Player Comments on Edithe Zilonis

This was an extremely enjoyable game, and possible one of my favourite premises for a game on the site. I knew I was going to love it as soon as I read the synopsis. I love ghost stories and I love murder mysteries, so to see the two combined so well was a real treat!

There isn’t an awful lot negative I can think to say about this game. I suppose one thing that stood out to me is that the fact that, with half of the choices you made, the game then forced you to make the other choice… Which kind of made it feel more like a short story than a game. That said, that’s not really a bad thing. It was a really interesting story, and it grabbed my attention enough that I kept going back to see the brief parts of the story I’d missed out on.

There was only one major, major problem I had with this game, and it gave me a real fucking headache. Towards the end, there’s a whole bunch of sections where none of the speech uses quotation marks, ie;

Bob said, hi Andy, how’s it going?

I replied, great thanks, and you?

Bob said, fine and dandy!

This is just… Wrong. They’re having a conversation. I mean, it’s fine not to use quotations if you’re just giving a brief summary of what they’re saying like, “Bob thanked me,” or “Bob told me about a three hour wanking session he’d had the other night,” but in these instances, what they were saying was actual word for word dialogue. There should be speech marks, damn it!

Only other complaint I can think to make is that the maturity level feels a little low for me. You call this a PG? The game has bloody necrophilia in it… Kind of… Sort of… Not really… Either way, all the murder and shit should at least make it a PG 13.

Other than that… It was brilliant! The illustrations were gorgeous and I really think they added to the game a lot. The plain line art style matched the tone of the game perfectly. I really liked the main character, and thought it was interesting that he preferred the company of the dead to that of the living. I found him really complex and relatable.

Also, weird as it might be, by far my favourite part of the story was the brief part at the beginning where you get to learn a little about one of the Undertaker’s previous clients, and also the part at the end when you learn about the brief time they spent with the Undertaker before moving on. I restarted the game four times so that I could learn everything about all four of them. I just found it really touching, reading about the different ways in which these four completely different people had to come to terms with their death. Kind of makes me want to write a POV story with a ghost as the protagonist.

Anyway, to sum up… Absolutely loved it! ^_^

This is a fantastic spin on the traditional murder mystery with magical and mystical elements woven into the narration in a manner so splendid that I never thought to question them at any point in the story. Because of the way the narration is presented, the protagonist speaking with the dead felt frighteningly natural; I never felt the need to have this strange ability explained to me. Which brings me to my next point, exposition. When dealing with fantastical abilities and events, over-explaining them often makes them lose a certain mysterious charm which in turn causes them to be tedious and boring. This is not the case here. Just enough information about the mystical and occult elements in the story is given to make me wonder and theorize about them thus making them interesting to me, and yet they are not laid bare in front of me so that I might lose interest on account of the mystery being explained to me as if I were a preschooler.
The characters I found to be endearing and quite likeable, particularly the undertaker. The dedication and love he showed for his work, as well as the involvement and receptiveness he continually shows to his charges are quite enjoyable as a reader. Edithe comes out as a strong and determined young woman with a golden heart and a gentle soul, which is always good and welcome. The undertaker’s sister’s brief appearances are also worthy of note, and I personally quite liked the vengeful spirit/regretful estranged sibling character that she represents.
This may not be a traditional CYOA, and as far as I could tell it has only two endings (though I may be wrong), with the various decisions you make along the way mainly dictating what information you received and how. This may sound like a complaint, but it most certainly isn’t. This kind of narration perhaps benefits much more out of having a more or less structured path. The author was clearly trying to tell a specific, concise tale and adding multiple paths and endings in an effort to make it more in line with the norm here would have likely caused the story and its intricacies to suffer as a result.
I did feel that the story ended rather abruptly, with the realization about the murderer’s state of being, the confrontation with him and the actual ending all happening in quick succession. Personally, I would have liked to learn more about the murderer and his motives. Was he Edithe’s father? Why did he kill Edithe and the sister?
In any event, this is a very good story with excellent illustrations that really do a wonderful job of setting the tone for the entire story and conveying both the physical appearance and personality of the characters they describe. All in all, this is a fun and interesting story that everyone should take the time to read from start to finish. Several times, if possible.

Edithe Zilonis is overall a well-done story, and I would happily read another from the same author.

