The Weekly Review - Edition 28
A What is New Section giving the latest info on the Forums
An Article on Solving the Procrastination Crisis
A Review of tsmpaul’s 8 Goals, 28 Rolls, reviewed by Steve24833
A Short Story by WIBN
CYStian Review of ZagHero
A Special Section of a Defense of Communism
- In Newbie Central, idiots point out bugs for some reason.
- In the Lounge, Seto dies, or something? I don't know.
- In News and Updates, Bucky's Contest continues.
- In the Parlor Room, Interesting Comments are shown to ever destroy my faith in humanity.
- In the Forum Games section, who fucking cares?! Shit's getting purged!
- In the Writing Workshop, Steve bangs out multiple Council of Nine stories. Also, there's a surprising number of questions about writing, so hey, that's cool, that shows improvement.
- In the Reading Corner, little happens because this is a writing site, not a reading site.
- In the Advanced Editor Forum, people ask complicated scripting things that I don't understand.
- In the Feature Wishing Well, Minnieking complains about the "zombie" tag.
-In Bugs and Problems section, I didn't check but I assume the same idiots from the newbies section introduce themselves.
Well, that's it, I think.
-Oh yeah, in News and Updates, we're purging the Storygames to replace with actual writing! YEAH! We're also killing the coders and some other update shit, but it's all second fiddle here.
Featured Article – Solving the Procrastination Crisis
Procrastination is a shitty drain on writing. Too many people on the site endlessly get distracted and never manage to finish their stories, preventing the site from experiencing the gems they hold within them. Thus, we as a site need to deal with this problem. I have several solutions.
-Forces writers to produce.
-Site already holds large quantities of whips, chains and leather “slave” suits.
-One of our mods is already called EndMaster
-We have a few darkies on the site. Enslaving them is going to be awkward, but we can’t not enslave them, because that’s actually racist.
-Slaves aren’t the most creative kind.
Readjusting the points system
-With a new points system, writing will be better rewarded.
-Capitalism works, people. For those on top, at least.
-I’m sick of people getting so many points for bullshit.
-Points are worthless.
-Kills of dueling, which’ll get the masses bitching.
Yelling at those who fail to write
-Yelling at idiots for being idiots should begin some sort of reformation, shouldn’t it?
-‘Twill increase the level of delightful fighting on the site.
-I enjoy insulting people.
-Some of the site members are into getting yelled at, and this will have the opposite effect.
-Claims of “Troll!” and “Meanie!” will go through the roof.
Purging the Forum Games
-Gets rid of a serious waste of time.
-Scares off some of the shittier site members.
-“Hello. You can call me Fatass! You can find me anywere in the region, and I have the ability to be in many places at once. You could say i'm quite the multitasker. Anyways, I brought you these to help you start your journey!” That line is from a Forum Game. Purge.
-Those doing the Forum Games aren’t good writers.
-The masses will get uppity.
Edit: Well, it seems the last option actually has been chosen. Cool.
Featured Review: 8 Goals, 28 Rolls, an Everything Else story written by tsmpaul
Here we have a dice game that’s been on the site almost a decade now with a strong rating the whole time. It seems to remain a strong favorite of the site, holding its featured spot for quite some time now. The comments tella tale of many people who managed to get grand, high scores.
However, as a hate-filled drunk, I hate this game. Literally detest it. This review is little more than a vehicle for my hatred. I think it’s boring, I think it’s banal, I think it’s complicated and I just hate everything about it. I don’t see why we have a storygame completely lacking in story featured on the front page, especially for so long, although Everything Else is a weak category.
I mean, the variables and scripting and that are certainly impressive, but that’s always been a pretty irrelevant thing to me. I mean, Endmaster’s stories don’t even used the Advanced Editor to create them. Great use of statistics should inform and improve the story, but it isn’t a necessary thing.
I don’t care that it’s a puzzle, or whatever the creator was going for, its boring and stupid and I hate it, and I'm an asshole who thinks their opinion matters more than everyone else's.
Featured Short Story – White, by Wouldn'tItBeNice?
My eyes open.
Where the Hell am I? Everything is white. Even my damn bed sheets are white.
“Go tell Hubert he’s up,” says one nurse to another. She walks over to me. “How do you feel?”
“Like crap. I can hardly feel anything. My head’s throbbing.”
“Just lie down.” She pauses to look at a clipboard hanging on my bead. “The doctor will be here soon, Private Willkie.”
I just lie back. I move my arm to scratch my side…
“Why can’t I move much?”
Before she can answer, the doctor arrives. He looks exhausted and his white coat is as disheveled as the rest of his body.
“Are you feeling okay?” he asks. His tone seems cheery.
“Yes, sore but fine. Why not?”
