Player Comments on The Boy Who Would Be Duke - The Journey to Agincourt

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer (yet). To the readers, this review will contain some spoilers, so I implore you to read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The description provides some historical background to the story, namely, the war between King Henry and King Charles. There’s also some introduction to Jean, the main character. While it may seem to be quite serious in tone, I like the twist of the protagonist being a child. He has rather realistic motivations too; a goal that would carry through the story.

It starts off with the protagonist fighting a giant. I enjoyed the child-like thoughts and the conversation between the protag and the ‘giant’. It was amusing how the child’s words seem more serious and even quotes the Bible, whereas the giant’s are more childish. This is a nice touch—it shows how seriously he takes his goal to triumph in battle, whereas his father sees this as a fun moment of playing with his son.

There weren’t any grammatical or spelling errors that I caught early on. Slight nitpick: instead of saying ‘You miss playing with your father’ (which implies the protagonist currently misses him even though he’s playing with him at the present moment), perhaps change it to ‘you have missed playing with your father’.

Good detail that after it’s mentioned that the protagonist’s father seemingly changes into the Duke when he becomes more serious, he is later referred to as such instead of Papa. Yet, when he whispers to his son, he briefly turns back into ‘Papa’. This separation of personal identity and duty is a larger theme that might be explored later.

There was a random ‘I wonder why’ which broke immersion for a moment, as the story is written in second person pov. If that’s a thought, you could italicize it.

The protagonist is quite observant, yet also gets distracted. Makes sense for him as a child. His personality shone through the descriptions, as it mentioned the classroom was a ‘small, oppressive place’ and it used the word ‘boringly’.

But why are they giving wine to a literal child? And not just as a reward, but as part of a normal supper?

From the start, there’s the recurring theme of little boys being underestimated. This might develop more throughout the story. And there’s a choice where Jean has to choose between what he’s been asked to do and what he wants to do (duty vs desire).

WRITING STYLE

I liked that the description focuses on what is important to the protagonist—his family and his observations about them. It also demonstrates his knowledge and gaps, like when he notes he doesn’t recognise the papers.

Quite emotional scene where the description fades away, putting the spotlight on the four simple lines of dialogue:
"You said you were going to stay, at least until Mother came back."
"I know."
"You promised."
"...I know. I'm sorry."

Good pacing, as every scene introduces new information. For example, the part where the arranged marriage is suddenly revealed and then brushed aside. It later becomes relevant in the side path where he chooses to stay home.

Short sentences were employed effectively to create emotional impact:
Unthinkable. Unfathomable. Unreal. This must be a nightmare. The Duke is dead.
Papa is dead.

I like that it is in a new line, as if suddenly remembering the personal stakes..

“The air outside the prison has a strange stillness to it, neither warm nor cold.” This was a good scene transition, as it shows freedom without bogging the narrative down with the finer details of how he got free. It also makes sense that he would dwell more on his thoughts than describe present moment

Overall, there were very few grammatical errors. For instance, a missing space after a full stop, an ‘an’ instead of ‘and’, misspelling ‘soem’, but nothing a quick proofread can't fix.

The narrator’s interest in the war means the story is written in such a way where everything sounds so exciting and fun. Certainly a contrast from most war stories. Yet there's the constant reminder from other characters that it isn't as glamorous as the protagonist believes, which he might soon discover for himself.

Minor nitpick: to distinguish prose from the narrator's internal thoughts, you could put the thoughts in italics.

The protagonist also has a very biased view of the French and English, which makes for some amusing, character-focused descriptions. One of my favorites: “The English are used to fighting at a distance because of their fear of France. That’s why they made the longbow.”

CHARACTER DYNAMICS

"Yes," you answer confidently. "Henry, like his father, is a bloodthirsty tyrant who thinks he should have France."

This line shows how propaganda could be used as a powerful weapon, yet it too conveyed Jean’s childlike tendency to view the world in terms of good and evil. Oversimplification works well here.

From the scene with the priest, it becomes clear how much duty comes with the protagonist’s bloodline. He’s meant to fight the English—his family’s sworn enemies—and he takes this quite seriously despite his young age.

