A Day in the Life of a Flocktown Student

T.H.I.N.K about this review.(My own little pun)

Now first things first, the wording. Wording is very important for not just stories, but for anything that has to do with writing, if you can understand how important wording is, you can avoid those mistakes or other things your readers notice.

It isn’t exactly editing, but if this was edited, it wouldn’t appear as it did. “As you approach your school, Flocktown, you see the American Flag proudly flapping in the wind. You enter the doorway and hear the chatter of students walking briskly throughout the hallways to their classrooms.”

It just felt forced, like you tried to fit a lot of description in there, subtlety is a necessity to make your reader feel like he is in that world, something more like this would’ve have been a bit more subtle and therefore, better.

“You make your way up to Flocktown State School, noticing the American flag just at the school entrance, skimming proudly through the wind. Upon entering the doorway the sound of both chatting and brisk walking fill the hallway as the students of all shapes and sizes rush to there classrooms.”

Well description helps as well, visualisation helps a lot, like choosing to watch a story or tv or hear it on the radio. Think of the TV as good description, you want to watch it more since you get that visualisation along with the story. The radio is bad description, you don’t want it as much, because, while it tells the story, the visualisation just isn’t there.

Now to the reason for the story, to make people T.H.I.N.K. I’m not gonna go through the whole meaning of think. But just ‘think’ of it as a way for adults to teach there children not to be ***holes.

It isn’t really a concept for a story, and well this place is meant for stories. Even educational games here have a fun name, Edutainment!
But then again, we get a lot of people here using this site just for an assignment or such.(Kinda surprising we don’t have a Assignment opition)

It would be best if you added some storyline to it, all I got was a kid who just happened to get through every possible situation from not saying sorry to bumping his backpack and bumping someone, to willing to cross the street for some money and almost getting run over.

If we got a name, his interests, his social life. It would seem much more realistic, and realism is the best way to teach someone, instead of telling, showing. Instead of listening, doing. Instead of writing a storygame with no storyline, writing a storygame with a story line.

There was something I laughed at, but it was most likely unintentional. So if you do something bad or good, you may see a discussion pause, and just the bluntness of this was humourous. Basically asking you questions and then answering it for you.

Was it truthful, no, was it helpful, no. Was it inspiring, no. Was it necessary, no, was it kind, no...

Time for lunchtime!

Anyways back to the important bits, it isn’t really nice when there’s only one ending. I tried doing 2 things, being as good as I could and then being as bad as I could. No matter how much of a **** I was To everything and everyone I still got the ticket to go to Six Flags Great Adventure.

It’s not worth it reading a story if there’s only one ending to it. Basically there’s no real reason for reading the story since there’s only one way things can go.

But then again this is your first story(Well your only story). But no matter how many mistakes you make here, you can still improve your writing to new heights.(This isn’t the end)

Im also disappointed at just how you wrote this piece.
You say "oops, my bad. I'm sorry."
Firstly, where’s the CAPITAL, this is a very big mistake and very embarrassing. No matter how many stories i’ve seen as short as this have there been a mistake as bad as this.

While doing everything by the book and being boring isn’t exactly the best, it is for writing, since these unspoken laws have been around for thousands of years. From expert writers better than the best you have seen.

‘You say’ is at the start, while it normally goes at the end you’ve put it at the front. So it just looks weird. Since most people are used to it being last, unless you make it look very elaborate.

You also made a very rookie mistake, enlarging text size. Now that isn’t bad, it’s just bigger right?
Wrong, the main reason text size is enlarged is so it can seem like a bigger page, and your pages were extremely short. Yes I’m accusing you.

Like if I wrote a review in big text, but it was short. Makes me look both like and idiot and a straight out Noob. Then apply that to every page in this ‘story.’
Not exactly the best huh?

But since this is your first and only story, this can be excused. Redemption is only if you
A.Dont enlarge the text on small pages
B.Remember CAPITAL LETTERS
C.Dont make it cheesy
D.Make it a bit more realistic
E.Add more description
F.Obey most unspoken writing laws
G.More endings than just 1
H.More character info
I.Make it more interesting
J.Dont force the description
K(Opitional). Some stabs at humour

Every good story on this site has stabs at humour, whether there good in there own right, or so ridiculous you laugh, or even the bad puns that are so good. Humour interest your reader and interest turns into imagining and imagining turns into visualisation!

Not to mention seeming like the funny guy.

After all the truth I’ve pushed down on you, you at least deserve a good rating.

5/8

Moral of the story: Don’t go onto a road for a brown piece of paper
(If you’ve read enough of the story, you’ll get it)

Well the beginning was nice, and you wisely used key literary devices that improve the readers interest. A bit more detail would have been nice though. For example, the whole breakfast situation on the first page. What is the character's favorite food, and what was given to them instead? Things like this are small but add up to make a fulfilling story.

The choices seem a little random, and have little effect on the story whatsoever. If these choices (like eating) changed things later on, that would be more engaging for the reader.

You're writing ability is slightly above the norm and is shown, so just work on certain aspects that can improve it and make it much stronger overall. The writing was grammatically sound from what I could see, and I'm just going to add this as a little side note: messing with fonts slightly annoys some members. Best to just leave it alone.

Not bad :)

This is pretty well-written with a decent and relatable message being told in this storygame. I felt that the premise was rather simple, but in a good way. While this felt quite linear in terms of meaningful branching, it didn't hinder my enjoyment too much.

The only fault here is that there are slight issues with grammar here and there, but nothing too bad that ruined the actual narrative for me. The situations that were presented were realistic enough and the "right" choices to be made are simple and easy enough to choose.

All in all, I think this is a story that does an adequate enough job as a learning tool of sorts. This had a rather decent message behind it and it tells it well.

Very funny

There was like no branching. The constant pausing think thing was really annoying. This a game that a teacher would make to show 1st graders. Though it does do that well. 3/8

It's not bad but it packs intrigue. Nothing really exciting or anything that makes you want to play. Not too bad though

good game.

It wasn't the best storygame, but decent for a beginner stroygame. Here are some things to work on:

-It didn't seem realistic. The bully won't walk away, he/she would either fight back or insult you highly or poorly.

-Don't size the text. Make sure to make it normal sized so it will be easier to read for new members.

-The description wasn't great. Needs some more work.

That's all! Other than that, you did a great job for your first storygame.

This. Was. The. Most. Sappy. Story. Ever. Do any kids actually DO any of the things in this? This is NOT how the world works. Sorry, teach.

That was certainly not the worst thing I've read on this site. I get what you were going for here, and while it is very cheesy I can respect that. Your writing style is very lighthearted, almost to the point of complete innocence at least from what I saw. There are a few issues I have with wording, capitalization, and other grammatical things. The dialogue and overall sequence of events is a little far-fetched, so I think it would do you well to work on making your characters and dialogue a little lot more realistic.