“Just being sure. If you need anything, Evelyn will help you. She’ll be on duty for a while. I’ll come around pretty soon anyway.”
“Thanks.” Ow, my throat is sore.
I close my eyes. I hear the two of them walk away. They talk, but I can’t make out what they’re saying…
“Ouch.” Something bumped me. I wake up.
My nurse pulls a needle out of my arm and pulls the blanket back over my body. I notice it’s covered in bandages.
“Sorry, private. Morphine.”
“Is it bad down there? They said the mortar got me pretty bad. I didn’t think I’d wake up from surgery. Hell, I didn’t think I’d survive this.”
“We have the best doctors here. You’ll be fine. Trust me.” She smiles. She’s as old as my oldest sister. I like her.
“How long will I be here?”
“Not long, I think.”
“Can I have a drink? I’m thirsty.”
“I’ll get somebody.”
She walks away. I rest my eyes for a moment. I hear a person’s footsteps coming to me.
“Hello,” says a man. He’s holding a cup of water. “Here, drink.” His voice sounds optimistic unlike everyone else.
He holds it up to my lips. I sip the water. It feels cool on my throat.
“Are you a nurse?”
“No, I’m the Chaplain.” He looks at the clipboard. “It looks like you’re a C.”
“Why are you visiting me?”
“Oh, I help out here when I’m not needed elsewhere. I’m stationed here. I’ve seen many young men like you.”
“Where are we? I was unconscious on my way here.”
“A safe enough distance from the fighting. This building is old and sturdy. We will be safe.”
“Thanks for the drink.”
“I’m glad to help. Private Willkie, is there anything you’d want to talk about? I am a Chaplain after all.”
“No, I’m fine… It’s just peculiar. I was the only one hit. The guys are all fine, but here I am. At least I’ll get to go home soon.”
“Yes, that would be great. I don’t know why you were hit, but there must’ve been a reason.”
“I wish I knew why. Well, I appreciate your time.”
“I’d better be off now, for others need help as well. If you need me, I’ll come. I’m Goddard by the way.”
He leaves. I close my eyes again…
I hear voices. I turn my head though it hurts. The doctor is talking to another patient. I hope he lives.
Doctor Hubert comes over to me. He smiles.
“Well, it looks like you’re sleeping soundly.”
“Things don’t hurt when I’m asleep. I’m really tired as well.”
“Okay. We’re here for anything. Just ask. Nurse Dewey is on duty now.” He picks up the clipboard at the end of my bed.
“Morphine is fine still.”
“What is that thing?”
“It holds your information both medical and personal. No oral mistakes when this happens.”
He walks away, but I see nurse Evelyn walk up to me. Doctor Hubert nods at her when she passes by him.
“I thought you weren’t here now.”
“I came to see you.”
“I thought you’d like somebody to talk to,” she shrugs.
“I could get a telegram out to your folks.”
“Sure.” She pulls out a pen and paper.
“Okay… Dear Mom, Dad and the rest… I’ve been hit by a mortar shell, but I’m fine.” I pause. “Nurse, would they know about this before they receive my telegram?”
“Thank you… Well, I’m coming home in mostly one piece. I still have my arms, legs, and other parts. I miss you all so much. Tell everybody that I love them, especially Mary… I can’t think of what else to say, nurse. My head is hurting too much.”
“Oh, that’s just the morphine. Don’t worry.”
“Morphine does that?”
“Of course it does. Who’s Mary?”
“She’s my girl. She turned eighteen last week… Oh, add on that I wish her happy birthday in my telegram.”
“Sure. Did you two meet in school?”
“No, she went to a girl’s school. I met her at a restaurant… It was the best place to eat in our crummy little town. When we’re out of school and the fields, all of us youth would go there. They had burgers there… I’d give anything for one of those.”
“I don’t know if your stomach could handle one right now.”
“Did you live on a farm?”
“Yeah, corn. Everybody seems to do corn, milk, or both… It’s hard on us. Many of our neighbors lost theirs. We were told to burn some of our crops. Something about supply and demand. Either way, we hate damn Henry Wallace for it… Most of my older brothers were already in the army. They earned money. It helped. Oh, I’m so tired.”
“It’s just you recovering from surgery.”
She puts her hand on my wrist and her other hand on my head. I lie there in silence. Using her shirt she wipes my sweat off her hands. Then Evelyn waives at another nurse, and that nurse quickly leaves the room.
Nurse Evelyn continues, “Were you drafted?”
“I enlisted the day I turned eighteen… It would’ve been sooner, but my pa needed the extra labor. We agreed on eighteen. I wanted to serve. Did I mention that I enlisted on my eighteenth birthday?”
“No, that’s very interesting. Is there anything you want to say to your parents? This might be the last time you speak to them in a while because it’ll take weeks to reach America.”
