Dugeon master

Intro: I must say I do not like this story. My first two complaints happen before I even start the game!

The obvious one is the fact that you said this is a three part story. I have never seen this end well. There have been good stories that are a part of a series, though those are self contained. There is no, "What will happen in part two!?" This is a storygame, no a TV show. You can't make a cliffhanger and expect people to be happy.

My second complaint comes from the description. You claim it to be hard, and even give it the hardest difficulty, though the only explanation for this is the fact that is says, "For instance if you were to choose the wrong path the next two choices could lead to DEATH." Well I mean no shit. That's called branching you dumbfuck. As for branching your story should try it, but more on that later. Now let me actually start reviewing it.

Concept: The concept was meh at best. While it was not the worst ever it was very basic. So your were a warlord, until you hear of another army and join them. That is super basic. Also the whole dungeon master character was a decent concept that could have been utilized very well. Instead we got a character that is overpowered in the most wrong ways. Though more on him later

Plot: So the story starts off with you picking your weapon. I have mixed feelings about this. While it is good to give your players the illusion of choice, it is done poorly here. If you want to make the illusion of choice, then it is good to make them go down a bottlenecking path instead of mentioning it in the next page and never touching it again.

Next your wizard leaves and you can go to the bar and get drunk or train. Now it is always better to train instead of getting wasted so it makes since that that is the right choice. Though it is not okay for you to go the pub and straight up die. While this is forgivable the fact that these will add up is not.

After that you get attacked by warriors and have a choice to sleep or go to the bar. Well after last time a reasonable person would go to bed. So when you do that you can go train or eat. So you try to train and you die. After that you go eat and also die. Turns out you need to go to the bar UNDERMINING EVERYTHING THE GAME HAS TAUGHT YOU.

After that you go to the bar and see a strange man. Of course it is the dungeon master. Who else do you think it could be. So you should play it safe… but oh wait! That kills you! So you go talk to him because you should totally talk to strange men who enters bars. So he tells you he is a dungeon master. Now you can run away, or continue talking to him.

Now all common sense says that you should run from a man that can kill you. Though if you do that you die so you better keep talking and hope he does not erase you.

After you talk to him, no surprise, he enslaves you! Who could have seen that coming! Now what happens next? Oh I don't know because you FIND OUT IN PART TWO!

Character, They are horrible. No development whatsoever. The dungeon master is overpowered in all the wrong ways

Structure: I wonder… what word am I looking for. Oh wait I know, LINER.

Word count: 2.6k words. You see if you would have tripled this you could have made a story with a decent word count and fix the whole three parter issue.

Spelling and grammar. I did not find many problems, though it did not look. Was not horrendously awful.

Conclusion: It was very bad. I don't exactly want to give it a two but since there is no 2.5 that's what I giving it. However if you do make a part two then take this advice into consideration.

It was both better and worse than I was expecting. I'm not a fan of stories being released in parts. Write your full story and release it all as one game. You really need to work on your dialogue and basic grammar format.

#1 Correct: "Kill the bat," said Joker.
#2 Correct: Harley's lips curled into a smirk, as she aimed the mini-gun. "You got it, Mr. J."

#3 Incorrect: "Kill the bat." Said Joker.

You were doing the latter in just about every occurrence of dialogue. The final word that is within quotes will end with either a comma, question mark or exclamation point. If you are attributing speech with a dialogue tag, such as in #1, the tag (said) is lowercase. The dialogue tag is not its own sentence.

#2 showcases how you can attribute dialogue to a speaker without a dialogue tag. In this case, we show who the speaker is by having them do some kind of action in the same paragraph as their dialogue. This is a complete sentence, and it needs to be capitalized.

In general, dialogue tags distract the reader from the story, so 'said' and 'asked' are typically the only tags you should use 90% of the time since they are the most neutral and fly under the radar better than 'shouted,' 'cried,' 'cooed,' etc. Modifying a dialogue tag with an adverb such as - Harley screamed happily - is pretty much universally considered a terrible idea on top of an already poor idea.

I hope this helps.

Sigh one ending

not fun

interesting




Spoiler*
i died cause i was drunk
i died cause i was eaten
i died cause i was in a building

Very choppy between actions and dialogue, grammar and punctuation (and the lack thereof) are distracting.

"He picks up a sword. "Quiet or I'll slit your throat!" The man said. He takes you in to a coach. You start moving. Out of fear you scream and try to escape the chair but you can't. You suddenly arrive not knowing where you are you just sit there hopelessly.


Will you live will you die? Find out in part 2!"

Where is this part 2???

Pretty lame actually just a loop of the same crap

Y CAN"T I GET OUT

wow i think that was amazing although it could have been much longer, then i would have loved it but whatever.