Then, there were the differing approaches between the uncle and Duke. While the former is more calculated and prepared to cut his losses, the latter is more passionate. His expressive words and desire to get out into the battlefield conveys this. They’re not only character foils, but it also shows where the protagonist gets his longing for fighting his enemies from.

I didn’t realize it at first, but later found a really cool foreshadowing detail. In the conversation between the Duke and his brother, the former wanted to join the war as soon as possible while the latter wanted to wait. It is implied that the Duke's strategy would be more effective based on the two main paths of this story—if the protagonist stays behind, every branch leads to defeat; whereas if he goes to battle, it’s implied that there is the opportunity to secure victory. This is especially considering a later meeting in the tent where it's revealed Papa is called “wise”.

I loved the relationship between Jean and his dad. The genuine affection between them, the little jokes, and the fact that they’re both struggling to choose between duty and desire.

The other adults seem to humour the protagonist’s wishes to join the army, yet never thinks he's serious. It’s a realistic depiction of how adults treat children with lofty dreams and aspirations. The conversation with his uncle made me chuckle with all the monotone yeses.

Fittingly, the one person who manages to help the protagonist sneak away is his best friend. Their friendship is so wholesome. I like that Antoine respects his best friend's choice despite not wanting him to leave, whereas Jean is understandably surprised by his friend's choice, though he also respects it by choosing not to push the matter further. They also joke with each other while making sure not to go too far as to offend. Friendship goals indeed.

PROTAGONIST & PLOT

The history lesson was actually a history lesson for the readers too, lol. I learnt a lot of facts there. I guess a nitpick may be that it’s technically an infodump, but I like that it’s made relevant to the story and stated in a way that can be easily understood.

When he had to choose between going with father or staying home, it was another moment of desire vs duty. There were a number of these throughout the storygame. I like that the text changes depending on previous choices, too.

First, I explored the path of staying home. I was under the impression that since it wasn’t the main narrative, it would be pretty short. It was actually a whole branch in itself, which made for a pleasant surprise. In the part where there was a long list of deaths, I found the protagonist’s emotions to be captured quite well.

Note: there were no links on two pages—The Young Pauper and A Tragic Fate.

There’s a part where he swaps life with a lookalike. Maybe I've watched too many movies in the family switch genre, but this has some comedic potential. Edit: called it. The scene with taking down the tent was quite funny, especially since he has to guess how to do it while trying to protect his identity.

The reflection about why the other page was so willing to swap lives with him, followed by the mention that he might be bullied too, shows that the protagonist is starting to get a glimpse of the reality behind war and the world outside his rose tinted glasses. Also, it makes sense for a kid that feels as strongly as him to not consider the possibility that war isn't as great as the stories he's been told. This is why the conversation with Gilles is so meaningful; it challenges this misbelief too.

It's funny to just imagine the protagonist shouting ‘finally’ as they are about to head to war. I like the conversation with Sir Poton—another Jean—and the points about greatness which echoes the story's description. And the protagonist asks so many questions, I'm surprised the knight isn't the least bit annoyed. It makes me miss spending time with my younger cousins, lol. The way Jean talks with the serf shows his disregard for ranks and it'll probably make him a great Duke one day.

"I don't think they would just call someone that without proof.” - he's so innocent and naive, which makes sense given how sheltered he has been in the castle. And he wants to set a better example as a ruler.

Character foils between the Dauphin (the King's son) and Jean: the protagonist immediately dislikes the former when he sees him in the meeting, describing his countenance as ‘weak, and it later shows that he is either disinterested or ignorant regarding battle plans. This is the opposite of our protagonist, who is so thrilled by war that he sneaks into battle. The scene where he's proud of his father marching into battle was cute.

(Massive spoilers) I'm immensely disappointed by the ending. It built up so well, especially with the description alluding to glory, the promise of a brilliant battle, and the way the Prince was set up to be weak whereas Jean was courageous and likely to be a good ruler… then it just ended when it was about to begin. And the ‘ending’ delivered a devastating blow—the aftermath should have been explored, especially after so much emphasis was placed on ‘what happened after’ in that conversation between Jean and Gilles. We didn't even see the part that was promised in the description. I was getting so invested in the story haha.

