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Hey, fuck it, all the good tech-question-asking sites are blocked on my school chromebook, and the last thread turned out so well. Here goes fucking nothing.

I used to be able to access the internet fairly well, save for brief spurts of non-connectvity due to IP conflicts. However, that seemed to impact all the internet-accessing things in the building, not just my Computer, so I'm not sure if that's even relevant, but that is my recent history with internet problems, so there.

When I click on Chrome or Firefox, nothing happens. Carefully observing with Task Manager, I can see the task actually opening sometimes, but it will never load or bring up a window... And I'm no stranger to waiting a few hours for my computer to do something. I swear, the little weights I keep by my desk to deal with Lord-Caerbog-please-end-my-life-even-if-I-have-to-shit-eyeballs levels of ennui are actually starting to feel lighter. Internet Explorer will bring up a window, and load the google homepage, but it will never load or open up any other website beyond that.

I have turned it off. I have turned it back on again. I've also turned it back on. But that's not all, I've also turned it off again after turning it back on. I've even turned it back on a third time, and... Well, fuck, I've been turning it back on and off like a responsible computer user each day I've come back to it. So, about 5 times.

Actually, yeah, the last time I really used the internet on my craptop was 5 days ago, putting up images for that Sims LP. It was loading Postimage as slow as a motherfucker and it was swiftly approaching body-temperature, because keeping up two programs is too fucking much for this machine. I eventually gave up and stole a USB to copy-paste the images to another machine... Which I lovingly borrowed... And put it on the website that way.

However, nothing's wrong with the internet. It gets all the bars, and it is in fact the exact same internet I'm using to contact you right now. I've checked other sources of internet, like Steam, to confirm this. I can navigate my Steam library, see who's online, and other traditionally internet-requiring things, but I cannot use it as the steam browser... Which isn't saying much, considering that Steam Browser never worked for me to begin with and I always ended up visitting steam pages with Chrome, which is now defunct as I've previously mentioned.

If you find some fucking way to help me out, that'd be great. You'll be doing me a great service, and I'll still be able to efficiently communicate and write with you all on these forums when school is over. More importantly, I'll be able to use porn again. 

Try Opera, it has an inbuilt VPN, should help you get through this

Okay. Uh... How do you download a browser without using a browser?

Download from somewhere else and bring the installer over via pen drive / bluetooth / LAN / WiFi (on Windows). Otherwise you can probably get a portable version of the browser from the net - portable software runs without needing an install.

My file access keeps getting denied when I try to fuck with the Opera Installer. I can't even get it off the USB, even though I can sure as hell fuck around with it on the USB. Who the hell is "Everyone" and how do I get permission from them? Is this some bullshit because I got it off school equipment? Am I seriously going to have to yell at a school IT guy in the middle of Spring Break in order to download Opera off an internet I otherwise can't use?

Looks like it, dommage.

Try looking for an antivirus that's blocking access. Then use taskmanager to get rid of it. That is, if your school does blocking like that. If they blocked taskmanager, try unblocking it using a .reg file or something.

If nothing else works, you may be looking at a back up and a reimage. Just ask your IT to do it for you 'cos, from the sound of it, your computer is slow af.

 

For IE, you could check if there are new updates available on win update. For other 2 browsers, you could try disabling the add-ons, if you have any. A good way to do that would be CCleaner, of wich you can also get a portable copy.

Scan for viruses, update drivers, uh, reformat your hard drive? Fuck I don't know. Other programs are starting without trouble? Because it doesn't sound like an internet issue at all if it's something with opening the browser itself.

Come to think of it this actually sounds like a recurring problem I have with Stream where it won't launch or do anything unless I restart my computer. I don't use Steam often enough to have bothered figuring out why this is.

Anyway just wait around for Ford and he can hopefully help. Thank God this happened now and not a week from now or he'd already be banned forever.

Although 'Just randomly doing weird shit and then crapping out forever' seems to be just the way laptops are in my experience. I basically view them as disposable computers.

I just can't believe this is finally it. I mean, I've been trawling the digital world with this thing for a little less than half of my entire life. I mean, I could see all the signs coming for a while now. In hindsight, it's been pretty shit for years, but at this point I can see it really taking the first big step in its metamorphosis into a brick.

Start windows in safe mode with networking. If it works then you have a program causing an issue in the background.

If not your computer is probably as useful as a brick.

Luckily, they seem to be absolutely fully functional in Safe Mode. I ran the Chrome Cleanup Tool since I finally got the damn thing open, I'll see if that changes anything.

The cleanup tool probably won't do anything. Try using a antivirus program, MSE, AVG, etc. Also use something to check for malware, like Malwarebytes.

Well, I've tried. AVG is doing fuck all (as usual) and I'm sure the others might do their damnedest if I was capable of obtaining new programs and putting them in this machine. As it stands, bullshit security protocols are in my way, and I'll have to take on any possible malware in plain hand-to-hand combat.

Do other programs work?

Check a program that doesn't connect to the internet like notepad.
Check a program that does that isn't one you've already tried like Steam or an online game.

The Sims has some internet shit. It can't connect to Origin, so I don't get any advertisement clothes and shit. Internet Backgammon seems to work. I could ask them for help in chat if shit gets really desperate.

