The Dance Epidemic

Well, at least you finished this...kinda.

I've seen worse on this site, but that's a very low bar to clear. At the very least you could have given a generic end to every path instead of just "You died LUL" except you didn't even bother with the LUL part. I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but I can't help but feel you sort of just phoned this in or something.

At least the prose is consistent, again kind of. The fundamental problem which I'm sure others have gone over (which I have not read) is that there's just not much going on here. You do bother to actually describe some things, I'll give you that, but its just not enough for a handful of scenes. I'm sure you could at least do a little better in terms of making each scene feel like a complete scene, from there, you can then try to detail what's going on more (without overdoing it in the opposite direction, but I'm sure you won't need to worry about that...)

I took a peak at this storygame back when it was still finished, so I guess I'm surprised you finished it at all, but given how short it is, maybe I shouldn't be all that surprised really...

TL;DR This is an ok start but you can do better! I know you can! :D

Not much story here. The handling of the 'dance epidemic' is clunky and off-putting. None of the endings really feel diegetic to the story. SPAG issues are noticeable and the lack of proofreading in a story this short is painfully obvious.

THIS WAS THE BEST GAME EVER THIS SHIT ISAWsome

4/8
Nice plot, but bad execution

Not really much of a story. I think you need to spend more time on this. Check out the Writer's Workshop and the Creative Corner. Read some of the articles in the "Help and Info" section, then come back and write a story game

My favorite character was the mom

I gave you a 2/8 last time because you are a young noob. You were told this was too short and linear, yet here it is again with just 100 extra words tacked on to a new ending.

Still sucks, 1/8.

I wouldn't have said anything if you hadn't commented "AMAZING!!"

This is not "AMAZING!!", this is "Steaming spurt of shit!" because that's the reaction I had from reading this "storygame"

Initial thoughts: Should I even bother? It's going to get taken down.

******************** Nothing to spoil ****************************************


Let's see... how can I say this without crushing the soul of a twelve year old?

This shit sucks. The plot is short and linear, the sentence structure and flow are abysmal, and the grammar is somehow the best part even though it isn't the greatest either! The whole thing is only like 300 words total. Does the author use those 300 words well? NO!

The plot is far too linear to actually be a storygame. Some girl gets possessed or something so you either save another person and get the good ending, or try leaving and get killed for the bad ending. Those are the only relevant choices. The only other choice you get is whether you use the wrong key before you escape.

Maybe read some more stories on this site before writing your own to get an idea of the bare minimum we expect here. I believe all young people can show potential as creative writers, and this shows you have some desire to. It's sadly just a very poor first attempt.

Final Rating: 2/8. Do better.

I feel like you've read enough games around here to know 300 words is not going to cut it. That's like, three small paragraphs worth of writing.

You seem to at least have a baseline understanding of grammar; that's not an insignificant thing these days. But you can do better.