You requested this review, so the only way to make it up to me now is to finish it soon and let me know when you do :)

Review 3

I'm always excited for new entries based on historical events. From previous stories I do know that lots of authors struggle balancing creative liberties and historical accuracies. I don't have much knowledge about this particular time period, so I'll be mostly commenting on the storylines.

General impression
I love the story. Every paragraph seems to be written with purpose and made with lots of care and effort put into it. The story's biggest strength was the strong voice of the protagonist. The way the author writes children is pretty accurate and I do like that he isn't afraid to make them insensitive and a bit annoying at times. Jean certainly can come across like that at some points in the story which actually makes him very endearing and easy for the reader to root for. I had a good idea of who most of the characters were and what their relationships were with each other. I think the most interesting character besides Jean was his dad. There were many moments in the story where you could see more glimpses of his personality beyond his role as a father figure despite Jean's very unreliable narration. For example him cheating on his wife and his strained relationship with her and Jean's grandfather, his warm relation with his bastard son and his reluctance to leave his family and go to war in the first place. I also like that most of this information is very much implied and shown in bits and pieces.
I would recommend this story to everyone lest for the fact that it currently stands unfinished. So far, only the beginning of the story is written and the character arc of Jean is still not fully completed. I do sense that this story game will have more branching and endings when it is completed. So far it is also very very linear but I hope it will change soon when the author chooses to update it.
MiltonMan, I had low expectations of you due to your abysmally bad thunderdome short story, so I was quite surprised that I liked the writing most out of the three storygames I have reviewed for the review contest. Keep up the good work! I would have given the story a 7 or perhaps an 8 if it was finished, but for now I will settle with a soft 6 or a high 5.

Notes and nitpicks

- The first page starts off amazingly and hooked me right in. Immediately I noticed that it was written from a child's perspective just by the voice and the narration alone. I especially like the second last line, with the sound effects; children of Jean's age would definitely play pretend like that. The way the exposition is also woven during the playfight itself also feels very natural. Like any good scene; the scene did two things at once! (Characterization and exposition this time!) My only nitpick is, is that children often don't refer themselves as children, or 'little boys' in dialogue. Those stubborn boogers would rather think that they are already adults or that they should be treated as such. (this happens also later in the story where Antoine refers them as kids. I feel that the better excuse for a kid not wanting to go to war is something very banal as they don't really think about longterm consequences. I would find it much more believable if Antoine's reason was that he would get punished and get in trouble or get scolded if they were caught. Also the line; "I'm not defined by who my father was" sounds oddly very mature, especially for a boy like Antoine who pages ago encouraged Jean to skip his lessons and sneak around. Something like "I'm going to be way better than my dad." also gets the point across while still keeping it very childlike.
- It felt adorable how the Giant was actually Jean's dad. The overactive imagination of Jean really helps cement the fact that he is still very young.
- On the page "Perform the coup-de-grace" The perspective briefly switches to first person for some reason "I wonder why". I think it was a small typo.
- "you sit at your desk boringly." I think that boringly is not used this way and sounds a bit clunky. You could make it a bit more evocative by replacing these adjectives with actions. Perhaps something like "You yawned while sitting at your desk."
- That lesson with Father Alain was again a clever way to dump exposition at the reader. I'm not even mad by it.
- Did I mention how I love the environment descriptions. The dining room was especially had lots of personality with the environment descriptions being interwoven with the characters' actions. I also like how you illustrated each of the characters' personality and mannerisms by the way they eat. Such a nice attention to detail! I also always love when authors write about food. I'm happy you also included that tiny tidbit into the scene, because it made it come to life hhaha.
- "Six and-a-half years...almost" This is such an adorable line. It is very much a thing I would imagine a six year old to say.
- I especially like the very warped view Jean has about wars and such and how all of the adults in his life wants to shield him from the more grizzly aspects of it. The way you introduce Jean's worldview in the beginning; war being some fairytale with knights and dragons; came back. I was almost afraid that you would drop this character trait of him or made it not one of the main conflicts in the story. I'm glad you decided to lean to this clash between Jean's view of the war vs what a war would actually look like.
- Jean's room being filled with little toy knights fits so well with his personality and again gives another good symbolism and the representation of the above mentioned conflict and themes.
- I think the way the characters talk is a bit modern. I don't really mind it, because it gets the overall point across and the more modern vernacular makes the text very readable. However; some people might think it clashes with the overall setting. So perhaps try to find a middle way. You don't have to write it in old english, but try to avoid modern slang like "yeah".
- Another good example for writing children; sometimes these boogers blab very bad words without knowing they are bad. The way Jean drily named his half-brother a 'bastard' and his dad being flabbergasted by it, reminds me a lot of my own nephews.
- I do love how you address the status differences between Jean and Blaise; one being a noble and the other being a serf. I also like how obvlious Jean is about the serfs' hardships and how innocently he comments that their lack of freedom to travel around is the same as his. One nitpick; I don't think that a six year old would know difficult words like "the strata of france's social order". I think you already showed his obvliousness to strict divide between nobles and serfs. No reason to say it again.
- Most of the story is Jean traveling with the army. I actually like this part; it helps us getting to know characters like the knight, Gilles and Blaise a little bit more and helps build the anticipation for the final battle.
- The final battle was very swift. I actually like how it is written; at first it was narrated as if it was a child commenting on a soccer match, then you could almost feel the anxiety and the denial within the narration. Then the scene ends with the death of his father. I like how short and sudden his death was written without any fanfair or dramatic display of courage. It was just a stab and then the man was dead. This clashes amazingly with the hyped up image Jean has built about the war and his father. The words "then" and "then" makes it seem like Jean that he was at a loss for words; that he didn't know what to say when he saw the death of his father unfold. I think it was very well written. This scene also marks a turning point of Jean's loss of innocence.
- What, it isn't finished??? Hahahah