Notepad works. Microsoft Word works. Mount and Blade works. The only things that were ever at fault were the internet browsers.

task manager > processes (or details). Look for any instances of any browser. They may be unresponsive instances, just scroll in processes. If you find the unresponsive instances of chrome or firefox just end the tasks. They can be fighting for the same resources and data and therefore not displaying or doing anything graphical because they don't meet prerequisites.

task manager > startup. Look for anything unfamiliar; anything that you don't recognize or don't know the company or program or the icon is a bit off. Suspicious things tend to pop up there. If you look it up and don't need it disable it. If you want to delete it for good you'll need regedit. Probably won't need to go that far though unless you're OCD like I am (first thing I did when I built and installed windows on my PC was go through the entire regedit and get rid of shit).

When the task does show up, there's only one, and it just sits there, or it disappears. I only right-click-open my browser once, because I'm not a goddamn maniac. Everything gets only exactly the amount of clicks that it needs! 

Is there a difference between the regular task manager list and the task manager startup? I only know how to bring up just the list.

You can press windows +r and write "msconfig" in the box, then go to the startup tab. I think that's what Ford ment.

no lol. msconfig is generally useless

taskmanager > more details

I should mention that when I say "Just the list" I mean exactly, literally that. You'll have to tell me exactly where I type that in to find it, because there aren't any buttons on my task manager aside from the checkbox that says tasks from all users and the closeout button.

you're sure you're using task manager? like windows task manager? windows 7 and up right? do you know what windows is? does the computer exist? do you have electricity? would a diagnostic checklist help?

It had buttons once. It used to be a multi-functioning window. It lost them after one of my technological friends befuckled it with witchcraft.

Oh, this is simple then. Just fill your bathtub with water and drop the laptop in while it's powered on. If it floats and seems unharmed, congrats you've identified the problem and just need to destroy and replace it with a less evil machine.

If it sinks and stops working...well it was a broken piece of shit anyway so who cares.

Dammit, Mizal, the evil machine is the only one I have! Aside from a phone, but everyone knows that mobile websites and mobile-ly emulating websites is basically the yeast infection of the internet experience.

friends don't fuck with other friends PCs. no telling what he did so you have a few options: nuke everything and start over (format drives, reset BiOS, reinstall OS), change OS (which, unless you can dualboot, will nuke everything anyways), take pc to a fixer place or tech store that offers fixings, get a new pc, build one of your own, use a phone or something other than your pc temporarily, reinstall any program that doesn't work, look up a fix for taskmanager, or painstakingly go through services in msconfig or regedit and lookup every little thing until you find out what he did/disabled.

quick vid showing what task manager should look like by default and how to get to what I'm talking about

1. Get a job and earn money.

2. Buy a new computer.

3. ???

4. Profit.

I am in the process of doing that. The problem is, my problem is not fixed right now.

Buy a computer faster?

Yeah, sorry, it does sound like your computer is crapped out and you really won't be able to do much with it. The only other option I could suggest for faster resolution is if you have a Dell, you can often rebuild it to factory specs, or if you have a Windows install setup (with a key), you can wipe the drive and re-install Windows (or Linux if you're adventurous).

So I finally made the """UPGRAAADE""" over to Windows 10, since after a while, shit you download off the internet starts NOT FUCKING WORKING when it's been made on a higher platform. Still have the same problem, except now that I attempt the workaround of safe mode with networking... Well, shit, it doesn't connect to the network. Regular mode? Yeah, the internet works fine, but I still have no fucking means of browsing it. Safe mode with Networking used to do all my internet shit just fine, and at twice the speed of my regular computer, but now safe mode opens a functioning browser and yet it connects to fuck all. How do I fix this? What is it expecting me to do here? should I just downgrade? Please people I have schoolwork and documents and shit.

Your laptop is simply to old...

Are you still using the same broken craptop?

Maybe Ford or someone can save you again, but you don't need anything fancy for school work and documents and shit, just grab something cheap and shitty for like $200 and take that one out behind the barn. At a certain point keeping an old machine around on life support is just not worth the hassle.

In my current financial situation, $200 takes a long time to scratch up without skimping out on food and shit like that. Which would be great, if I weren't struggling to manage 8% bodyfat as it is, but at the same time, I'm not going to waste a few weeks of saving shit up on a computer that's just about as much of a throwaway as this one. That money's going into a real man's computer!

How old are you again? Im guessing young enough to mooch off mom and dad, in which case I would recommend it if you legitimately need a laptop for something important like school and aren't just jonesing for penguin porn.

Young enough to ask mom and dad for money, but old enough to feel pretty guilty and emasculated about the whole thing, particularly when I said the next time I'd talk to Dad about it is when we're frankensteining an actual computer together. Frankly, school is almost over, and I can transfer all the portfolios of dubiously downloaded kungfu movies and shit that I actually need on my phone if I really needed it, but my PC was the go-to storage space for all my documents. Nothing about the solution of mooching to buy an entirely new throwaway would be practical at all, honestly, but I suppose I should've expected it after that last line. Any knowledgable person would know that penguin porn is generally one of the worst kinds of porn.

17.

Nah. I'm not 31, 73, or 3v3 either if that's what you were about to ask.

Aw, man. Way to spoil it for me. I really thought you were 3v3.

R.I.P Laptop. You should have never made the upgrade. Installing Linux Mint (which I hear is similar to windows, unlike fucking ubuntu) would have been a better idea. Assuming all you really want to do is browse the web.

Honestly, I only clicked on it because it was "Easy to undo" according to the Windows Website. So I'm about to spend an extraordinary amount of time waiting for my computer to unfuck itself and hopefully get back to plain internet browsing.  I have a load of shit my friends are working on that's in the new Flash, so I need an up-to-date OS to run it, but honestly if I can't browse or use my docs, it's kind of fucked.

post laptop specs and list of installed programs