"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played 926 times (finished 26)
"trek through the forest"
"It'll be a while, better grab a Snickers®"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
This is my entry to the Year's End Contest. My prompt consists of
Create a fantasy or science fiction world from scratch. The story must include a map of the relevant locality.
In a world in which everyone has powers that the rest of the Galaxy considers sacred, heroes fight every year to death to become God and create their own planets ... But that's not your case, you stand a humble space janitor cleaning up the arena day after day. Until something changes your life forever. Would you go partying to space cruisers, bet on fighting pits or battle for your life against a psychotic clown? Will you create your own planet and become a god? or would you continue with your boring life? Thanks to my proofreaders and Shadowdrake The choice asks about Loom, same as The name Scumm bar are easter eggs, inspired by the Game Monkey Island.
There was obviously quite a bit of creativity that went into the descriptions here. I think you are very good at world-building and lore. I also loved some of the visuals in this, which I could tell were created specifically for this game. I do think it may have been helpful to center some of the pictures.
I did find that the plot moved a bit fast in the second part of the game. I expected that if the protagonist wanted to build their own planet, they would have to win the Murderbowl. I also wish more was explained about why the main character was initially designated a lower-class citizen. I think the descriptions of some of your characters sometimes focused a lot on their physical appearance, but I would've liked to hear more about their personality.
The grammar was, for the most part, understandable, considering English is not the author's first language. The writing itself was also very atmospheric. I think the author is very good at helping the reader to create mental pictures of the events they are describing.
on 1/24/2020 1:41:41 PM with a score of 0
I really like the core concept of this game. The humble janitor, treated like trash, rises in the ranks to become a planet builder. Not only is there a great concept going for it, but there are some vivid descriptions for various characters and settings that really set the scene and tone of the story.
I've played through a couple of times. The first time I really liked the first half but struggled to understand/like what was going on in the second part. The second time I thought the first section was good (not quite as exciting as the firs,t path I'd chosen) and liked the second half better as there was more explanation and more steps to making the world, even some maps and images to go with it.
The game is not without downsides, though:
The grammar is off, quite frequently, which makes it a bit hard to understand in places. Sometimes the wrong characters speak or do something, and sometimes something would seem to be missing to make a scene make sense, so I'd have to re-read several times to try and guess what had actually happened.
There were also several 'previous game' links and one directly labeled 'Part II.' The problem, for me anyway, with anything like this is that it destroys any immersion and takes me out of the moment. In one part, there were many dialogue options that all went back with a 'previous page' link until one chose the 'correct' option. This was rather frustrating.
I also found it a bit disappointed that some choices which seemed to promise intrigue and tough decisions to come were just sort of ignored afterwards as soon as part II started. What did it matter if I had to decide to spy or not, or if I was going to get caught doing something illegal, etc., if every path was going to abruptly end once Part II began? I know the deadline would have made it hard to expand the middle section, but it would have been nice to have a bit more there.
Also, while money in building the planet was a factor (at least in my second play-through) I was never exactly told how much money I had or forced to make a tough choice between two things I wanted.
But back to the overall impression - a solid sci-fi concept, some excellent description, and the definite beginnings (if not always middles/endings) of some interesting faction and ethical dilemma plots I would love to see developed more at a later date. The planet building section (at least in my second play-through) was detailed and fun, and I could imagine a sequel game using this structure to make money building planets.
on 1/6/2020 2:47:25 AM with a score of 0
This was a cool story.
It was a very imaginative and unique setting, as are some of the descriptors you used. I thought the weird fleshy fat lady was kinda funny, even though she was a total bitch lol
Another thing I liked was the poster telling Guybrush to work for the criminals. I remember you had made several and I was hoping the very unthinly veiled threat one was going to be in there but I didnt see it, liked it regardless.
I think one of my favorite parts (other then me being a character in it) was the.....WORLDBUILDING!
The carbon planet had a cool photo, and I enjoyed the desert wasteland planet path as well as the descriptions for the lava villain planet.
Seems Guybrush and his powers would be used by others no matter what choices he made, poor guy.
The Murderbowl thing was cool. I will have to reread it to try to find Sweeping Bob. I thought in general the whole thing about the character carrying around a severed hero head was cool.
Thought the caste system was pretty interesting, the Imperial society is quite unforgiving and is full of many snobs and users, but it seemed Guybrush made a genuine friend or two on the way.