I quite liked the narration style and the occasional pages talking about the past or some other event. It gave the story the feel that it was actually written by the main character and narrator as a memoir of sorts. It also gave it a somewhat different feel from anything I can remember reading on here, which was quite nice.
I felt that there was a right amount of explanation to the fantasy elements to the story to leave me unconfused without bogging down the narration. I would have liked to maybe see a bit more about the whole murder and the motivations for it and such though, considering the category this was in.
There were not any mechanical errors that stood out to me—definitely nothing that broke the flow of the story.
Although not necessary, the illustrations were a nice touch as well.

However, it would have been really nice to have more real choices, I thought. The vast majority of choices had no real effect on the story, and while some like that could have added to the before mentioned memoir feeling, it is too much for every choice to be that way. Most of the choices seemed to only determine whether the reader would get an extra page to read. The format is reminiscent of the CoG style of games in that way.
If you are into that format, then that is fine, and you faggot who reads reviews before stories will like this. However, I am not, and branching means a lot to me.

I recommend this interesting and unique story, but with the warning that it is better considered as a sort of interactive novella than as a CYOA.

I really liked this story. It’s lacking in a few elements that are usually found in CYOA games, but makes up for it with delightful bonus aspects.


Good:

1. As with Basement Rats, the prose was memorably very good. Everything, from the names and relationships between the characters to dialogue, was polished and charming

2. A strong and unique premise

3. The illustrations, of course

4. I also liked the callfront to Basement Rats

5. If the entire story was meant to be a part of the book that the narrator was writing and Alyda would later publish, then that was a brilliant stroke. If not, then it was still a very pleasant coincidence


Bad:

1. The linear nature of the story made most reader choices have almost no impact on the story


Nitpicks:

1. A few missing words and typos

2. The main mystery of Edithe’s murder and murderer could have been developed further


Did anyone else notice that you were *this* close to making out with your sister?

Wow. You have a strong voice and I like the flow of your words. The art was a wonderful compliment to the work and the structure of the story. That structure was refreshing - at times a biography or memory, at others a coldly objective report. All woven through the supernatural. Really nice piece.

What a great introduction to this site! :) It was short, yet it introduced the basic mechanics of how a Storygame works. :D

A few notes though, I found that some parts ended too quick, if that made any sense. I felt like it was a little underwhelming (or maybe I didn't choose the right options?).

Overall, this Storygame was a delight to read!

Haven't read a more cheerful yet melancholic story in some time. The subtle humour ingrained with the lessons of life are just right, not too preachy. The different micro paths surely add to the replayability. I'd come back to this over and over. Great job!

What a brilliant story. The five stories I have read thus far surpass even my memories of the historical stories on the site. Well written, engaging, introspective, demonstrates a complex relationship between two characters, there is change and growth. The tone is one of wonder and foreboding and excitement all wrapped up in a tight package. The excellent art and style was placed sparingly and perfectly. 8/8

We enjoyed it, sure, but where's all the ghost sex?

OMG So long. Its ok

Beautifully, beautifully done. Loved every minute of this. This is a well-designed story. The setup, the tone, the conclusion are all perfectly arranged and well written.

Pretty well-written and a nice read overall! Some things are a bit ambiguous, but perhaps things are meant to be that way (or are revealed through exploring other choices and the sequels).

truly an incredible story with a unique plot. i don’t like to read unless it’s really good, but if this was a book, reading it would be the only activity i do for an entire day or two. wow.

The Mad Hatter's Daughter has given us a wonderful story with mystery, action, loss and love

so intriguing! enjoyable to play!

Let me start by saying that the beginning, and most especially the mid-game of this story were phenomenal. Though the start caught my interest, after about 10 minutes of reading, I found myself hooked.

I began to deeply care for the characters, especially Edithe. I was genuinely sad she was dead, and that's not a thought I expected to have in a murder mystery about ghosts. There was some point where the protagonist mentioned he was sorry that Edithe would have to move on to the afterlife, and I found myself growing almost angry. He seemed a bit callous, I thought, towards poor Edithe, who had found herself torn away from her life. I wonder - why was he so insistent that he bring others to the next life? Why not let some of them stay? Why not explain to them why leaving would be in their best interest, instead of forcing them to? Was leaving truly even in their best interest? And why did he refuse to so much as tell Edithe his name, despite all the time they shared together?

