Insane Asylum

Okay, it looks like its time for me to leave some constructive criticism.

The story in itself wasn't so bad. Honestly, there were only a couple of "bad" things about this storygame.

First of all, I would like to talk about the descriptivity you used in the writing. It wasn't the best. I felt that you could've written a lot more about something or other. A paragraph or two added to these pages will really help it. Here is a list of possible things you could've added onto:

-The room you initially start in: You didn't say much except that it smells like vomit, there's a dude with a stiched up face in the corner, and... that's it. Heck, it doesn't even say what we wake up on.
-The "thing" with the stitched mouth: Who is he? How does he look like? Does he have hair? Is he gray and withering away, elderly? Or what?
-The man with the knives: Same stuff from the top, except that it needs twice as more descriptivity, since its not just his face.
-The hallway: Give more of a feel of setting, so that the reader can visualize where they are, what they're seeing, etc.
-The monster: I'm not even sure if it had eyes. This "monster" could've been a squid of all I know.

This ties in the with the next thing, which is realism/logic. Okay, so, we know we are in a mental hospital. So what the heck is a man doing with stiches covering his mouth? And why does the main character have the key to the door in his/her pocket? What's a guy doing with knives, killing people of the hospital? As far as I know, a mental hospital (like its name) is a hospitalized place where caretakers make sure patients are safe... and... well, cared for. So half the characters here don't make sense.

There were a lot of plotholes in this story which you shuold really work on, man. By the ending, I was still confused. This could've been really been worked on more/added onto.

It seems to me that you were going more "cliche" than an actual, good, horror. What I mean by that is taking overused ideas from other media (movies, video games, etc) and trying to get them to work without much success.

Take, as an example, the setting, which we know to be a mental hospital. Half the characters (as I mentioned before) don't even really make sense, and therefore shouldn't belong in a mental hospital. The fact that insane asylums can be generally creepy is an aspect you are trying to apply here, but you're expending it way too hard (the "thing", monsters, scary stuff). Also, some plot of a mad scientist experimenting on people in an insane asylum is just too cliche.

So, what I think, is if you worked on this and gave it some more detail, it could really turn out to be a work of art. It just needs some extra time.

4/8 is my final rating. Hope you take into consideration everything I said. I'm going to play Part 2 now, hopefully I can give you a finalized rating and cut you some slack. Also, I hope I find some more answers than "oh, an evil scientist is running experiments on a very unsupervised insane asylum which just houses its patients with weapons, including knives, keeps monsters in, and sometimes stiches the patients' mouths shut!"

What? Most of the pages only had one choice? Expand on them, add new choices, even if they're fake choices, ie. ones that lead to the same place.

ALSO- Typos on the first page- proof read please

OMG SOOOO GOOD BRO YOU ARE A MASTER

nice, i will read part 2 now

shite!!!!!!!

it was terrible

bad.

worse dan poop, I am 11 grade and I have dyslexic, and even I hate it so go lick a panda bare.

part 2?

wtf....