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Green Smoke Rising completed!

7 days ago
Commended by EndMaster on 11/24/2021 10:58:26 AM
This may end up getting overshadowed by the noob brackets, but my book is finally finished and you can read it here:

Obviously this is a lot of words, way more than I actually expect anybody to get through since you’re all such busy people, but even if you just give the first chapter a read and review I’d be infinitely thankful. Here’s the blurb since I understand diving into something with no pretext can be daunting:
“ Through dense forests and winding rivers, past sprawling plains and icy seas: a morbid wager of betrayal and love is being bet. From the spiral stone of the south to the blight grass of the barren north: the meat grinder of war churns with the flesh of the races of Pân. Across the castles and campgrounds of the planet a far more dangerous game is being played. Plots and schemes, conspiracies and assassination: all will come to fruition or fail and fall as frost battles flame on the Avanti Isles. The crow and the snail circle one another, the eagle has fled from the sun, the goat has been cast down by the shepherd. Summer sends its armies across the world, winter responds with ruthless retaliation and, above it all, in the cold, crepuscular, sky: the eye of the moon begins to blink...”

Hope you all enjoy!


6 days ago

Jesus Christ, this is impressive.  You've got well over 200 pages, and if they're all of the same quality as the "Pregame greeting" section, that's a lot of really good work.  Kudos!  It takes a lot of hard work to finish a novel.

I've read the "Pregame greeting" section, and your writing is excellent so far.  Your sentence structure and dialogue flows very nicely, and I only saw a couple typos.  You established your setting and characters quickly and efficiently, including plenty of intriguing hints about the world, without overwhelming the reader.  What I've read so far is certainly a strong opening.

I can't give a much more detailed analysis on your plot and characters until I've read the whole thing, and that will take... uh, a while, I'm not sure exactly how long.  But I do intend to come back and give some more detailed feedback once I have.  Is there anything specific I should be looking out for while I'm reading?


6 days ago
First of all, thanks for giving this a shot since it isn’t the type of text this site is known for (eg: it isn’t a CYOA).

As for things that are specifically what you should be looking for:
-Motifs. There are a few but I’ll list the ones I like best: eggs, flys and bird imagery. I’m interested to see if what I’m trying to get at with this shines through in the text.
-Spelling. Obviously I don’t expect you to do a Gower and scour this for spelling issues with a red pen, but if I misspell something that completely ruins a moment then it’d be good to know so I can fix it as soon as possible.
-Characters, especially if they’re fun to read. I got quite a few comments that Aithne especially is kind of a slog to get through and isn’t relatable or likeable, so I’m interested to see if I fixed that.


3 days ago

Two quick questions:


1) From now on, do you want me to send you my chapter notes whenever they're done, or would you rather I wait until I finish the entire book?

2) If so, do you want me to post chapter notes in this thread, or PM them to you?




Readthrough notes:

-I like the theme of your chapter titles.

-You need to do a readthrough for spellling/grammar, or use an online tool that does one for you.  It’s not as bad as it might be, but there are enough mistakes to be noticed.

-Paragraphs should generally be indented.  Not a big deal, but it makes it a little easier to read.

-You start the story with “he”.  I recommend using “Alexandrian” instead.

-In Sipps coalition, should Coalition be capitalized?  I’m unsure of the grammar rules here.

-Commas after dialogue should be within the quotations, not outside of them.  Any time you start a bit of dialogue, it should be capitalized.

-“Teeth that slouched upon one another like drunken old men” is a great bit of imagery.

-The colon on your second page should probably be a semicolon.  I’m going to stop mentioning grammer/spelling stuff now, because there are online tools and resources you can use for that.

-I think you’re overusing colons, they’re good for effect, but lose impact when you use them too much.  See if you can replace a few with periods.

-Huh, you use aliteration a lot.  Interesting.  It’s a distinctive style.

-You use the word “wenches” in an odd context, did you mean “wretches”?

-You use a few obscure words.  That’s fine, just bear in mind that encountering a new word can break reader immersion.  I’d keep them for description, not emotionally tense scenes.

-I like the alliteration, but make sure you’re not forcing alliteration just for its own sake.  There’s a couple places where I think more basic wording would be clearer.

-Soulwax?  Intriguing.  You're doing a good job introducing worldbuilding elements.

-The witch’s dying scene is quite interesting and grabs the reader’s attention.  Well done.

-Generally it’s a bad idea to have your first narrator die after one chapter, but I think you pulled it off pretty well.


Plot notes:

A strong start!  You’ve clearly established the tone of your world and setting.  You establish and hint at worldbuilding elements without overwhelming or underexplaining.  It’s action-packed and well-paced, but it’s clear you’re not just starting with a battle for the sake of starting with a battle.  Most importantly, you quickly interest the reader in the world and characters, which is the most important part of an opening.

