"Too few ratings to be ranked"
Played 111 times (finished 20)
"March in the swamp"
"A well spent lunch break"
"Aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.
An entry for EndMaster's Myth and Religion prompt contest.
I underestimated this when I first read it. I have come back with a proper review.
First Impression: Damn Moses, why you gotta be so cold?
*Spoilers obviously. No proper review of mine doesn't have spoilers. I should really check my proper reviews to see if that is true. Either way, it's true now so deal with it.*
Plot and structure: This story is remarkably well made for something that was written in such a short time. I know that is pretty much copy and paste of what Petros said, but he's right. The plot here is nothing to scoff at. The structure that was laid here in a week could have been mistaken as a month of work. It is truly admirable.
The story as I see it is basically a biblical alternate history, which is an amazing take. It is certainly food for thought on how events would change in the bible if Moses and Miriam had been raised together by the pharaoh's wife. On the whole, the plot and theme are captivating.
I just realized how hard it will be to continue this proper review without looking like I copied off of petros and just added a few things. It is a testament really to how well they covered it. I do have a few things I would like to cover that they didn't.
I would first like to question where they found Moses being a kind leader here. I have gone through every combination looking for it, but he is a power-hungry jerk when you go with him and the last time you ever see him if you don't he is just sad. I do find the thought of Moses being arrogant and power-hungry very cool.
I love the little detail of the adoptive mother dying being made a fixed point no matter what path you take. Trust me I tried saving her. It never worked. Miriam never seems to have a truly happy ending, which is sort of depressing, since we can invest in the character so much. Her ideals and unanswered questions like petros said make this character very relatable. I would have liked to see her make peace with Moses and get to see her mother live. The fact that you can't have the ultimate happy ending makes it a whole deeper level of relatable.
Again going off of petros and the way god is perceived in this story. The large difference between endings being decided on whether you write any final words or not is quite shocking. Not writing final words leads Miriam against god because he cannot reasonably convince Miriam that he didn't break his word, which he does either way. When she does, god points the finger at her, making it seem like it was her fault and still manipulating her. This is an interesting take on the person who is supposed to be some great and loving being. It also puts into question whether you as the reader believe it was truly god speaking to her.
I agree with petros a lot on this comment, but I will do so again to agree that the way you kill the Pharoah doesn't really make much sense.
Grammar: I may have seen a few little things that aren't really a problem, but I was too invested to really notice any problems in this category.
overall I raise my rating from a 5 to a 6/8. I far underestimated this after my first quick readthrough. You wrote a great first-time story in about a week. The only thing that brought you lower was that you depressed me with so much deep thinking and realism, as well as the Pharoah death thing. The first one is only partly your fault though, so don't feel too bad.
on 11/4/2022 1:49:01 AM with a score of 0
First, I would like to tip my hat to TypewriterCat who produced this incredibly enjoyable story in a shockingly short time. It’s a take on the story of Moses from the point of view of his sister Miriam, who is given a radically different role than she is in the biblical account. Of course, the classic storybook scene of Miriam hiding in the reeds while the basket is examined by pharaoh’s daughter is still there, but from that point on, everything is delightfully askew. There really is no path that follows the story as traditionally presented in the Bible, and that is a good thing. Every part of this story is fresh and new.
The thing that stands out by far as your strength in writing is the fact that Miriam comes off as a earnest and believable character. Instead of superimposing my personality and dreams over Miriam, the way you presented her genuinely allowed me to step into his shoes.
The same goes for Moses in a way. Depending on which route you take, you can see Moses as a troubled and genuinely benevolent leader, or one who has been corrupted by power and would do anything to hold onto it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Moses presented in this way.
God himself is also presented as almost an antagonist in this story. In a few of the paths, Miriam, when confronted with unjust death poses the question of evil. Personally, I love a story with a big, unanswerable question and this one does just that.
The description in the story is also rich and imaginative. Whether it’s the splendor of Pharaoh, satan’s goat form, or a nice bit of gore, it’s presented beautifully.
The only issue I have with the entire game is when you throw a dagger at the back of Pharaoh’s knee when he’s facing yo, the knife slits his abdomen? I think that could have used clarification.
All in all, I think this is a great story for any one, and doubly so for a debut.
on 11/2/2022 4:44:04 PM with a score of 0
it was lovely. tragic but good writing
on 11/14/2022 2:12:43 PM with a score of 0
My mind is mush and can't come up with a good comment at the moment it seems. But this is a story with an interesting premise, and one that isn't afraid to make several twists with the premise that it has. Very enjoyable read at the end of the day.
on 11/11/2022 12:18:40 PM with a score of 0
Ooff Moses is quite the scumbag. Good story tho, quite enjoyed it.
on 11/4/2022 5:00:50 PM with a score of 0
Pretty neat. I will definitely go through more endings.
on 11/2/2022 8:19:41 AM with a score of 0
Yessir I killed the Pharaoh, take that!!
In all honesty, this was much better than I anticipated. If this is what you write in a week right after joining the site, I trust we can look forward to some pretty great things in the future.
Honestly, can’t find too many things to be nitpicky about. I didn’t notice anything specifically wrong with the story, besides it needing fleshed out more. I hope you’ll take it down and edit it to its full potential after the judging is over.
on 11/1/2022 9:56:16 PM with a score of 0
Enjoyed looking at the story from the POV character. There was pretty good branching and the writing was solid.
For me, some of the paths seemed very similar except for subtle differences.
Overall, pretty good for a newbie who joined a contest one week before the deadline.
on 11/1/2022 5:44:16 PM with a score of 0
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