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New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago
Commended by EndMaster on 10/6/2023 1:42:20 PM

Hi, guys. It's been a while. I've been spending the past year working on a Fantasy novel. Here's a poem from that novel that explains one of the antagonist's motivations. Hope you like it. :) 

Lamentation from Silent Sepulchral Depths

High sun 

and low sun

and all the suns between.

Her father fished the sea with a wide net.

Her mother was strung on a string

and carried into the sky.

And the fisherman’s daughter danced

on the stones on the shore at high-tide.

Her jewelry was made of shells she’d string

on an old fishing line.

High-tide.

Low-tide.

The tide rolls in

and the tide rolls out.

And there is the undertow.

And dancing on the rocks along the shore

at high-tide,

she could sometimes reach down

and retrieve a pearl-bearing friend from the waters.

She never found an oyster with a perfect pearl,

but she always loved

her mother of pearl.

And the motherless daughter danced with

Mother of pearl

shifting on old fisherman’s line.

She danced strung on a string and shifted

like a marionette.

She was caught in the wide net

and pulled from the sea.

Pulled through the burnt smoke smell

of village markets.

Pulled across the paved

stone highways that

cut through the hills,

cut through pastureland,

cut through child dreams.

Pulled through palatial valleys

of marble and glass and gold

to be strung on a string

and dance for a Deified Despot--

cold masked cutthroat and king to kings.

And her dancing eyes

played on a boy blighted with a malformed frame.

And she gifted the blighted boy pearls of kindness

and the soft sighs of the sea from

shells collected in child days.

And she gifted the blighted boy

wet tears of a kind heart

for the singed fingers that opened arcane scrolls

to read her epic poems of a past people.

And the Deified Despot

(cold masked cutthroat and king to kings)

coveted her visionary form

and hungered for her soft-hewn limbs

and took her down deep in the undertow.

High-tide

Low-tide

and all the lifeless beauties that wash ashore.

She was strung on a string for all to see.

And the boy of malformed frame

wept with salty waters from the sea.

Wept and lamented the death of love and of dancing forms.

Wept and was carved and consumed in flame and cast aside

to die the spirit’s endless death.

High sun and

and low sun

and all the suns between.

Between high sun and

low,

when crimson petals open

and frost melts to dew

and blood rises

the High Tide comes

to drag down cold masked cutthroats

in the Endless Undertow.

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago
I don't know enough about poetry to ever really comment in depth, but I know what I like. This flows well in a sort of haunting way and contains a pretty detailed plot all on its own even without knowing there's a novel attached.

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago

Thanks, Mizal. I'm glad you liked it. And thanks to Endmaster for commending the poem. The story is the third in the adventures of Syndeeka, Warrior-Astronomer.

 

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago

I really liked this, all the technical aspects of poety go over my head (dog), but I do like to read a good poem when I see one or try my hand sometimes. This I can say is very well made and did a really good job of drawing me in. 8/8 poem. 

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago

Thanks, corgi213!

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago

You really have a way with enjambed lines.  I thought it was pretty clever how you mixed up and varied your rhythm and line length in the service of the tension of the story--it was a good example of your pretty free form working in tandem with the narrative.  It's cool to see someone do something interesting with free verse.

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago

Gower, thank you so much for your review. I appreciate your use of your poetry background in assessing my work.

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago
Spotted a little typo: "and retrieve a peal-bearing friend from the waters." And since it looks like you may have pasted this from Google docs or somewhere, just mentioning for future reference that the code they add to turn the text black really can really mess with readability for those using the site extension for dark mode. Just something to keep in mind if you ever tackled another storygame.

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago

Thanks, mizal. I'll try to fix it.

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago
Yeah, I set the personal editor role on you awhile who when that update went through. Your posts can't be locked anymore and you can make fixes to your storygames too without needing to unpublish them first.

New Poem for Your Perusal

6 months ago

I really appreciate that, mizal. Hope all is well with you and yours in your part of Texas.