I didn't like how sometimes the protagonist would reflect badly on some of the other people he'd helped, either, like Damon Ellsworth. Most of the time, though, I did not think of the protagonist as callous. He seemed to genuinely care for Edithe, and had respect for the dead people he helped to move on. Their relationship was sweet, and honestly felt very meaningful. I could feel the lingering sadness that it was not to be. I do wish he'd focused a little less on describing Edithe's appearance, at times. I also wish that the options where you were nicer to Edithe impacted their romance, and perhaps the ending.

Edithe's character was extremely likable. For a dead person, she was just so lively, so full of spirit. Her fiery energy and humour were a breath of fresh air. (SPOILERS:) There was one line where the protagonist asked her if she wished to go to Heaven, and she answered no, for she did not like the colour white. I thought this was hilarious, and it was also excellent foreshadowing for what was to come.

The writing itself was amazing, too. Everything flowed so well. Though it was written in prose, the language just seemed so poetic. For example, consider the cleverness of this line: "My father had been an undertaker, but could not speak to the dead. My mother could speak to the dead, but had not been an undertaker." Every pause, every word choice seemed to convey the way a real person would think, should we be able to hear their inner monologue. I do not feel simply like I read a story. I feel like I truly became the undertaker. You truly did an amazing job with both the writing style and your characterization.

I was a bit disappointed in the ending of the story. The writing quality never dipped - it was always quite good - but I feel like the mystery was never truly explained. (SPOILERS:) Perhaps I simply didn't fully understand what the writer was trying to convey. But when they catch the murderer, the protagonist remarks that it is him, carrying his own lunch. At first, I thought this was some sort of bizarre time travel twist. Then, I clicked on 'stop the man', and realized the protagonist was simply imagining himself in the murderer's place? I missed this the first time around, and only realized it after re-reading the scene. Then I went back and re-read through the other choice (to warn Edithe), and the protagonist remarks on feeling like he might be trapped in some sort of time loop? That he feels like he met Edithe before? If so, that would be a brilliant twist...but it's never even mentioned again. And if the murderer was Edithe's father, I feel like that's not made clear.

SPOILERS: The part about the undertaker's sister was also quite clever and sweet. I like how you included it in the ending, as well. I have one question, though: how did the sister know about Edithe's murderer? Its mentioned that she died on her way to visit the undertaker, but not that the culprit was the same, nor how she knew exactly where he was.

SPOILERS: I like how your initial choice in the beginning of the story influenced the second-last page on the end. I like the implications that the undertaker's work has stayed with him, for he cares for the people he has worked with.

I also like how there were always two options present at the end of every page, but most of these options either led to an extra scene (before being forced to take the second option), or just completely moving on. I don't mind this, but I wish you'd structured the story so that I would be prompted to read through both choices before moving on. Otherwise, if I made the 'right' choice, I'd have to go back and make the wrong one to read through the extra dialogue. And I did usually do this, because your writing was very good.

Overall, this receives a 6/8 from me. I would rate it a 7 based on writing quality if my comments above were implemented.

I am really conflicted about how to judge this game, as a narrative linear experience is superb. The relationship between Edithe and the undertaker is wonderfully crafted. If this were a traditional novel this will a 7 or an 8. But as an interactive experience... It doesn't feel so, choices are in the way; the puzzle part is in the way of the really interesting point the dialogue and the atmosphere of a perfectly crafted work.

I missed the choice to say I am a theist or Not believe in heaven or hell. The choices that are there are weird for the character personality that is quite not really faithful

Fantastic story, definitely top 5 on this site. It blended supernatural romance with a intriguing murder mystery flawlessly. Great job!

Spoilers below, beware!

This story was cute and worth the read! The characters were vivid and I loved them. There was no branching as far as I saw, just links to different side information that was not necessary. I felt compelled to go and read most of it.

The romantic element of this story was perfect! As a hopeless romantic my heart melted! It broke when I realized that as they started their relationship, the girl he loved was already dead! The ending did a good job of providing a happy ending that made sense, I was a fan. I am crying right now actually, and will for the rest of my life. Very original take on a love story.

The art was also a nice touch, if you drew that your self props! I have everything a 6/8.

That being said there were a few issues, I almost rated it a bit lower, but read my paragraph on the love story again. Good, now for the issues:

- it read clunky at times. At first I just thought it was the writing style, because the grammar isn’t bad (I am bad at grammar but I didn’t think it was an issue). Then I found the problem. Small unimportant words were added or left out of sentences in some places. Words like: the, is, it, etc. some examples are:
“... physically capable, and of perhaps...” also “... slipped her are under mine, walked along...”
This may have been a style choice, but the undertaker seemed well read and educated. Seemed like more of a mistake.

