Kirby Time Allies: Teleportation Troubles

A fan fiction storygame by FourToTwentyCharacts

Player Rating?/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"

Based on 8 ratings so far

Story Difficulty5/8

"Run through the jungle"

Play Length5/8

"Not going to lose any sleep"

Maturity Level3/8

"Must be at least this tall to play"

Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 10. If this were a movie, it would probably be between G and PG.

Tags

Multiple Protagonists

Post-Apocalyptic

Formerly "Kirby Time Allies (Final Version)"

Things aren't looking good. Marx has obtained control over the entirety of Planet Popstar, twisting it into a sad shell. The only option is for everyone to move to the New World, which is really far away. So Kirby gets his friend Susie to build and transport them there with the Susie Teleporter 0, but it malfunctions and sends them to an alternate timeline where they have to risk their lives to retrieve it. Can they escape this nightmare and work out a few more kinks? And what surprises wait at the end?

All characters except Patrya and the Halcandra Police Officer are owned by HAL/Nintendo. Any names of site members in Kirby Time Allies are coincidences.

Player Comments

It's passable though I'm afraid that I'm not that much of the target audience as I'm frankly very confused about the plot. (Surprise, surprise it's a Kirby fanfic) So I'll only comment on the prose for now and let others do the other stuff.

I think the biggest problem this story has is the white void syndrome.
As a reader, I actually have no idea where Kirby and this other character are standing. They could be talking in a white void and nothing would contradict that otherwise. So don't be afraid to add a little bit more environmental descriptions every once in a while.

The dialogue too is a little stiff. It's also remarkably difficult to parse out who is speaking what. Nothing wrong to sometimes add "Kirby says"! Plus, I think it would also help if you have distinct voices for the characters. One person might speak a bit more formally with longer sentences while the other will swallow words and value brevity.

I do like that you split the text up in manageable paragraphs. You would be surprised to see that many people will just post an entire textwall without paragraph breaks. So good job!

The length of it is also rather remarkable seeing that it's your first storygame (I'm not really sure bout that fact since you renamed it). It looks like you put quite some effort in it, which is very much worthy of praise.

Focus for your next story on readability and the quality of your prose and keep it up!

— Darius_Conwright on 7/15/2023 9:34:02 AM with a score of 0

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