Where to begin?

This was extremely well written. No grammar mistakes that I saw. The first couple pages seemed childish and simple... Until that was revealed to be narrated by the imagination of a child. The writing then gets exponentially better.

The Duke and Uncle Peter are extremely well written, stealing every scene they are in.

Follow the Duke path: Seeing how the boy ors from being in a position of royalty to learning to serve others was an interesting progression, and I was fascinated as to how it shaped his worldview and morality. Gilles and Ambrose were very captivating, Gilles eliciting the feeling of a loyal friend, and Ambrose playing the antagonist perfectly. Punching him was definitely satisfying.
The ending where you witness the Duke killed on the field of battle was an excellent cliffhanger, and opens up all sorts of possibilities for a sequel.

The branch where you stay home... Was honestly less engaging for me. I confess there were good parts. The story does an excellent job of imparting rage onto the English for what they did, and once you are imprisoned, you are put into a dilemma between your freedom and seeing your loved ones at the expense of giving your enemy what they want and giving up everything your Father died for, or staying firm and honoring the legacy of your Father and country in the face of spending the rest of your life in a dungeon. There's no easy answer. While it bites that there's no happy ending, or at least an ending in which you achieve your goals, your journey is still compelling and immersive.

One major complaint that I have with this is that some of your epilogues in this path do not have end links. I strongly recommend you add them.

mid

Loved this, hope you write more.

Very historical. I liked it. Attention to detail was very amazing.

This is the kind of story that I like :D This was extremely well-written and the beginning was particularly charming. The writing style was very good, good word choices and structuring created an immersive Medieval atmosphere. It's interesting to see Agincourt from the French side and Jean's character was a good lens through which to see that as well as being interesting in his own right, this is definitely a character you should explore further. I also really liked the little letter from the author at the end of the story, that was a nice touch that I haven't seen before. Overall, a really great story :D

For a first time try at publishing online, it was a pretty good read. I'd rate it a solid 7/8, yet for the sake of standard which was set for this contest, the rating was lowered to a 6/8 (kind of subjective again on my part).

(Now as for my review on the storygame itself, I'll have to state in advance, that this is my first attempt ever writing one so bare with me.)

As can be gleamed by the title, the story recounts the last chapter in Jean II's life as the duke's heir, serving as a prelude to his ascension as the next duke of Alençon. It's set right around the time when the battle preparations for Agincourt are about to start.