I don't have much else to say about the plot and characters yet, because this is just the first section.


3 days ago

Answers to questions: 

1) It'd be better for me to have each chapter individually as it means I can implement feedback a little at a time.

2) Stick it here. Primarily for the purpose it shows people this thread is still active, which may insentivise them to read it. 

Oh and also, thanks for the review, here's my responses/me saying 'oh yes I see that mistake and shall go rectify it'.

  • Theres some pretty fun ones once you hit the fortieth chapter. There's also a motif around them and whatever happens in the book if you know chess terminology.
  • Agreed
  • When I move this to word ill indent paragraphs because Docs tends to change the text weirdly when transitioning platforms.
  • Changed.
  • Checked and it should be. Should be changed across the text now too.
  • Thats gonna take a while to do across the whole text and is really my fault for realising I'd dug my dialogue hole halfway through writing and then deciding not to stop. I'll go over all the dialogue once it's finalised.
  • I do love a good old man tooth
  • Got it. If it becomes distracting to too many people they're out the door. Also combed through the first chapter to find removable colons!
  • Yeah I do like alliteration although it may turn out some of that needs to be struck out. If you tell me in the next few chapters if it becomes annoying I'll cull some of it.
  • Changed to a more appropriate insult
  • You'll get to learn more about soulwax pretty soon.
  • Thanks!!
  • Personally I wrote this to be Cyro's chapter from Alexander's perspective since doing it from Curo's would spoil his whole scheme. However I'm glad you enjoyed it and this feedback has been incredibly helpful!

Again, thank you for giving this a read and for the detailed (and sagely) advice, I can't wait to hear what else you have to say!!


6 days ago

I went ahead and read through the intro, and "turn one." It looks pretty interesting so far. I am hooked, so instead of reading through the first chapter and reviewing that I'll see if I can't go through the whole thing. I do have a few comments from my first read through though. “A spark in the dark always finds the fire”, Alexandria said to himself. “And that includes me.” 

I believe his name is Alexandrian?

And yet, despite all its strength and magnificence, the sun had been denied access to the proceedings.

I love this sentence. Fantastic imagery, and think it highlights that meeting quite nicely. 

“I will not use the dragons upon the Fathrione troops. I want the people we defeat to have love for me in their hearts, the flames, those... things spit will burn away any chance that has of happening,”

Maybe I am reading this one wrong, but I think that the word "spit" here is meant to be a noun possessed by the word "things." If that is correct, then make sure to add an apostrophe after the s to indicate possession properly. 

Overall this looks like a really fun read, and I hope this doesn't get lost in the duels and contest things going on.


6 days ago
As I said to Gryphon, thanks for giving this a go: I’m glad you’re hooked!

-That spelling mistake of Alexandrian’s name has been corrected: it probably won’t be the last time you see something like this, spelling is not one of my strengths.
-I’m glad you like that one, it made me smile to write.
-You’re completely right, that sentence is difficult and annoying to read. I’ve added a ‘shall’ before spit to indicate spit is a verb not a noun, good catch though I wouldn’t have seen that.

If you read more I hope you enjoy!


5 days ago
That sentence was fine how it was. "those thing's spit" wouldn't make any sense, the 'those' makes it obvious the things are plural. But adding 'shall' doesn't hurt anything of course.


4 days ago
I thought I was right there but now there’s extra sibilance in that sentence so really a win overall.

Green Smoke Rising completed!

4 days ago
Looks really good, and congrats for finally finishing. What's your distribution plan?

Green Smoke Rising completed!

4 days ago

First I'm just putting it out there and seeing what people think. Obviously I've gone through and edited around four times but I can bet somebody, somewhere, will have some critique that's worth implementing. Plus I have people I know in real life looking at it now, and I can pressure them into reading it without feeling bad. 

The next steps follow thus:

-Wait for feedback

-Implement feedback, while working on other projects and trying to get a commendation over on this site everyday 

-Im going down the publishing route because self-publishing seems far more difficult (if with the potential to be more profitable).

-Advertise the shit out of it. I have a few ideas of how to do this, but one of them is publishing 5E homebrew content related to the world since the stuff I've published in the past has been popular.

-Become rich and retire. Jokes aside the real plan from then is to continue my work on book 2 electric boogaloo. 

Green Smoke Rising completed!

3 days ago
I can bet somebody, somewhere, will have some critique that's worth implementing. Clearly you've come to the right place. You pressure your friends into reading? I just tell mine they're not cool if they don't do drugs with me. Cool well if it makes it to print, I'd buy a copy.

Green Smoke Rising completed!

2 days ago

CYS is like a holy grail of pure water in a river of shit. 

I pressure everyone I know into reading my stuff: I'm not as intimidating in real life than I clearly am on here so it dosen't tend to work.