- in several places there was an incorrect word in a sentence and that was distracting. Hardly noticeable most of the time though. See page “continue” (right before you have the option to kiss the ghost) there is a sentence that reads “...they bite away their tears...”

- the biggest thing that distracted me was missing quotation marks. I think it was because in dreams often the author meant to write something like “I replied to them” which would not need quotes. But the author actually said “I replied to them and said X, Y, Z.” Without any quotations. It was not a huge deal, it was just distracting.

Summary: I cried. One of the best takes on a romance I have read on this site so far, possibly anywhere. Original and fun. I cried again. The writing just needed minor cleaning up.

This was a very interesting story. I did have some complaints about it but it was for the most part fantastic.

So the few complaints I have are pretty much what has been said in other reviews. There seems to be a lack of quotation marks at some points which makes it a bit difficult to tell if the people are talking or my character is just thinking. I did also notice a few times where a sentence went something like, "And he had black hair, and he had pale skin, and he wore a black suit." and it feels a bit clumsy I guess? It's a bit hard to tell with the commas whether things were written in a way that was supposed to be stylized or whether it was just written that way. And the last real complaint I had was that it was very linear. Many of the pages with choices had only choose two options. If you choose the first, you move on. But if you choose the second, then you get some extra information or dialogue then are left with only picking the first choice. I really don't mind linearity as much as some people do, but this was much more of a story than a game. A very good story, mind you.

Now, onto the good stuff. I think I pretty much have to mention the artwork. It must have taken an awful lot of work to make all of that and I really did enjoy it. Sometimes adding character portraits can be a bad thing in stories like this but I really think you managed to nail it. And you didn't use them as a crutch by not explaining their appearances in the story. The artwork was just a bit of added flavor. So great work on that.

The characters were all very well written. I found that Edithe was a joy to converse with. She was very funny and confident, but also afraid and stubborn. It made a good contrast to the undertaker who was a rather calm and stoic individual. I also really liked the characters we talk about formerly laying to rest. It was interesting to see the different reactions the dead have to being laid to rest. About what they deserve and what they've done.

I also really liked learning about our undertaker's ability. I honestly wish we could have seen more interactions between the undertaker and the deceased, or maybe touched on his abilities a bit more. It must be fascinating to talk to the dead. I also would be interested in knowing just how many other people have this ability. Our mother seems to have it, and so do we. Our family is at least aware of it but our sister is said not to have it. Is it genetic? At first I thought the undertaker was simply crazy and that it was all in his head, until Edithe kicked a kid and he doubled over in pain. Then our mother saw him and now I'm convinced some magic stuff is going on. But either way it was a very fascinating plot.

So I know I said the complaints were over, but I do have one more minor gripe. The whole murder mystery part felt a bit, lackluster maybe. I mean, I really enjoyed talking with Edithe and everything but the whole mystery just felt kind of secondary in a way. I mean, we end up catching the guy and yet we don't really figure out who he even is, at least not that I could tell. He was apparently a ghost but his motivations were unclear to me. It just seemed like the story could have gone a bit deeper into the murder mystery aspect, or simply have just been about trying to convince Edithe to move on and the moral dilemma that goes along with that.

I did think that the ending was very nice though. I wish we could choose to go to heaven. After all, our family and Edithe are there, and being an undertaker alone is just kind of sad to me. It was a well written ending, but a sad ending. The ending where Edithe and the undertaker both become ghosts was really sweet though. I really enjoyed that one.

So overall, despite having a few complaints I really did enjoy this story. It was well written and really pulled you in. Much more of a story than a game, but thats not necessarily a bad thing. You have a lot of talent MHD, and I really hope to see more from you in the future.

After reading and reviewing a lot of the stories on the site, I’ve gotten to the point where I can tell by the first page the rating number I’m most likely going to end up on. Obviously the number changes depending on the actual story, but you can get a deep feel for the storygame’s quality by the opening page. I was blown away after reading the first page of this story. It’s intriguing, engaging, and visually appealing. Just by reading the first page, I knew this game was going to be a 6 or higher.

It’s hard not to comment on the beautiful images, so I’ll make this brief. They’re wonderful and invite a greater experience to the story. The style of the artwork is perfectly fitting to the story’s tone and characters. Simply put, they’re bitchin’.

