Player Comments on Ignis and Aero

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

From the description, the reader can get a sense of the protagonist, his personality and goal, and the setting. Not only does it set up the central conflict—fighting a golem—but also the secondary conflict that may arise in the form of another character. Maybe it's just because I've been working on a post for an old character dynamics thread recently, but I can tell there would be some fun character dynamics between Aero and Ignis, especially with their opposing goals.

The story begins with immersing the reader into the setting. I’m being nitpicky, but the first sentence is slightly redundant as the second one says the same thing. Still, I like how the description is tied to the protagonist’s character, as the sun’s heat and glare, and the breeze, tells us more about his bookish personality.

The last sentence of the first paragraph does not have a full stop. I'm blaming mrcrimsonclean though, since it seems he was supposed to be your proofreader.

This storygame uses deep pov, where information about worldbuilding is integrated and relevant to the protagonist. After all, the best way to add this in without infodumping is to have the protagonist present their own thoughts on the matter. His brother practices fire, but the protagonist is more skilled in different elements and doesn't like the idea of just focusing on one. It shows the key differences in their ways of thinking from the get go. And it’s nice that his brother is helping with the ambience by practicing his combat; it reminds me of my own siblings, as sometimes when I read storygames, I unknowingly start to imagine my sister’s piano playing as the suspenseful background music of a final confrontation.

Speaking of the siblings, I wonder if there is some symbolism behind the type of magic they first wield. For instance, fire is known to represent impulsivity, whereas water is much more reflective, with the adage of ‘still waters run deep’. It’s a cool detail.
There’s a bit of infodumping about the festival but it’s fine, as it's easy to read, provides context and moves the plot forward. The sibling dynamics are realistic. You don’t want your brother to get an ego, so you tease them, while secretly admiring their strengths. It’s a good start to the story overall, with lots of interesting worldbuilding details and a strong sense of characters.

WRITING STYLE

The story is descriptive at times, such as when introducing the father. At first, I wondered where it was going, but then it got to the part about his competence in combat which emphasized how surprising it was that he came home empty-handed. This sets the stage for the conflict that would occur.

Before I start piling on compliments, let’s get the negatives out of the way. There’s a lack of punctuation during dialogue in the third paragraph of page 2. And in the next paragraph, dialogue should be put in a new paragraph every time a different person speaks. There’s also a full stop where a comma should be, but it's only there once so it's likely an editing oversight rather than lack of knowledge about dialogue formatting. Your proofreader seems to be slacking.

I like how fantasy terms are thrown around but with enough context that readers get what it means, while avoiding over describing. Phrases like the ‘pre-enlightenment era’ shows the unique cultures of the world. The only slight issue is that readers are told this information and not shown. This gets better later in the story, but even with the description of the dad, it reads like informing the reader about him rather than allowing them to form their own writer-guided opinions based on their actions, dialogue and appearance. This reminds me of writing advice I once read: if you write that a character likes blue, then add that they put on a green jacket, take their green bag from the table and put their green bottle in it, what would the reader be more likely to believe? That the protagonist likes blue or green? This is why it’s better to show details. You may add things like how the father barely reaches the top of the door, or maybe he nearly falls, catches himself, and mentions his height.

Conversation is used to reveal information, which is a good method as it’s paced well and there’s the assumption that the protagonist knows nothing about that situation, similar to the reader. The story creates immersion—the forest is pitch black so the protagonist’s description ties to his action of lighting a flame. I particularly like how the long, descriptive passages shifted to short, simple ones to build suspense. The incomplete clauses, getting shorter, add to the protagonist’s sense of worry as he senses his brother’s mana. This speeds up pacing.

“You fall to the ground, knowing that the Golem is sure to crush you with a follow up attack, an attack that you can’t even dodge because you don’t have access to your mana to be able to maneuver effectively.” — Good use of a cumulative sentence, each clause building more suspense, seeming to solidify the protagonist’s fate. Then a simple sentence: “Except the follow up never comes”. Its impact is solidified given its separation from the rest of the information.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

The problem arises early in the story: the golem, whose existence intervenes with the ordinary act of hunting. Aero’s brother has a desire to prove himself, initially through the fight, then as a torch bearer, and now by fighting the golem. Both brothers fight and their father tries to be the mediator. They’re an interesting set of twins: one who reacts without thinking, and the other who often thinks without reacting.

