First, the disclaimers: this is my review. It is likely not like anyone else’s. In fact, you probably couldn’t find anyone else who completely agrees with what I write here. But it’s my opinion. I’m also writing this as I read through this for the first time. These are my first impressions as I read it. I’m not saying they’re right, just what I’m thinking. I haven’t looked at the other reviews or read anything else about this bit before writing this other bit. This is written in the spirit of helping you see how others (okay, me) see your story and to perhaps give you ideas for improvement, and not to be mean or anything else. Please don’t take it personally. This review is likely worth exactly what you paid for it. Finally, you did ask.
Here we go:
I realize this (what you wrote) is very short. So I’m preparing for something without a lot of context. That’s going to affect how I read this because I may have to make a lot of assumptions around what I’m reading. Also, I tend to make pictures in my brain when I read things, that’s how my brain works. So as I read what you’ve written, I will have a movie in my head. And yes, I will have popcorn with lots and lots of butter. And salt because it tastes good.
The first sentence I had to read twice, mainly because I don’t have context, but also the word “her” followed immediately by “he.” After reading it twice, it makes sense. It might be slightly bland, as with the darkness flowing, I’m picturing some kind of demon/devil shapeless thing pointing maybe into a crystal ball or mirror, the target of the other thing that hasn’t been introduced yet, who is sitting at a breakfast table, eating a bowl of something they think is Cheerios, but is really the remains of some freshly killed thing that the darkness guy is feeding the person to prepare them to take over the target. I say “slightly bland” in the sense that perhaps he doesn’t just ask, but maybe there’s more feeling there, like his voice oozing or something like that. Maybe not, as I usually quite a fan of “said” and “asked,” but maybe.
Next sentence: whoops. It’s me. I’m the one who thinks they’re eating Cheerios. But wait, now I actually know (because I found out in the first sentence, according to this review) that I’m eating a dead slimy thing. Oh well, I’ll just throw some more catsup on it. No wait, it’s not me, it’s a first person narrative. Okay, I get it now. I was confused there, just for a minute (that’s for mizal). I’m not sure why his voice can’t be in my ear (I get it after reading all the context), but that’s based on the darkness guy standing next to the guy who thinks he’s eating cereal but who is about to possess a girl.
Oh wait, the person takes a step. They’re not sitting down. And if they’re not seated, I guess they don’t have any Cheerios. Well, I mean, of course they could be walking around eating a bowl of cereal, but who does that? See what I mean about context? I’m going to go back to the start to read again, now that I know there’s no Cheerios involved.
I’m not completely sure I like the “I step forward, trembling legs beneath me…” bit. I think it might make more sense with “my” added in there, just making it clear that the legs that are trembling are mine, and not someone else’s that I’m just walking over in this realm of the dead without Cheerios. Now I’ve got a scene where the darkness guy is there, the other person is there (sans Cheerios), and the blind girl is there. But I don’t know where “there” is. Right now in my mind the three of them are kind of floating around in a pocket in space and time where there’s no background and nothing else. Not really darkness, but just a place in the void where there isn’t anything else.
Do Crickets eat skin? I don’t care, that’s just nasty. I’m a little off with you feasting after the crickets have already stripped the body. Now I could get it if the crickets just ate the skin, which it started to seem like, but at the end of that section, the body became a husk, and in my mind, that’s kind of a desiccated husk (and I know you didn’t say that, that’s what I pictured), so I had to go back to put something on the body for you to feast on.
Two pieces of phrasing in the last section that were curious to me: “I place it too in my mouth.” Too means also, what is the first part? In other words, you’re placing meat in, but if you’re placing meat in TOO, what is the other thing that you’re putting in there? “Blood runs past my lips.” I’m not sure which way the blood is going? Are you being a messy eater and the blood is going past your lips and dripping down your chin? Or is the blood going the other way as you carefully insert the meat (too) in your mouth? Not a big deal, just not completely clear to me.
Overall, as others have said, quite nicely done. No major complaints, just a little confusion (mainly for mizal’s benefit, of course), but a lot of that’s based on the shortness of the bit and the idea that I don’t have the setting in mind when I start reading. Once I realize where it is and what’s going on, it does make sense with just a few notes, as I’ve mentioned above.
Oh, and yes, congratulations on the … promotion? Demotion? DNA test? Ah, I don’t know. You do seem quite capable and I do hope you’ll hang around and have fun with us in this little, mostly unknown corner of the Internet.