To the actual writing itself. First person stories are always a nice surprise on the site. Second person POV can get mundane at times and can easily trap the author into starting every sentence with the same ol’ “you do this, you feel that”. The style and POV fits the story well, although I did take issue with some of the sentence structure. I’m not sure if MHD was going for a poetic flow, but there’s a ton of commas where they shouldn’t be. They appear so frequently that I came to the assumption it was done on purpose. Here’s an example: “It was unfortunate for everyone, because I just cleaned up a corpse and would not be getting paid, I assumed.” The dialogue punctuation is near perfect and that makes me think the extra commas were, in fact, purposely placed.

The tone of the story is very unique. I think I mentioned this in the Forums, but it slightly reminds me of Neil Gaiman. It’s creepy and yet light-hearted. We’re reading about dead people and romanticizing about them. Stuff that should be chilling, but the writing and images play to a fun story. It’s almost contradictory to explain, but a pleasant delight to read.

In my first paragraph, I mentioned knowing a story’s rating by the first page. I thought this would be a 6 or higher and I ended up giving it an 8. Obviously the lack of branching and meaningful choices hurts it a bit, but I enjoyed every other quality Edithe Zilonis provided.

needs more of her name. I didn't realise her name was Edithe Zilonis until the end. was not clear enough. thank u

Intro: Now I'm going to start off by saying this is a great game. You should definitely read it and I would definitely recommend it. If you are the type of person who reads reviews before games, I'm going to warn you that this review will spoil the entire story for young and before you read this review you should play the game. Also by all means you should play this game. It is a great game that by all means deserves to be featured. Besides one major problem I'm going to touch on later this story is magnificent.

Concept: The concept was the main reason why I was drawn to review this story. I love the whole undertaker thing, and love how it is implemented. I lean towards darker themes in general so that definitely helps. I also the whole afterlife thing, and how you are judged before judges and get to pick where you go is great, and it is implemented great as well. I would of liked to see it explored more, but given the focus of the story I see why it wasn't.

Plot: The plot itself is pretty basic, though the way it is written makes it go from basic to amazing. While a girl getting murdered and you having to find out who did it may be basic, the story puts a lot of different spins on it that turns this into a story worth telling. That combined with how well it is written and this is a must read. I can't pick out what, but something about the authors writing puts this story on a whole new tier. Even though the plot is kind of basic, the concept and characters are the main driving force for me. Speaking of...

Characters: I absolutely love the characters in this. The undertaker himself feels like an old man, though it is stated later that that is not the case. The girl herself has a flaring personality that contrasts nicely with the more reserved, sweet, and caring vibes I got from the undertaker, and their senses of humor pair nicely.

Structure: This is my biggest complaint with the story overall. The story itself is very liner, with the only major decision being the final one and all that one determines is what ending you get. Honestly if it just had more paths or just something to make it more of a cyoa the quality would be improved drastically. Though I would rather have this than a story that branched, and because of that the story suffered because of it. But if you can keep this quality of writing, and add branching, then do that.

Word count:13.6k. Overall not a bad length, though not a terribly long one either. Though in this story's case I think I prefer this length. It makes a decent read while not being too long as to be overwhelming. Also the fact that it is short means that it is nice and compact, and that makes it so that it is interesting throughout.

Spelling and grammar: Amazing. Noticed a few things, but nothing to detract from the story.

Conclusion: Definitely a story worth reading. I would be interested to read more from the same author. I have to give this game a 6/8. The writing was amazing, and the only bug flaw was the branching. If that had been fixed I would have given it a 7, but as it is it is a welcome addition to the featured page.

This is a very well-written story. I'm not entirely sure how much actual branching occurs; the length of the entire storygame is 13,000 words, and my read-through was quite lengthy, leading me to suspect, by sheer mathematics, that there aren't a great number of multiple endings. Most of the choices seemed to be about letting my decide how information was provided, if I want to talk to Person A or Person B, and so forth.

Which I don't say as a complaint. When I saw this story was published last week and took a peek at it and knew it was going to be a hit. So I'm very glad I took some time to read it today. The scene is set well (although I was unsure about the time period, due to the mention of carriages, freezers, and electricity); the characterizations were told in an interesting way, with just enough detail to help me understand the story, but without the need to overexplain things I don't need to know; and the overall story offers a satisfying amount of mystery.

This is a fine story, and I'd like to see more from this author.