The Mule 2

This was an interesting mis-mash of a story, at times it bounced between first and third person, scripted style of writing and slightly bizarre kool style txtng tlk but it was interesting, albeit confusing.

The occasional random Spanish word or phrase originally struck me as a bit gringoish and about as convincing as an albini in a sombrero and huge false moustache but I found myself warming to it as the story continued. One thing I noticed which could save you some time is rather than have several pages connected by single links (i.e., without choices) with about a sentence on each page why not just put all those sentences on one big page? It seems more time effective.

As I mentioned you switched to the scripted approach for one page (I think it was the call to Gary), that was nice and the changing styles helped prevent monotony (though conversely the lengthy monologues of the Chu brothers tended to slow things down a bit). There was a fun, quirky turn of phrase in some lines, "I'll do the doo while I'm here (in the bathroom) to be efficient, I am a professional", struck me as a personal favorite.

I was a bit puzzled about this guy Juany's morals, he's ok with drug trafficking and murder but draws the line at someone stealing a dollar from a hobo? The logic of the story also challenged: a Mexican stranger asking strange questions around the "shadier ghetto" areas of Moscow (does Moscow even have ghettos? I'm not that street-wise Soviet-style) doesn't strike me as a very failsafe plan.


I enjoyed the kind of fast-paced style though akin to action movies and would have enjoyed reading the original Mule story but it appears to have vanished. You obviously have a liking for this genre and can produce a decent fast-paced crime thriller, with practice no doubt your technique will continue to improve :)

Really? Resnov? You couldn't come up with a more original name?

Any ways, this was better written than part one strangely. I still think you should look through the articles and maybe take some time to work on your writing a bit more.

You should definitely proofread before publishing, grammatical errors and awkwardly written sentences are one of the first things a reader notices. Just to pick an example of how roughly written this was, at the end of the path I chose you switch from second person ("you did") to third person perspective ("Juany did"). The plot itself could be interesting, you just have to put more care into writing it.

My advice is to take your time, no one is timing how quickly you publish another story. I can assure you that we much prefer a polished work rather than something you put together in half an hour that doesn't represent your full writing potential.

P.S. Regarding your own comment, it's "bear with me", not "bare" ;)

Thanks for leaving feedback. I don't plan on making another anytime soon, and I'd like to work on other projects. I understand the series feels rushed, which it is, and I definitely ignored grammatical issues. I will improve my friends, bare with me!

This is probably better than your first one. You didn't give the reader a lot of choices. It was very straightforward. I think you should avoid writing in first person past tense for a storygame. You seem to enjoy this Mule character you created, si? Keep writing, muchacho.

There are a lot of spelling errors, such as ‘they’ instead of ‘then,’ and I’d prefer that transitions from one country to another last more than one sentence. Just like the 1st one, I very much dislike all of the ‘ya’s and the ‘suit n tie,’ can you please just spell things correctly? This is supposed to be a story, not a text message to friends.

Personally, I dislike whenever authors put in two links, and they both lead to the same place with nothing changing. And again, with your signature move: having one page with multiple links that are all death links, and none of them have any sort of explanation other than the link title. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there are only two endings where you live, which is really weak.

I can’t say that I’m not disappointed to see The Mule 2 not even a week after the first, because I enjoy creativity. Please don’t make a third, I’ll lose it. If you’re very determined to not make any other characters, maybe look at the comments on the first and edit it accordingly.