On the choice to stay silent, there’s hints of a theme about how some details look good from afar but bad up close. I liked the conversation between Aero and his father about the difference between not lying and not telling the full truth either. It’s always a slightly sad theme with children where they lose their innocence and hope, as they come to realize the glorified version of a dream isn't what they thought it would be.

If the protagonist has tried to talk his brother out of fighting a golem (sorry for the lack of chronology in this review), his next choice captures his internal conflict well. He feels guilt at having possibly made his brother venture out in a dangerous situation to prove him wrong. And it’s a choice between two different types of guilt: that of possibly endangering his brother’s safety or of getting him into more trouble. His concern for his brother is strong, as he disobeys his father and rushes out to find him. “No matter how scared you are of the Golem, you are more scared of losing your brother.” His brother’s life being in peril forces him to face his fears.

Branching is great in this story. It draws out the fight scene, which makes sense as it's the central conflict of the story. Each choice is the reader’s to make. And from that choice, more options are presented, as ways of reacting to the consequences of the previous choice, for better or for worse. Splitting up this scene into many choices (each with their own scene goals) is a good tactic—the fight never gets boring since the protagonist makes progress, whether that is drawing the monster away from his brother then being able to avoid it too, or finding out its weakness and exploiting it. There are new scene goals in each mini-scene which ties to his overarching goal of stopping the golem and saving his brother.

I like the brothers' dynamics. They fight and argue but ultimately listen to each other. And I absolutely loved the part where Ignis reasons were revealed! I was sitting in a coffee shop as I read this, and gasped, nearly spilling it over my pastry haha. His motivations weren’t borne out of plain recklessness or impulsiveness as Aero—and the reader—initially believed. It was all for his brother and him to achieve their dreams of being knights. The use of an unreliable narrator influenced our views of Ignis. But it makes sense: their dad, being worried about their safety, unintentionally dismissed their goals. Yet, Ignis did the opposite: as his brother read a book about knights at the start of the story, he practiced fighting, believing that one day they would both achieve their dream. And for the first time, Aero starts to believe in this dream. He sees the golem as more than a monster—it could be an opportunity of a lifetime, if only he chooses to seize it.

If he chooses to give up, his brother listens to him and leaves. I wonder if him dosing his brother’s fire with water is a symbol of him putting out his passion for being a knight? The brotherly teasing is fun to read about. And the Wise ending involves such a touching moment between them. Ignis comes to realize that the core of being a knight is not fighting monsters, but about saving people. I like how he started the story with annoyance at his brother but it ended with them being closer than ever.

It’s sweet how they work together, saving each other's life to defeat the golem. Their teamwork meant they were able to take down the main antagonist. Haha, Ignis even references the title in dialogue when they win. A slight nitpick is that there were a number of one link pages in a row, but I barely noticed the first time since I was quite invested in the story. In the happiest ending, they remain close to each other as they become knights and still continue to bicker, which is a nice touch. But one thing changed: they achieved their goals, which they couldn't do without each other.

In another path, trying to defeat the golem alone leads to Aero's death. I enjoyed that the story doesn't end there, but it continues to characterize Ignis' perspective. By switches perspective to the father, which makes readers’ choices matter as Aero chose to involve him at the start, it provides more emotional impact as to how his death would affect the rest of the family unit. First, readers are grounded in this new perspective with details like the search party, involving the elder who provided information and felt guilty, and the fact they were looking for his sons. And when he sees Aero’s corpse, the story takes time to delve into the emotional aspect. At the same time, Ignis kept fighting, out of pure anger and rage and sadness, as if he could avenge his brother. The guilt nearly drives him to end his own life, but fortunately his dad is there to stop it. In a way, telling their parents about the situation did save his brother’s life. It’s quite a sad ending, especially with the buildup of family dynamics and getting to see the other pov.