Nice to see that even a lowly janitor can make something of themself though.
A couple cons, there were some grammar and spelling mistakes in several places throughout. But you've improved so much in the past few months and I'm proud of you, keep it up!
I like this story and the general universe in general Mara. Hope to see alot more stories from you. I also admire your ability to remain consistent in your choice of story for these contests.
on 1/6/2020 12:48:05 AM with a score of 0
The story itself is engaging. I think someone already noted it, but I like that the story itself builds a world but you have the option within the story to build a world as well.
I will say the structure of it did not give you much choice except to become a god. The different ways this fate played out made it interesting. The character was also interesting. The 'bottom of the barrel' character rising to godhood and gaining the interest of a bunch of political figures when he has no idea what to do with that is a good one and I'd be interested if the story was ever expanded out.
The story had some written weaknesses. There were parts where grammar and spelling struggled, but more importantly there were passages that were hard to read. Some areas seemed to have paragraphs that were plot relevant and missing such as the route where you go home then except the job proposal then some sort of secret organization seems to contact you (There was also a repeated paragraph in the same route).
Words were in wrong places, some sentences had to be read a few times, and all that jazz. But this was on a strict time limit and you were aiming for a big idea. With that taken under consideration the story was excellent and engaging.
I hope when the contest ends you go back and clear up some of the mechanical things and maybe add a bit more!
on 1/5/2020 4:19:40 PM with a score of 0
This is a lengthy tale, not told in the best English, but elaborately imagined nonetheless. Here are some descriptive gems that I couldn't help but admiring:
"Slimemold-Hippie Lambic, better known as Slimmiers, it is the pseudo beer consumed by undesirable citizens, which it is made from Slime slugs, a giant mutant slug which feeds on nuclear waste and trash; it's not real beer, but you've never tried a real one."
I like lambic beer, but I might never look at it the same way again.
"The whole building is immaculate and clean with perfume machines creating hundreds of aromas that shifts following the beat of hologram machines and synthetic music."
Not only does the music pulsate, but so does the nose-candy.
"The woman could be better described as a piece of rancid lard with legs with titanium legs to help her carry her extensive belly, while her flaccid breasts remind you of fallen deflated bags of water."
"There is no way, that you will allow her to control your body and use you as if you were a used condom."
In short, this is a trippy sci-fi story that not all will appreciate, but is worth the effort to read.
on 1/3/2020 6:41:02 PM with a score of 0
I read this a lot while proofreading, so I admittedly didn’t read it all now. This game is really funny, and is an interesting take on the prompt. The author not only creates a fantasy world, in which you are a lower class citizen that cleans up after death-battles, but they also build in a path where the character can create his own planet. It basically meets the prompt definition in two ways.
The ideas in this story are really entertaining and good. I like the authors use of Imagery and their style. They create a fun nonsense world that seems like it would fit into the palace of “Jabba the Hut” in Starwars. Things like the clown battle scenes made me laugh, and were very original. The very definition of a clown that is provided plays on the common feat of clowns, turning them into the monsters people seem to think they are. It is impressive.
Now, the obvious flaw in this game is its bad grammar and awkward sentence structure. I, admittedly, graded rather nicely if you look only at this factor. Since this is the authors second second language, and since they are improving a lot between stories, I think the entertaining concept and plot made up for the issues with the English.
The author should focus more time on making natural sounding English sentences. They also could do with looking up some common metaphors and expressions to use. In this story, some of those added to the funny take on a new world. I liked to imagine that they saying became distorted over time. I do want to point out that the author occasionally wrote a few brilliant descriptions that painted a perfect picture in my mind. For example, in the bar the main character said something like, “prostitution and gambling is common in the empire because it was legalized almost everywhere, but it still feels dirty like it is illegal.” I thought that summed up the atmosphere perfectly!
Keep writing, it is improving a lot! You do not need to worry about your creativity or storytelling too much, it is already above average. Improving your English and grammar would be the fastest way to vastly improve your stories! Your writing was understandable, but it was still a bit distracting.
on 1/3/2020 11:55:29 AM with a score of 0
This was a fun and unique game. I could tell a lot of work was put into this. The pictures were a nice touch, there were plenty of options to choose from, and the author did a good job building the atmosphere. I enjoyed the writing style and felt engaged throughout the story. If you are a sci-fi fan, I highly recommend giving this a play through.
on 1/3/2020 8:04:12 AM with a score of 0
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