Player Rating3.46/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 33 ratings since
played times (finished )

Story Difficulty2/8

"walk in the park"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level2/8

"choking hazard for children under 4"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 6. To compare to the movie rating system, this would be G.

Hey guys! I'm not sure what you will think of this.


So here it is:

This is a story I've been working on for about a year.
It has no links, except to end the story. the intro in the actual story can explain what you need to know. Just tell me if you have any suggestions, remember, this is an actual story, not a story-game. It is still in the making. As it is only about 30-35 pages long (on microsoft office word), it is far from done. Tell me what you think and keep your comments appropriate!


No swearing on my page, please!

Or other foul language!


Thank you!

Player Comments

This was not a storygame. It was seven pages in a row with no choices.
-- MinnieKing on 1/9/2017 1:11:21 PM with a score of 0
Much more story than game as it was very linear, there's still points to give to this since I did enjoy the writing.
-- TharaApples on 9/9/2016 1:05:35 AM with a score of 0
Well, it's a very long and detailed story, which is great. Although, it's JUST a story. It's good, but it wasn't a story game which is what this site's purpose is.
-- Shadowulf on 5/26/2016 6:07:12 AM with a score of 0
Not that bad, really. Could have been extended longer though...
-- CurseOfTime on 3/23/2016 8:23:27 PM with a score of 0
It i so boring you just read books
-- uhhhh..... on 12/5/2015 11:52:21 AM with a score of 0
Well I can see you've clearly put a lot of effort into this story and I'm sure you'll improve as you get older. I suppose the main piece of advice I'd give you is that generally, you need to use a different paragraph every time a different person speaks. For example:
"Hello." Said Fred. "My name is Fred."
"Hi Fred!" Said Bob.
-- Briar_Rose on 2/9/2014 11:12:28 AM with a score of 0
I tried to fix it.
-- ReaganPenn on 1/11/2014 4:31:15 PM with a score of 0
Okay thanks, I'll try to separate them soon.
-- ReaganPenn on 1/11/2014 1:58:06 PM with a score of 0
Not bad, but you really need to clean up the giant paragraph spacing problems - they are terribly distracting. Also some of your paragraphs could benefit from being broken into more segments, to avoid huge walls of text.
-- BerkaZerka on 1/11/2014 1:44:20 PM with a score of 0
Here its done, i separated the chapters for you so you had some real links to click on. Hope you like it! I want some feedback, negative or positive. Although, I hope its all positive! hahahahahahahahahahahaha :P
-- ReaganPenn on 1/11/2014 12:32:31 PM with a score of 0
Show All Comments