Choosing not to tell the parents at the start changes the story where the protagonist dies. Great use of delayed consequences. It was heartbreaking when Ignis visited his brother's grave and told him about everything that has happened, and that he’s hiding from his old village because he doesn’t feel like he deserves to return. So, was Aero's decision to sacrifice himself really the right one?At first I wasn't sure what the information about cleaners—who scout and assess risk—was about, then I realized the connection to the protagonist. He finally sees the role his brother played in trying to protect him, though unfortunately it is much too late.

He meets his dad, and I know it’s a serious scene, but I laughed at this: “Great! Now, he thinks you’re some sort of weirdo who likes looking at gravestones”.

Onto the other main path. Not arguing with his brother means he asks for Aero’s help. There’s another hilarious instance of humor, where Aero isn’t paying attention and Ignis tells him they’ll kill their parents, to which he replies, “Sure, I’ll help you tomorrow”. And blackmailing his brother with a crush is such a sibling thing. It reminds me of a conversation with my brother about how siblings know what would completely destroy each other, yet because of the same closeness that grants this knowledge, they would never use it against each other. It’s a realistic depiction of sibling relationships. This story is also making me miss my siblings now.

It's interesting that although Aero agrees to help, he knows he has more knowledge in this area. Hence, he thinks about tricking his brother. His brother seems to just agree, buying into the technical jargon, yet he’s not entirely gullible: he has his own cunning and crafty tricks, luring the golem towards himself with his manna. This time, if they retreat, their good relationship is ruined as his brother realizes he lied to him. They fight, though at least they can work together enough to lie to their father and hide the fact they left the house. But it's still sad, as Aero just wanted to protect his brother though he didn't see it that way. Something I liked was how this is put into perspective by the other path: here, Aero acted like their father, dismissing his dreams instead of helping him achieve them.

On the other path where they actually strategize to take down the golem, Ignis asks lots of questions, which gives Aero ideas he wouldn’t normally think of. It's a nice touch that he takes an idea from his book, especially since he wanted to live out those tales and play the roles of the main characters. And he realizes he doesn't know his brother as well as he thought: he wasn't sulking, as he expected, but gathering information. Guess life has an unpredictable plot too. Together, they manage to trap the monster. It’s a bittersweet ending as they survive, but Aero suffers from overexertion. This was foreshadowed by the dad’s warning about knights in storybooks not being the most accurate depiction!

It's written that way, of course, but the Knight ending is still my favorite given how they work together and achieve their dreams. Yet I also really like the Wise because it shows how being brave and chivalrous isn't just about defeating enemies, but also putting yourself in danger to save others when you’re afraid.

Overall, this is a great story, and to any readers glancing at this before reading it. I really recommend reading every path and finding each ending. The story makes good use of delayed consequences as well as a cave of time branching. Congrats to Clayfinger for putting the other competitors to shame with your overwhelmingly early entry! I look forward to seeing your more ambitious entry in a month’s time.

I didn't reach all of the endings in this story, but I did reach a good portion of them.I enjoyed the relationship between Aero and Ignis, even when there's the option for Aero to tell his brother that his decision to go after the golem isn't a smart one. I like seeing stories where there are good brotherly relationships, and I really liked how Aero's caution tempered Ignis' recklessness.

I also liked how the magic was shown in this. The idea of the golem and its magic core was particularly interesting, and I especially liked how the only true way for the golem to be defeated was by the twins working together. Reading Aero dying the first time, when it switched to their father's perspective, was really shocking...but it worked really well.

I will say that the changes in perspective were quite jarring, and I would have preferred it if the story had just stuck to Aero's perspective. It wasn't so bad to switch over to their father's, or to Ignis' perspective when he visits Aero's grave...but the random switch to Helen during the first ending was extremely jarring, especially as I didn't know much about her at all.

I will also say that some of the formatting of this could have been edited. For instance, there are multiple paragraphs where there's more than one character speaking, and it generally reads better (and is less confusing) to start a new paragraph when a different character is speaking, or performing an action. Also, in the ending where Ignis is visiting Aero's grave and his people believe Ignis perished along with Aero...there was no grave or marking for Ignis? That made me really sad to read.