“Really, are you sure?”
“Hm, add on that I miss them all and… and… I can’t wait to work on the farm again. I didn’t sleep with any women. I didn’t drink at all even though everybody else did. I… I didn’t smoke. I did smoke. Yes, I did. Hell, just a few.”
I see Chaplain Goddard come up to me. He sits on the empty bed on my right. Nurse Evelyn is on my left. Is that actually Chaplain Goddard?
“Things are blurry,” I say. “Am I okay? Really. Am I?
“Of course you are,” replies Goddard.
“Did you go to church Willkie?” asks nurse Evelyn.
“I did. I had to be fine out in the field. I never knew if I’d die. I figured better safe than sorry.”
The chaplain nods. I hear him whispering a prayer.
“I’m going to close my eyes… just a little. I’m feeling weird. It’s just morphine, right?”
“You’ll be fine, private.” She takes hold of my hand. I can’t even feel it. “You’ll be fine.”
CYStian Review: ZagHero
Member Since: 12/10/2015
Storygames: Nothing, the twat. Not even a shitty quiz game.
Review: Ah, Zag. Zag is one of the many unwashed plebians that fills out the background of the site. Remember the grand and great events of the site in the past year, and Zag was there. He wasn’t stopping it or causing it or even doing anything interesting, but he was definitely there at the time, just in the background. As he’s been on the site for a fair degree of my memory, the only worthwhile measure of time, without doing anything shockingly stupid, and is thus the crème de la merde of the site. Better than the unwashed masses in that we can predict how stupid he’ll be, but come on, you twat, you’re a twat. It’s also worth mentioning that the bugger has published no stories, and for that he’s filth. He’s contributed nothing but to the Forum Games, and seeing as that’s the site’s literal tumor, fuck that dude for being involved in that. He has, in his defense, created the comic Tim and Chris about two site members. However, making a comic about these two is like dedicating your life to fighting the two diseases Feline AIDS and the disease that makes you live forever: commendable, but stupid. Because immortality’s great and Feline AIDS hurts cats, the little bastards. Also, just saying: homophobic.
Rating: Stupid Wanker that stands as one of the more prominent twats that stands among the unwashed rabble
Special Section – A Defense of Communism
Now, the review has never been a political piece, but I’d like to take the time to make a defense of Communism, because everything suffers from bias, I’ve thrown it out the window, and also, what even is the Special Section? Does someone else want to start writing these, because I just don't understand what goes here? Like, if there's just an open space I'm ordered to fill, I'll fill it with gibberish. Blame Will11 for this.
Now, Communism is an ideology that has been behind many brutal regimes and has caused endless atrocities. Now, one could attempt to defend it as a powerful economic system that encourages income equality and an end to classes, or as something that’s never truly been implemented as Marx intended, or whatever else nerd stuff. However, I’d like to take a different approach. Communists are just more attractive than Capitalists. That is a fact. Let’s look at some of the most prominent Communists we’ve seen in history. One of the most brutal and prominent Communist leaders has been Josef Stalin, the leader of the USSR. Now, as he grew older, dude got ugly, but age will do that to anyone. Young Stalin, however, was a beauty to behold. We also have more notable insanely attractive communists, like Che Guevara. Look at him. Look at his charming beauty. Even young Fidel Castro was great. Hell, I found a random Communist country, China, and then went to a random Communist leader, Premier Zhou was motherfucking flawless for god's sake. Now, look at some Capitalists for comparison. Donald Trump is a famous example, and he looks like an orange with a wig. Hell, look at famous anti-Communist Senator Joseph McCarthy or anti-Communist Adolf Hitler even when they were younger. I’m just pointing out, there is a clear connection between Communism and being attractive. Hence, the only, and I do mean only, path forward is to become Communist so that we all become attractive. Whatever atrocities or horrors take place will be worth it.
Idea by Jaystarcat, Idea done better by Will11, story by WIBN, site member review, article and special section done by Steve24833
Finally thank you everyone except Ford for taking the time to read this Review.
Where??? How could the mods allow this...
But I don't understand why you didn't rush this out before 3J made the announcement. You could have prophesied, even caused the fall of Forum Games.
Anyway, nice story by WIBN, and Steve, I'm glad you finally found the platform to gush about your young Stalin fetish. This is the most convincing argument I've seen for Communism yet.
*quickly buys one way ticket to China* I'll show all of you! I'll be attractive, too!!
I think Will already tried that strategy.
My people shall note your love of our practices. Bravo indeed, comrade.
Ha! These Steve reviews just keep getting better. Oh and don't worry about Zag. He's with me, so he's cool.
(Note: You said storygames were being purged when you probably meant forum games.)