Twilight of Apocalypse: Pt 1

First off the writing is very awkward. For example "She looks around and spots a shovel". It just seemed like out of no where that a shovel appears and somehow on the road with cars. Secondly there was little to no use of the items. I picked up two guns, a wallet, and a shovel and didn't use a a single one. The only use you have for the wallet is to throw it at the dog and then it kills you.
And speaking of dying. Apparently EvAngel (the writer) wanted to remind me of how stupid I was for dying in this game. The writer kept insulting me throughout the game for not choosing the choices that he wanted me too. Overall needs a lot of work and stop making the reader feel like shit.

Its short (accepting its a part one still means its short/demo). Some interesting details but too many choices are simply 'do this or intant death' and the random insults for what are not always bad choices are annoying. Insults in a joking way for REALLY dumb choices are fine dependant on the game type but insulting smart choices simply because they didnt make the choice you wanted alienates readers very quickly.

That was strange. I just picked up a gun, but I didn't get to use it. Anyways, insulting the reader for making a wrong decision is never a good idea, unless the game is random and the insults are funny. Other than that, not an awful lot got done in the game. I know it's only part one but didn't really feel like anything happened except the player discovered that zombies exist.

Alrighty. Well done for a first game, but it's a little hypocritical to tell people to be gentle with you because it's your first, and then call them stupid whenever they make a wrong choice. Especially considering the choice does not always directly correlate to what happens. Watch your grammar, it was better than most but the flow of your sentences doesn't feel quite right. You say beach like fifteen times in the first paragraph :P

It was decent and you obviously put some time into it, so that's a positive. Make sure you don't ever create links like: "Run around until her head explodes". What's the point in creating a choice like that? Finally, I suggest reading: Mommy Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight as well as Ground Zero, to see how it's done.

'Restart, stupid.'

Having this story unpublished is not enough, in a just world the author would be punished with some kind of terrible medical condition.

Easily one of the most enraging stories I've ever clicked through.

What can I say that hasn't already been said? Good job for a first game! It's farther than I've gotten. Now down to the details. As nearly everyone else has pointed out, insulting the reader for making a wrong choice seems out of place in this game. There are games that can get away with it because they are tongue in cheek. This doesn't seem like one of those and actually serves to detract us from taking it seriously. That being said, even in games that are tongue in cheek, they avoid insulting the reader for every poor choice otherwise the joke gets stale.

There isn't enough description to the scenery to make it immersive at all. There is some, but not enough. Part of what makes a game like this is the scenery. Are you in the middle of a panicking civilization about to break down? Or are you the last person listening to that announcement and are traversing a relatively desolate city? Are there just a few zombies or is the city infested?

The structure of the story seems a little jumpy because there don't seem to be many transitions between your descriptions. In the first paragraph we established that we were on a beach, the beach had few people, the character has a car and was looking to surf (or had already surfed). That's all in the span of three sentences, which makes it feel a little choppy.

This may be more a personal gripe than anything, but I'm not a fan of the 3rd person writing style used here. It wasn't until the second page that I realized the Lauren that the whole first page was talking about was actually the main character.

The pacing of this game is rather strange because if you look at it from start to finish, not a lot is accomplished. The character listens to a message, gets in their car and avoids an accident, finds a dying man and somehow charms his dog, and then is attacked by a zombie. I understand there is another part to this game but still why give us items we won't use? How will you know if the reader has them for part 2?

This is nitpicking, but not really sure an EMP blast would cause the kind of damage to people as is does to electronics.

This story actually has some solid potential. With a little bit of extra polish it could be a great storygame. I look forward to the next installment.

Cool

This was a very decent storygame. But it was not perfect(what is honestly?).On the first page you sound very redundant by saying beach several times. I suggest you replace these with synonyms like shore, seaside etc. I did not catch any grammar or spelling errors.
The flow of the story was very odd and seemed rushed at times. I suggest you expand on the story a bit more and about the main character and describe events with more detail.
Don't give up and do your best!

Not many options, quite short, but the writing itself was ok. Btw, when I say not many options, I mean most are a dead end so you end up having to pick one anyway.

I really liked it but it could use a bit more padding out, also add pictures to the items and a few more choices rather than the right path or death.