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So my recent story, Terrorist is ranked as a 4 despite scoring highly in the contest it entered. The comments section doesn't really have anything that I could use to improve like I did with my first story. Could anybody, here or on the comments page, please tell me in what ways my writing could improve?

I gave it a 5 for effort, but my takeaway was that it was kinda just trying to be a dime store Love SICK.

Don't worry too much about it, End wouldn't have rated it a 7 if it was really just worth a 4. Sometimes members with a lot of EXP points like to give stories a 1 just for the memes. Regular ratings would flow in soon enough as more people read your story, along with constructive feedback. 

Yup, the score fluctuations were largely due to a high weighted user changing their (joke) ratings around. Ben can expect the current true rating of his story to fall somewhere between its max and the current score (~5).

It's an edgelord story specializing in being as offensive as possible, it's going to gather extreme ratings in general.

I corrected to a 1 because I gave it an 8 without reading it on the first day. Attention to sentence flow, dialogue flow, and scene time management is my only advice for all writing including my own. Sentence flow is pretty easy; even just basic grammar and some consistent structure or style is good enough for most readers to feel comfortable reading the prose. An example of garbage sentence flow is mara, but she gets pity for ESL + effort + sometimes funny. Dialogue flow and scene time management go hand in hand for me, since I like to write anime-esque stylized action scenes which involve characters talking, thinking, or otherwise communicating slowly while doing things quickly (ie punching, slicing, blink-of-an-eye movements).

Action impact is severely dragged down if you spend time detailing it in the moment, but nobody wants to read pages of exposition prior so it's important to be brief and trust the reader to extrapolate the same idea in their head as what you see as fully detailed in your own. Once they have the details they need, hopefully through showing not telling (ie have character use magic without explaning how it works), then an action-packed scene can be inserted without worry. Once the magic is shown and the details were focused on during the low-energy scene, you can write a high-energy scene that feels like it flows fast even when the dialogue is slow. There's a lot of ways to get around this trifecta of reader attention span, dialogue flow, and badass fight scene.

DBZ gets around this by having 0 dialogue during action - no mix, no fix. In action anime time can visually slow down through use of color or motion, while dialogue remains at a comfortable pace, making it so you can understand what the character is thinking in a plot-instant = irl-minutes way. Unfortunately writing does not offer the same breadth of tools so it takes some creativity to find a comfortable way of controlling time in a scene while not dragging the readers eyes.

Exposition is best veiled with a curtain. Example: a love scene provides the exposition of "he likes her feet" by showing that he blushes when she takes off her shoes. Authors add further detail as fits their style. In my action-packed worlds I prefer to veil exposition with tension, sometimes brooding anger and other times fear; I want scenes to be irregularly spaced explosions connected by a slow burning fuse. High energy scenes come about through necessity, where each character is driven to action through an amount of tension that suits their personality.

These rules do not bend, but they break with a satisfying snap. Consistency of style is key for dramatic effect - when you break away from your consistency, it should make the reader feel. But if you always bend the rules then the break won't be so fond to look back on.

Still haven't read your game. Not changing my rating either. Suck cock.

So, other than the first sentence, the dig at mara, and the last paragraph, who actually wrote this comment?

Ford writes very good action scenes and pays a lot pf attention to stylistic things. He very well could have written this comment, my confusion lies only in the fact that he would bother.

Posting here also implies that he read a thread, which pretty much never happens!

I honestly appreciate the advice, and I'm honored that you were able to drag your ass out of the SHAME pit to rate my story without even taking the time to read it. 

If you want people to
1) Not be in the pit
2) actually read
3) have published games that are rated higher than yours (based on an earlier comment)


You are REALLY narrowing the field there.

The earlier comment I made was dumb and I definitely retracted it. 

They could have a storygame rated one and I'd accept their criticism at this point. Also, I do appreciate that Ford gave his input. I even told him that. I can't poke fun at him for being SHAMED after he told me to suck cock?

 

That's cool that you want to dunk on folks that end up in the pit - like your story is too good for them to be able to read or rate.  So, I'm gonna put my rating to a 1, since you dont seem to value it.

As I explained, I thanked him for the advice. And I explained I was only trying to poke fun at him because of some of the comments he had made. But it's your right to change your rating for whatever reason you'd like.

Your explanation is lame.  When you say you "honestly" appreciate the advice, it is obviously insincere since you also want us to believe that you are "honored" that he rated your story without reading it.  Pretending that those statements were sincere is ridiculous.  You should just embrace the edgelord vibe you are trying so desperately to project and double down on your insults.