It starts off with a BEAUTIFUL scene of father and son, Jean the Elder and Jean the Younger, playing make-believe. I'm not eloquent enough to describe this, but the RAW feeling of adventure, excitement, childlike wonder and more, seemed to seep through the words itself, forcing the reader to drown in the sea of Jean's imagination. It captures the fascination with knight stories and imagination of a 6-year old amazingly. If this scene showed the energetically playful side of Jean the kid, further scenes in the story, show how the high expectations placed on him as the heir, are slowly influencing his personality. It's interesting seeing the character development Jean gets, if the reader decides to go with the route of sneakily going to battle. From a naive noble brat whose only knowledge of the world is the big mansion and books he's read, to a noble heir who learns firsthand of how terrible the war is and of the difficulties the knights he so admires, go through.

I liked the usage of indirect exposition here, instead of a lore dump, or leaving the reader in the dark, regarding the historical characters used for the story (although the description itself gives enough clues).

A simple read through Jean II's biography, tells us of the kind of debauched life he had (adultery and countless illegitimate children, so it'll be interesting to read the historically accurate route (as accurate as it can be considering Jean's age) of how someone who was taught Christian theology and influenced heavily by it, stoops to committing the sin of adultery multiple times.

This was more of an introduction chapter/prologue than a full story, but overall it was a good introduction to the writer's writing style. Can't wait until Joan D'Arc appears later.

This is a great story. My favorite part was the beginning when it was revealed that the battle with the Giant was just make-believe. The writing was very realistic for a six-year old.

This is the first choose your adventure story I have ever read, and it is a great story to start with. Straight forward and intellectually stimulating. I highly recommend it.

As a historical story, this is great at giving a flavour of the life & times of a French page boy and the defeat of the flower of French chivalry. I've read of Agincourt from the English side often enough; interesting to see the other side.
I suspect some readers will want more choices and branches along the way, but I'm fine with this. Thanks to the author for the research that went into this.

Overall it was well good. I would review some of the articles written on the site, especially the one on dialogue. I did enjoy the various historical references and such - I'm no French history major but I didn't feel like I needed to be to enjoy the read.

Another thing I would note is that all actions may affect the story development. Example: I chose to listen in on Papa's secret meeting with Antoine. Later on, I met with Antoine and he was suprised to find out that war was coming but he was there with me when I found about it. Continuity is just something to keep in mind when working on storygames.

Good. The voice of your writing is rich, warm, and travels with the rise and fall of events appropriately. Your work invites the reader to grow attached and invested in the characters, to fall in love with them. Celebrate their victories and grieve their losses. One note- it starts off strongly showing the biblical influence on Jean's actions. This isn't seen as much the further the story progresses. Does Jean's conviction change? I'd be interested in knowing more.

Wonderful! Such a charming beginning. I eagerly await to see how the main character will live to honor his father's legacy.
- I appreciate how easily I could visualize the battle. Reminds me of The Horse And His Boy.
- I also very much enjoy how the main character tries to view things through a biblical lense. Raving that you put the real Latin in there - I'll admit that I looked it up before seeing that you provided the translation.
- That little knight in Papa's foot! You put the Lego trap in your story! Brazen anachronism!! I laughed out loud.

I have feedback for you!
- There are a few moments when more modern colloquialisms pepper the dialogue. May be worth scanning through with a friend or mentor.
- Is the main character truly only 6 1/2? He seems to have a much broader world scope than a child that age would ... Even a moderately intelligent 6 year old in the high station of nobility will be perhaps more myopic. Could he maybe be 8 1/2? I wouldn't say older than 10.

Thank you for letting me read your work! I hope to see more!

Well written, emotionally evocative, and rich with historical references and possibilities.

I had to slow down and reread for some names and locations, since I'm not too acquainted with the history between Medieval England and France, but it's not too big of an issue.

A few dead links, but I hit nothing catastrophic. Good work!

This was short but fun! Wish we had more historical stuff like this around here.

This was a brief but a pretty good story, there were some misspells here and there, but that did not hinder the quality of the story at all. On the other hand though, there were some dialogues that were a bit hard to understand on who was talking or what was going on. It was usually when multiple people were talking like during the escape with the two boys, but yeah.

I enjoyed it, even though I usually think medieval age stories are boring, the simplicity in this one was refreshing. Not to mention the fact you included how threatening English longbows were, THAT was amusing. I look forward to seeing more of Little Jean's future as he now faces the English with a dead dad, a few potential allies, and the good ol bible verses

I liked it!