The Shmorps

Really good use of humor. That's the primary strength. It is an odd touch how seriously the author goes about detailing the process of making Schmorps, when everything else is so silly. I wanted more nonsense and less scientific method. The nonsense is very good. The cell division is whatever. More importantly, the Shmorps like bees, and the rat ending is incredible, I don't care what that dumb fuck Kyle says. The yellow shmorp rats would totally eat the bear.

Now, I don't mean that describing the process step by step is by any means wrong, just a little over elaborated. It's even well explained. I just don't think there is a need to go about seriously explaining something played for laughs.

Generally I liked the writing style and the rhythm of the prose. It worked for the tone. Editing however was a bit weak at points. The story could have used another once over. There were enough errors that I was distracted by them. Also distracting, the tag "based off the true story." Did I miss something?

Finally, The characters were explained well enough for the purposes of the story and the depth of the narrative suits the subject. This is a fun read, and the endings are worth seeking out.

So when I first saw this title, I was concerned that I'd be reading some kind of 'Solar Opposites' knockoff. After reading the story, however, I found it to be more engaging and original than my previous assumptions.

The pros: the interaction between Ezekiel and George is an amusing one. It's extremely clear that George has no reverence for Ezekiel the Mad, which really flips the usual Mad scientist - loyal servant plot device on its head.
The teacher being friendly, then mentally referring to a class of third graders as "retards" was comical, and adds a depth to his character of being outwardly friendly but inwardly an asshole. Despite this, he does make very good points in each of the endings. The idea of using interactive storytelling in class to explain the CYOA is a concept I adored, and has some basis in fact, as classes have used this site for their English projects.

The cons: in addition to some punctuation errors on the first page, the teacher is known as Mr. Shmipidu,but is then referred to throughout the rest of the story as Mr. Shmip. I'm not sure if this was a continuity error or simply a nickname for him given by the class, but it would have been less confusing to be clarified.
Despite there being mention of a war, there was no reference to any type of warfare in the story endings. While the above comments on the inner monologue/outer enthusiasm I made still stand, I will say that it was jarring at times to read him calling kids "fucking retards" and then enthusiastically answer their questions. It was a great character plot, but could have been implemented smoother.
Speaking of things that could have been smoother, I feel as though the blue cursive writing was disconcerting compared to the rest of the story. Text in italics could have managed the same effect without being murder on the eyes.

The Famous ending: this is by far the most "happily ever after" in the story. I did think that the question teacher posed about which being better was an interesting one. A small complaint about it is that the reader knows about him complaining over his doctorate, when up until that point it had been referred to as an inner monologue, and that the teacher hadn't said anything openly about it.

Schmorp ending: okay, so the writer already references the problems I have with this, which is that like the other endings in this path, there was no battle, the character of Ezekiel did a complete 180, and the story was rushed. Although that tends to be a common theme when it comes to contest deadlines.

The immortality ending: this could have been expanded on more, although the premise and debate of the Bible predicting scientific debates is indeed an engaging idea. So much more could have been done with it, especially when you think about the reaction the church would have had.

The bear and eat death scenes were well written, and I always prefer that to a loop around "TRY AGAIN" link.

The drinking the serum scene having ended so abruptly was annoying, and the fact that it was followed by a detailed description of current events proves that the author could have expanded on this branch, and didn't. Again, probably due to time constraints.

Overall, a good story with a lot of potential, but not a whole lot of follow through. I feel like that there's so much more this story could accomplish with more time and effort put into it.

Famous ending. 4/8

I got the rat ending

I went through so many emotional rollercoasters trying to rate this game.

The first page was absolutely phenomenal, I'm sure some more high-brow folk wouldn't agree, but it was top-tier humor for me. Then again Zombeavers is one of my all-time favorite movies so that may tell you something about my tastes.

Along with the humor, there was a ton of "meta" descriptions going on. In a serious, lengthy game like eternal, it would definitely feel out of place. In a game like this, one that clearly doesn't take itself seriously, I think it fits perfectly.

All of the above is consistently present in all of the endings, whether more on the humor side (the ending where the story just makes you get into football) or more on the "meta" side, like the bears vs rats ending. You're on both sides of the argument, depending on which you pick... some would call that pair of endings "laziness" or "padding the word count"... I would call it genius.

So far I seem to be in love with everything about the story, so a high rating is probably to be expected, right? Well... The whole "middle" section of the story is drastically different and really took me out. Now I may be living in a glass house and throwing stones here, seeing as some commenters mentioned having the same issue with my own entry, but I like to think the progression was at least a bit more gradual there. For sure the difference did not occur in the span of... one page.

The very second page of the story is so completely different to the first, much more serious and almost autistically detailed. Just as Ugilick said, I would have preferred more "nonsense" and less "science". Or, at the very least, have it start off as science so I don't get my hopes up and can just click through to an end game link (that is a joke by the way, though I suppose some people DO do that).

So I can't say I HATED the middle section but I just found it kinda boring. When we get to actual bear-rat hybrids, it picks up the pace again... only to end promptly. I'd have also loved it if the story was a bit longer.

Finally, I've been told I overuse commas, but I think you managed to surpass even me. I realize now what some people were telling me about wrong comma usage completely butchering the sentence, and I really felt it in this game. Aside from that there was a fair amount of typos, but that seems to be the par for 80% of contest entries. Guess it comes with a deadline.

So with all that said... I give this a very subjective 6/8, for the amazing start and the endings. Emphasis on the subjective, I just happen to love this kind of humor. Some may not.

From reading the title and description, I didn’t think I’d like this game. The premise didn’t really click with me much. But I was pleasantly surprised. This story is actually really good, and I’m glad to say my first impressions were wrong. I liked the humor and the science stuff. I find it funny because a lot of the science stuff actually made a lot of sense, which is good to see. I’d recommend giving this story a try even if you aren’t a fan of the premise. The first few pages might hook you like they did me.

The branching was decent in this story. Not sure how I feel about the vast differences in terms of branch length, and there is one or two a lot longer than the others, but it’s fine. The fact that it had as many choices as it did without branching back on itself is impressive for a game of its size.

The writing style and humor were also a big sell as far as this story goes. It just flows so well and the first page really hooked me. I disagree with the other comment as far as the science being overexplained, I found it funny how in depth it was. A nice juxtaposition.

I will say all the science stuff and a lot of words used is a little much for a third grade classroom, but that’s a nitpick. Don’t know how many third graders know about cell division or chimera’s.

All in all a really good storygame. I don’t have that much else to say about it, besides how well it was written. It makes me wonder how well an epic storygame with a large scope would go for you, but it’s entirely possible that you excell more at little quirky storygames. Either way I’d be excited to read something you put out in the future.