I know I can rate a story however I want.  I wasnt asking for permission.

 

The first comment about appreciating his advice was sincere.

The second comment about being honored was a sarcastic dig meant to poke fun at him being SHAMED in response to him telling me to suck cock.

Putting them together made the whole thing look sarcastic. THAT was poor writing.

 

But you want insults? How exactly do you complain about my comments and then insist I double down on insults? How is a sarcastic dig on somebody who insulted me 'edgelord?'

Actually, come to think of it, that actually IS 'edgelord.' 

Huh. Well I still stand by the rest of my comment.

Come on, DB. Dunking on Ford is where you draw the line? Really?

lol. No, Ford can take care of himself. And picking on him to some extent can be considered a CYS pass time.  I was more talking about folks like me in the shame pit.  
However, I think if you are going to do that just go hard and don't back up immediately.  I would have respected his comment more if he would have told me to shut up and climb back down into the shame pit

Fair enough. I honestly was trying to be genuine with the appreciating his advice. The second part, which was not genuine, I was just annoyed by the fact that he told me to go suck cock and that he rated my story without even taking the time to read through it. I felt like he was saying my story wasn't worth the time to read, which is why I snapped the way I did.

And honestly, I was thinking that last part, but I was focused on defusing the situation.

I'm just gonna say it, and then I'll shut up. I respect both you and Ford as contributors to this site. I endeavor to make even HALF the impact that you guys have been making on this site. And yes, I've been spending the last couple days acting like the protagonist in my game: a whiny, entitled dick.

I apologize. I will think about what I'm saying in the future, and stand on what I do say. Happy?

Dude. I think you might be too kind for your own good.  I almost fear for your safety wandering around the wilds of the CYS forum.

no need to apologize.  It's all good

> I respect ford as a contributor to the site

Well shit, now I just lost any respect I had for you.

Meh. Can't win 'em all.

Fords only contribution is code and even then, we have a serb who does this stuff cheaper and quicker.

Your knowledge is sorely and unfashionably out of date, boomer.

Oh wait, forgot that cel had kicked himself out. Sad to know that you haven't found a replacement Serb.

They're a dime a dozen, thankfully.

It hasn't even been a week yet. Let the damn story get some age to it. Not everyone is going to jump at the most fresh off the press story. 

Alright I’m going to intervene a little bit before Ben gets himself completely tarred and feathered, raped by a horse and rode out on a rail.

The main issue that’s been going on lately is more of a case of you getting too “excitable” and I know it’s been annoying some folks. Most of this seems to be from not completely reading/comprehending certain posts and jumping the gun. Calling Ford a faggot (or whatever) is fine. Everyone does it, the thing is in this instance you look more like you go baited by him and took it too seriously.

Which by itself wouldn't really be bad, but like I said, your recent postings have been turning general opinion against you so it's all a rich tapestry.

Probably need to dial it back a bit, at least until someone else fucks up. (And around here that probably won’t take too long)

Sticking to making your comments on stories like you have been is a good way to be productive.

Good point. I don't always get social cues due to my ASD, and I don't really wanna end up in the same category as alienrun.

Gonna just stick to earning a Top Rater trophy.

:/

Okay here you go and stop whining. It isn't often that people read through your work and get very thorough

Fine, I finished reading through it. Maybe I'm not the target demographic, but I get why it isn't working. It's because it isn't that funny.

funny

I get what you were going for; edgy humor, Nazis, being politically incorrect and such. However, you make your humor feel so dated that I would legit think it is written in 2016 by an actual Alt right neonazi. If that was what you were going for, you got their "humor" exactly correct. 

I felt that this story threads a weird uncanny valley of edgyness. It really flip flops between the subtext literally agreeing with the weird racist/other bad views of the main character and at times normally disavowing his stances. For example, killing your sister earns scorn from your neonazi buddies. However, at the same time you get scenes where black people are exactly acting like the racist stereotypes the protagonist thinks they are. 

"Fuck da police! Black Powah!!!!" Was one of such lines and then black men raping you and stuff.

I was thinking while reading it: "wasn't it the point that the protagonist is delusional and thinks everyone is going to get them?"

And at the end of most endings you always relate it back to some thing that happened in the news (immigrants, BLM, the MeToo movement). Frankly that is one of the big reasons why it feels so dated. 

