Lone Star

Player Rating3.16/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 24 ratings since 06/01/2018
played 159 times (finished 26)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

A man and his flag. Fallout Fanfic

Player Comments

It was alright. The writing was fine. I never played Fallout, but I got a huge Old West vibe from the story which I'll assume was your intention. If you just posted this story in a liniar form in the Creative Corner, I'd have rather liked it. Your writing was solid, and I liked the terrain's description on the first page participial.

However, this's a storygame. There were only two types of choices, die immediately and chose between the two endings. At least make it two pages until the protagonist dies. Plus, the death pages seemed very short.

Also, there's the length. This was short, almost as if you wrote this at the last moment... If the story was longer, I'd have given it a higher rating.

On the plus side, there was 'Murika. Hurrah. It was a bit different to see something patriotic (that isn't Irish) around here.

I would like to see more from you. A storygame that you spend more time on would be quite enjoyable to read. At least you published your first storygame (that I'm aware of). Congratulations!
-- WouldntItBeNice on 6/2/2018 12:08:38 AM with a score of 0
Childish Gamino's "This is America" kept getting stuck in my head when reading this.

*spoilers*

The author describes a somewhat believable post-apocalyptic world (aside from the giant snake), but the story is so short there is no real opportunity to explore it. Granted, the post-nuclear holocaust has been done ad naseum, but a longer, more complex story could have given something very interesting. I would have liked to explore this world more.

The emotional pull of this storygame, I believe, depends on three things: How you view patriotism, and how you view what "home" means, and how you view the dreams of your fathers, grandfathers, and grandmothers, etc, and what their stories mean to you.

If I had a complaint, it's simply that a post-apocalyptic world with giant rattlesnakes really should include conflict with the remnants of human civilization, a little fighting for survival, some relationships forged and lost during the struggle not only to live but to find something worth living for. This storygame only touches on the very last part of that, and it barely touches on it. There was a lot of room to explore that existential crisis a lot further.

In short, there is a lot of potential here that could be explored, if only the storygame wasn't only 2600 words long (not that I'm one to talk, since my stories have all been short, but this story had the potential to explore an entire world that was completely and irrevocably changed... perhaps the inevitable nuclear battle between Donald Trump and The Glorious Leader of North Korea, with Putin riding shirtless on a grizzly bear).
-- Fluxion on 6/1/2018 8:03:54 AM with a score of 0
Well, it's interesting to finally see something from Coins. Let's get into it.

The writing was adequate, although it had issues in areas. The language was strange. I felt you were trying hard enough to use advanced language like metaphors and similes, but in ways that didn't really work. Things like "cold metal buildings kissing the sky" didn't really work, because the atmosphere is supposed to be cold and dark, while "kissing" doesn't exactly work with that.

The choices were also lacking in places. "Shoot and continue" or "Stab and die" not only isn't an important choice, it's not even a real choice because I don't have any information for it. I didn't even know I had a gun, or a knife, how am I supposed to make a choice? Is ammo scarce, or am I loaded? What's going on? What am I supposed to decide here? It's kind of like saying "I know there should be a choice here, so flip and coin and continue my single path.

Even worse, the choice doesn't make sense. Either way, my attack fails, but if I chose to shoot it, for no reason whatsoever, there's some guy to kill it for me, but if not... that's it. Nothing.

The next choice is pretty much the same thing. "Continue or die." Then another "Continue or die." And one last one deciding which ending. There wasn't really any actual choice going on in it, it was more like a short story with a few bits extra written where if the character had tried to change the story in any way, he would've died, for reasons.

In regards to the overall story, even though I'm a massive Fallout fan, I don't actually recognize the main character, and I'm not sure if he's even a canonical character. If not, I have no idea why this would even need to be Fallout, since it's just post-apocalyptic and doesn't have the 60s element Fallout relies on, or even the sci-fi element. It really doesn't seem like it would need to be a Fallout game at all, and if it's lacking the core element, themes and canonical thing, I question what the point was of tying it to Fallout in the first place. Unless I'm mistaken, but there probably is a fair bit of a problem if a serious fan can't tell what you're referencing.

Overall, it was a very short story, but given the amount of work and time that was put in and how a looming deadline stood there, it was actually alright, plus it did save you account. Obviously due to how little was there there couldn't be much of a plot, there was no setting development and we didn't get a huge deal of character stuff, but that'll normally be the case in such short works. Anyway, good job actually getting something out, well done on the game and best of luck in the contest.
-- Steve24833 on 6/1/2018 7:47:42 AM with a score of 0
i liked your style of writing but i think it should have been longer
-- zenrobert on 6/20/2018 6:49:30 PM with a score of 0
You got a one on principle. First choice had a death choice. That's an auto minimum score. Beyond that, it was utterly linear.

On the positive side, the writing quality wasn't bad. You could have placed well in the contest if you actually wrote a CYOA.
-- Bucky on 6/1/2018 7:49:37 PM with a score of 0
This was an interesting story, the characters were pretty well developed from the start. My only issue is with the brevity of the story length and general sprinkle of dead end choices (which I'm chalking up to the contest deadline).
It seemed like the character had a good background, only to me it seems like someone hardened with ten long years of the wasteland would be a little less emotional.
In the world of Fallout ten years is a LONG time to have survived, and I know, everyone has their soft spots/issues that make them emotional in some sort of fashion. But I feel as though most people, who had some wasteland stranger crying on their back, would just figure the guy is a little bitch and beat him, take his shit, and leave him for dead (or worse).
All in all this was a great story, and I hope to see more stories from you, or this story but expanded upon. Good work.
-- corgi213 on 6/1/2018 7:01:52 PM with a score of 0
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