One single outcome?
, #94 for
played 323 times (finished 42)
"walk in the park"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
Is there only one single outcome?
Don't be discouraged by the low ratings. Most people won't give a demo anything over 3/4, no matter how good it is.
I'm an absolute mark for ontological mystery, so for me, the idea of repeating time to figure out why someone wants you dead is pretty compelling. (ever play the zero escape games?) Agree with Briar though on the fact that this particular story fragment doesn't really have a plot or characterization of any kind. If this is just the first 3 paragraphs of a complex story labyrinth, it's great. By itself, it's a bit lacking.
As for the constructive criticism: it reads like a first draft. You've got a nice vocabulary, and a sense of style, but the overall work needs polish.
on 1/20/2016 12:19:21 PM with a score of 0
The concept is an interesting one, so I do hope you'll turn it into a full length story some day. I'm not sure if I've read anything similar. That said, this was littered with punctuation errors from the first sentence on, and there were some grammatical issues and problems with capitalization too. Even in the sentence at the end where you tell us you proofread it: Also i did check the spelling and grammar but i apologize for any errors i missed and also any constructive criticism on my writing style would be appreciated!
Well I'm sorry but I had to smile a little. :P
The other thing that's going to hurt your rating of course, is this being a demo. Others have mentioned the forums as being the better place to get constructive criticism and feedback, and so I'll only link this recent article: http://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=4046
Complete works will always do far better than demos and samples. Keep in mind too that many of the readers here are just looking to read something good, it's not their responsibility to sit down and write a detailed critique and they'll likely just complain about a short or broken story. Feedback from other writers again, can be sought in the Writer's Workshop section of the forum. You went there to advertise this, but ideally you would have gone there for advice before publishing in the first place.
on 1/18/2016 7:03:55 PM with a score of 0
I do like the concept but perhaps not the setting. The idea of having a story where you can go back in time and change events is a very interesting one and I say go for it, but the premise of "You are a random person and somebody is trying to kill you for no apparent reason" I found pretty boring. There's not even a sense of mystery or trying to figure out why the person is trying to kill you. So yeah, give the character a personality and a history first and then play around with the idea of going back in time to change your fate.
on 1/18/2016 6:21:16 PM with a score of 0
I loved the concept for this story. It was really interesting to have a repeating story line while having different choices. Like you said, I wish it would have been a bit longer, it would be great to see this story expanded.
on 1/15/2020 12:44:36 PM with a score of 0
I have no idea what that was.
on 7/14/2019 1:37:17 PM with a score of 0
This wasn't even finished. Only a couple of pages, and I was extremely disappointed. It still has potential if you finish it.
on 12/19/2017 8:19:52 PM with a score of 0
it was too short and you didnt get any choices only restart and end game
on 11/2/2017 2:57:44 PM with a score of 0
Extremely good concept and interesting story for something so short. Good luck on making this the real thing :D
on 6/18/2017 2:50:48 PM with a score of 0
I really liked this, the subtle differences with the restarts were interesting.
on 8/5/2016 12:14:43 AM with a score of 0
It's an interesting story, and the time loop thing adds some interesting stuff. But you did make quite a few grammar mistakes. You have to add a space at the start of sentences, and there are a few others. Also, you need to give the player more choices in the story.
on 2/2/2016 4:38:39 PM with a score of 0
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