your next story.

It was an interesting story, and a good effort for a first time.

I'm pretty interested in the Wild West and the history of that time period. I like that you had multiple characters, and it was fun to see what adventures Klay and his friends would go on.

I like the setting of Russellville Kentucky, and how the time period 1896 seems accurate, especially since Jesse James died in 1882, so it's definitely possible that these kids would know of his death and see him as a folk hero.

The premise of the story is quite simple: Klay Mercer and his friends are sixteen year olds bored with regular life and enchanted with the lifestyle of outlaws from the Wild West.

The outlaws rob banks, put sheriffs at gunpoint, and have a galore of gunfights, but the best part of the story is the reference to the 1896 movie, the great train robbery, also the first movie ever made.

There was a lot of action. It was very fast-paced, as it should be. The bank robbery scene was cool. Also, the branching could be better, but it was ok for a first time. There were choices like whether you want to kill the sheriff or not, and depending on that, the newspaper you read changes. Nice touch.

Drawbacks:

the spelling and grammar needs some work. It's hard to understand what the author is saying unless you make an effort to ignore the SPAG issues, but once you do, you get a nice delightful Wild West story that's pretty fun. There's also 10 chapters. I am impressed with how the author made a great wild-west story, and I just want to say, keep writing! It's an interesting fun story, that once reworked and all the grammar/spelling mistakes are fixed, would no doubt be a great story. I'm sure the sequel will be cool, and I can't wait to see what the Mercer gang does next!

I had a fun time reading this.

Firstly I just want to say that the story has an intriguing flow to it as it made me want to read to the end. I believe that you could've separate the group to have more memorable conversations and relationships. I notice that when a member gets injured it doesn't impact the story badly or make me care about the character. Apart from the grammar mistakes, you did a great job with the action sequences so I gave it a 4/8.

Very basic and simple, one of the best grammatically incorrect stories on here.

- - Quick Review - -
To start things off, I was very excited when I read the name, description, and tags. Very cool idea and I can see why Neon Cat would want to write this. While when I got into the story I found quite a few flaws, at its core this is a good story that just needs a bit of fluffing and polishing.

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS PAST THIS POINT

- - Highlights - -
You can certainly hear the tumbleweeds blowing by you as you read this story— it does a very good job of bringing the western vibes, making it a good fit for someone looking to read this kind of story. The little origin story bit at the beginning was cute, how they all wanted to be like Jesse James and bullied kids and whatnot.
The imagery in this story was very nice. It had a few sound descriptions and setting descriptions, and while there could’ve been MORE of it all. Bang of a gunshot, crisp silence, horse hooves pounding the ground, just more description.
Another thing I liked about this story was the dates and places; these were a nice addition that not only added to the western feel of it all, but could help the reader keep a timeline of their journey through the story.

- - Rocky Road - -
Well, I hope you like your rocky road ice cream sugar-free and dairy-free, cause that’s the way I serve it. It won’t be sweet, and it won’t be smooth, but it’ll be straight up and hopefully helpful.
Right off the bat I noticed that this story needed a thorough proof-read, as there are not a few, not some, but many grammatical errors riddling this story. From missing words, to improper punctuation, to complete absence of necessary punctuation, to some other things that were just flat out wrong. One of the most consistent problems was with dialogue and the use of quotation marks. It makes a story SO MUCH BETTER to have good, proper dialogue with better descriptions than “said.” There’s no shame in having a fellow member or two look over your story to make sure everything is in order before publishing.
Back to earlier on in the story there were some pages that definitely could’ve been combined into one page. For instance “bullying the kid” and “First Threat” could’ve been one page with at most a page break if them being separate was really necessary. The way it looks to be is that the author just wanted to have more links without adding choices or lengthening the story.
Speaking of adding choices, that would really help improve the story. I often found myself going for more than four pages without getting to make a decision. This is Choose Your Story, dammit. Some ideas of choices that could’ve been made: which raid to go on, which supplies to prioritize, assigning roles of my gang, etc. One choice that would’ve been really simple to add could be worked in by first separating “Chapter Five Nashville Bank Robbery” into the planning of the robbery and the actual execution itself. This automatically opens up the choice for the reader of whether to plan or not, which not planning could take you to a robbery scene I’ll mention later and planning will take you to a page that allows you the choice between a minimum of 2 dates. This wouldn’t even have to open up to a long branch, as it could be designed to where there were lawmen who had happened to be going to the bank that day and so you were caught before it even begun and suddenly you get shot and boom, end game link. Then of course if the reader chooses not to plan it would be up to the author whether that led to the end game date or the robbery that moves you and your gang up in the world.
Another major issue I had with this story was there was very little real feeling conflict. When I think western I think action and adventure, snakes and duels and shootouts, which you had but almost every conflict was resolved within a paragraph or two. I was really disappointed at this.
Not just conflict though, there was very little feeling in general in this story. The characters were little more than names on the page, the dialogue and interactions were simple and brief. The descriptions, while there on occasion, were lacking and I would’ve loved this story to be fluffed out with juicy descriptions, down to the color of bandana Buck wore.
Going back to what I said earlier, I really like that the author included dates throughout the story. However, sometimes the dates were out of order and made the story more confusing instead of presenting a clear timeline.
One last major point I feel obligated to cover: there was usually only a sheriff and a deputy for law enforcement in old western towns way back in the day, given their size and population didn’t call for more.

- - Final Thoughts - -
Mercer Gang is a wonderful story idea, promising action and western and excitement; it just wasn’t written to its full potential. The best prescription for this story includes the following:
1. More collaboration and proof reading—
This would solve a majority of the issues with this story. Sometimes all it takes to get the ideas flowing is bouncing them off of other people and hearing what they have to say, which this story would definitely have benefited from. Plus, the main thing keeping me from giving this story a higher rating is how messy the writing is. It needs cleaned up, a lot.
2. Time and effort—
Rome wasn’t built in a day. This story felt rushed and like the author cared more about getting it published than actually producing a good quality story. Spend some time on it, write long details, create characters who are more than names, play out dramatic action scenes. It’s the little things to flesh out the story that really make it worth reading. This story was a great idea, it was like you made a plan in your head for a roller coaster, showed everyone the blueprint, then made a plastic slide. So much potential, so little execution.
3. Passion—
If you don’t care about a story, don’t even begin to write about it. If you choose to create anything, you need to love it as your creation; don’t just treat it like a homework assignment you save until the last minute to work on and turn in because you don’t really care. If you don’t care about it, why should anyone who’s reading it?

I hope you found these comments helpful. As for the story, I think if you are really into westerns and can overlook the sloppy writing, then you could enjoy it. As I have said, it could be much better, but it does have its nice qualities as well that shouldn’t be completely overlooked by the flaws. As for Neon Cat, keep writing, can’t wait to see what you do with the sequel, and I hope you can implement at least some of my advice into your future works.

It was not even mildly interesting. It was just good enough to poop on.

i found one mistake on the newspaper it said 1868 not 1870

good but but few spelling mistakes

this story is bussin