Despite those issues, I did really enjoy reading this. It definitely put me in mind of the old CYOA books that I used to read as a child, and I enjoyed this as an introduction to the world and the characters. It feels almost like a prologue or a prequel, so I kind of hope you expand a bit more on this world and these characters.

Thank you so much for writing and sharing this!

The story was riveting and fast. Enjoyed it

I got all the endings and had a good time doing it. The worldbuilding was weaved well into the story and each route gave the reader a better look into the world. I got the mourners ending first which was so sad! It made the ending where they actually succeeded feel so much better. My favorite ending was the cleaner ending, which broke my heart. The relationship between Ignis and Aero felt realistic to real siblings, even reminded me of my own siblings, too.

Overall: A good story, highly recommended.

Characters: Only two real characters, but they are perfect foils of each other. It makes an interesting dynamic and an entertaining read. 6/8

SPAG: There are a few errors. Nobody’s perfect. 5/8

Branching: Sometimes there can be several pages without any choices. It feels like you meant to have more branching but cut it short because of… I don’t know. There was plenty of time left in the contest; in my opinion, you should’ve continued to expand this. 4/8

Plot: Two brothers have a very different approach to life, and need to use each other’s different skills and character traits to survive. It’s sweet, if short. 6/8

Total: 5.25 (5/8)

**other comments**
>A well-built, brown-haired man who exuded an aura of confidence and trustworthiness (you momentarily wonder if all children see that aura in their parents)
Nope. No they do not, thanks for asking

I would really like to see this story expanded.

SPOILERS



There aren't many storygames where you get to see your own death from the eyes of another character, so that was an interesting branch. I had actually finished with the Knight ending, but I was curious to see what happened if I wasn't greedy, and I was not disappointed. I think the Mourner ending is a lot more interesting.

So, what I like: this is a good story. The characters are clear and defined given how short the story is, and while the results your choices make aren't necessarily something you can guess before you make the choice, they are logically explained after the fact. For example: I would have thought destroying the core was the more rational thing to do, and I wouldn't have expected the golem to have already begun an attack the main character simply didn't see. But I can't feel cheated because the main character is a teenager still in training and is under extreme stress trying to save his brother. While it's not something that would make sense prior to making the choice, it is well reasoned after the fact, and the result in the end makes perfect sense.

I hope that's comprehensible.


What I didn't like: Really only one thing. It's really short. That's great if you're just trying to push out reviews. But the story had some promise, and I'd have been interested to see a more expansive conflict and adventure.


Overall, nice work.

So, a world where magic sometimes resembles technology. I played three endings and found I didn't have to die every time after all! The variety of storylines was satisfying, along with the epilogues. It was well written and desribed well enough that I could picture the action scenes. Good job!

Great plot, has the potential for a full blown featured fantasy story and all that, so 5/8.

However, it does feel a bit... rushed. I know it may be because it's a contest entry, but I would definitely read a longer version.

'The Knight' and 'The Magician' feel like it could be continued to wars and all that, eventually leading to one main ending.

'The Skeptic' feels like it could lead to a war again, but with Ignis against him.

For 'The Mourner', I feel that the father's grief wasn't highlighted enough, he DID just lose a son after all.

'The Wise' and 'The Cleaner' can be left as they are, as smaller sub-endings.

Would love an extended version :)

From the first page, the main characters are very clearly presented. Ignis being more reckless compliments Aero's more thoughtful actions throughout the story. I thought that the infodump about the golem could have been a bit more subtle, but that's more of a nitpick.<br>The branching was good, and I think enough choices were presented while keeping the story streamlined for a shorter experience. I enjoyed seeing the subtle changes in ending based on the choices I made, even when the route seemed to be the same as another. I'd love to learn more about the world building, and the system the elemental magic relies on.<br>Great work and congrats on the early contest submission!

Nice game, got all the endings!

Not bad at all, certainly has a great premise