More ABout the edginess

It is without a purpose. Sigh.... Okay, lemme explain it more clearly. For a story that ends their endings with all kinds of "messages", it surprisingly doesn't have a clear vision.

Like, edginess is like a spice. You sprinkle it in, but don't do it too much or otherwise it will become nasty. 

And you, my guy, added so many unnecessary edgyness into your story that you muddle your vision. Your story should clearly be about a loser incel with a rich politician dad who thinks that being a terrorist is cool. So ehh, why the incest? 

I get the rape parts a little bit, but why the incest? I felt it didn't add much to anything. frankly, the part what makes incest fun to write about, is the taboo associated with it and that it is often not very consensual or the participants are not very mentally sound. Well, you wrote their relationship kinda just like a regular relationship. If you changed the sister character into another rich friend, not much of the story and their relationship would really change that much. So, it felt as if it was only for shock value.

Sometimes I think you didn't go far enough. That is kinda the problem I have when I read such "edgy" stories. They never make it horrifying enough that the stuff lingers. When Ford was talking about action scenes, with making sure not to linger to much, I also have another piece of advice. LINGER ON STUFF YOU WANT TO EMPHASIZE. For example, when you killed and raped the maid, you only wrote it as one short paragraph. I think you could have made it so much more graphic and really amped up the maid's reaction. Then when your sister is horrified by it, her feelings feel even more justified.

Treat edginess the same as dark moments in stories.

To add to that, the reason why lots of dark stories have some cute nicer scenes, is to give readers a contrast and established normal. If the "normal" is the protagonist being raised in a sweet happy family in the countryside, then this family being horrifyingly murdered and raped would feel much more like a kick in the guts than when the protag is in an already shitty situation from the very beginning.

This is the same with edginess and why you often have a "straight man" in these stories. That is a character to balance out the silly nonsense in your over the top world. Even in the wacky stories of lovesick, tales of the basement and Suzy, you can find these types of characters. They set the normal in the stories and the other characters will often transgress that which makes their edginess even more apparent.

what I did like

the protagonist is a prick and has such a strong voice, that I can see him speaking in real life. Entitled, prickly prick, sexist, racist and all kinds of vices in one package. Wouldn't want to meet him in real life, but his voice makes reading through the duller section a lot more enjoyable.

THe duller sections

I also do it a lot when I am very much hastily writing everything down, but like many, you also just infodumped everything in the first page. The infodump about your father being rich and a politician and such is a lot more entertaining due to the strong voice, but you could've made the infodump a lot less egregious.

Frankly, I found it a missed opportunity to never see the protag interacting with his dad. Why not have him and his dad fight when doing a phone call in the beginning of the story? You can just sprinkle every detail you want in their dialogue. Plus, you don't have to spell out his motivations that much anymore like you did now, because we then see an example why the protag hates his dad so much.

Oh yeah, none of the characters are very memorable. None of them have as much personality as the protagonist. I know little to nothing about his sister, Greg, the maid, his dad and the neonazis. It makes his interactions with them a little less fun. There is not a lot to riff on each other. The closest is maybe his sister who commented on his over controlling nature. However, the closest insult the protag comes up for her is "bitch" :/. If she had a little more of a defined personality the insults would probably be more funny.

in short

your edgy writing frankly feels dull, lacks punch and yet, it also feels unnecessary at times. Please think before you add anything.

 

Darius' comment convinced me to read it now.

It feels like Walmart Love sick, as mizal said... kinda reminds me of walmart tales 2, even.

Now I gave it an 8 because Ford can suck cock, but I will say this: I am probably the person on this website this story is most likely to appeal to... and I was only mildly entertained.

The ideas I loved, and some lines were pure poetry:

Naturally, the black community can't resist an opportunity to scream race war every chance they get (the fact that your victims were not black apparently was no big deal)

 or

while the rest of your lot is robbing people of their valuables, and robbing the women of their clothing and virtue.

But the entire story was dragged down by very amateurish writing.

If you had given this to an experienced writer, to reword and rewrite basically everything while keeping the same plot (and the strong protagonist voice), this would be an amazing story.

As is, if the Neo-Nazi of the website is only mildly entertained... you've got some work to do.

Thank you. I agree that I don't have much experience with writing storygames. I feel that as time progresses and I get more practice, it should improve.

I appreciate the advice. Thank you. 

You suck.

Sorry, thought I was Ford there for a minute, I just read the title of the thread and replied based on that