Jesus Christ, this is impressive. You've got well over 200 pages, and if they're all of the same quality as the "Pregame greeting" section, that's a lot of really good work. Kudos! It takes a lot of hard work to finish a novel.
I've read the "Pregame greeting" section, and your writing is excellent so far. Your sentence structure and dialogue flows very nicely, and I only saw a couple typos. You established your setting and characters quickly and efficiently, including plenty of intriguing hints about the world, without overwhelming the reader. What I've read so far is certainly a strong opening.
I can't give a much more detailed analysis on your plot and characters until I've read the whole thing, and that will take... uh, a while, I'm not sure exactly how long. But I do intend to come back and give some more detailed feedback once I have. Is there anything specific I should be looking out for while I'm reading?
Two quick questions:
1) From now on, do you want me to send you my chapter notes whenever they're done, or would you rather I wait until I finish the entire book?
2) If so, do you want me to post chapter notes in this thread, or PM them to you?
-I like the theme of your chapter titles.
-You need to do a readthrough for spellling/grammar, or use an online tool that does one for you. It’s not as bad as it might be, but there are enough mistakes to be noticed.
-Paragraphs should generally be indented. Not a big deal, but it makes it a little easier to read.
-You start the story with “he”. I recommend using “Alexandrian” instead.
-In Sipps coalition, should Coalition be capitalized? I’m unsure of the grammar rules here.
-Commas after dialogue should be within the quotations, not outside of them. Any time you start a bit of dialogue, it should be capitalized.
-“Teeth that slouched upon one another like drunken old men” is a great bit of imagery.
-The colon on your second page should probably be a semicolon. I’m going to stop mentioning grammer/spelling stuff now, because there are online tools and resources you can use for that.
-I think you’re overusing colons, they’re good for effect, but lose impact when you use them too much. See if you can replace a few with periods.
-Huh, you use aliteration a lot. Interesting. It’s a distinctive style.
-You use the word “wenches” in an odd context, did you mean “wretches”?
-You use a few obscure words. That’s fine, just bear in mind that encountering a new word can break reader immersion. I’d keep them for description, not emotionally tense scenes.
-I like the alliteration, but make sure you’re not forcing alliteration just for its own sake. There’s a couple places where I think more basic wording would be clearer.
-Soulwax? Intriguing. You're doing a good job introducing worldbuilding elements.
-The witch’s dying scene is quite interesting and grabs the reader’s attention. Well done.
-Generally it’s a bad idea to have your first narrator die after one chapter, but I think you pulled it off pretty well.
A strong start! You’ve clearly established the tone of your world and setting. You establish and hint at worldbuilding elements without overwhelming or underexplaining. It’s action-packed and well-paced, but it’s clear you’re not just starting with a battle for the sake of starting with a battle. Most importantly, you quickly interest the reader in the world and characters, which is the most important part of an opening.
I don't have much else to say about the plot and characters yet, because this is just the first section.
Answers to questions:
1) It'd be better for me to have each chapter individually as it means I can implement feedback a little at a time.
2) Stick it here. Primarily for the purpose it shows people this thread is still active, which may insentivise them to read it.
Oh and also, thanks for the review, here's my responses/me saying 'oh yes I see that mistake and shall go rectify it'.
Again, thank you for giving this a read and for the detailed (and sagely) advice, I can't wait to hear what else you have to say!!
I went ahead and read through the intro, and "turn one." It looks pretty interesting so far. I am hooked, so instead of reading through the first chapter and reviewing that I'll see if I can't go through the whole thing. I do have a few comments from my first read through though. “A spark in the dark always finds the fire”, Alexandria said to himself. “And that includes me.”
I believe his name is Alexandrian?
And yet, despite all its strength and magnificence, the sun had been denied access to the proceedings.
I love this sentence. Fantastic imagery, and think it highlights that meeting quite nicely.
“I will not use the dragons upon the Fathrione troops. I want the people we defeat to have love for me in their hearts, the flames, those... things spit will burn away any chance that has of happening,”
Maybe I am reading this one wrong, but I think that the word "spit" here is meant to be a noun possessed by the word "things." If that is correct, then make sure to add an apostrophe after the s to indicate possession properly.
Overall this looks like a really fun read, and I hope this doesn't get lost in the duels and contest things going on.
First I'm just putting it out there and seeing what people think. Obviously I've gone through and edited around four times but I can bet somebody, somewhere, will have some critique that's worth implementing. Plus I have people I know in real life looking at it now, and I can pressure them into reading it without feeling bad.
The next steps follow thus:
-Wait for feedback
-Implement feedback, while working on other projects and trying to get a commendation over on this site everyday
-Im going down the publishing route because self-publishing seems far more difficult (if with the potential to be more profitable).
-Advertise the shit out of it. I have a few ideas of how to do this, but one of them is publishing 5E homebrew content related to the world since the stuff I've published in the past has been popular.
-Become rich and retire. Jokes aside the real plan from then is to continue my work on book 2 electric boogaloo.
CYS is like a holy grail of pure water in a river of shit.
I pressure everyone I know into reading my stuff: I'm not as intimidating in real life than I clearly am on here so it dosen't tend to work.