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Fire.

 

As Sarah Foster tried to go to sleep, all she could see was the faint orange streetlights bleeding through her eyelids. The light looked like fire as it danced across her face, tree leaves breaking up and fracturing the light into thousands of little patches, each orange and firey themselves. She drew her blinds closed and turned over as she tried to get to sleep — after all, she had a flight the next day, and wanted to rest up before then so as to prevent jet lag.

 

And so she woke up the next morning and got dressed to go to the airport. She closed her door behind her and took one last look at her home. Sarah didn't know last night would be the last time she slept at home, or that she would never touch her bed again after she got up the that morning. She didn't know she was taking in the last sight of her house. If she did she may have said goodbye to her dog — even in spite of her rush — who was sitting by the window, wondering when his beloved owner would return. All she knew is that she had a conference to attend in Amsterdam, and she had no good reason to skip out.

 

The plane that Sarah was flying was a snazzy type that she had never seen before. She flew with True Southern Airways frequently but she'd never seen the black mask around the cockpit. Maybe this was a new plane? Or maybe she didn't notice it the last times she flew? She struggled to remember.

 

As she looked out the window, waiting to board, she saw the letters B and I, just barely cut off by the jet bridge. It was the name of the aircraft, "Big Red," she later found out. And big it was, the thing was several times larger than her house and could purportedly carry over 300 passengers. She had, of course, flown on bigger planes, but this was still sizable and without a doubt very hard to build. Sarah tried to wrap her mind around how much work had to be done just to get this plane in the air, much less to have it fully fitted with seats and bathrooms and controls. It was, doubtlessly, difficult, but somehow whoever made this plane managed to do it, and it worked perfectly.

 

"Welcome aboard, Ms. Foster! Would you like me to lead you to your seat?"

 

Sarah was grateful for the offer but politely declined. She was a frequent flyer, and a well-seasoned enjoyer of True Southern. There were a lot of things she had come to love about them, from the friendly crew to the good food to the fact that they referred to her as "Ms. Foster," and not Sarah. It was professional and even a little impersonal that way, which Sarah secretly loved.

 

As she came to her seat, however, she was surprised to see it was nothing like the old True Southern first class she was used to. No, this seat was different. New. Beautiful. She looked again at the seat number—1D, and at her boarding pass, just to make sure this was really her room for the next 11 hours. She looked at the seat itself before she sat down, noticing the comfortable cushions. Dark grey fabric with deep red accents covered the seat and gave it a luxurious finish. She excitedly plopped down, giddy to try out this brand-new first class experience. She settled in as the rest of the passengers were boarded, and a flight attendant brought her a glass of fine champagne.

 

Before long, the plane began its takeoff roll and rorared into the sky, the engines screaming with power as the heavy bird took flight. Sarah looked out the window and saw the Miami skyline sinking below her.

 

She didn't know it was the last time she'd ever see Miami.

 

Hours passed, and Sarah luxuriated in first-class comfort the whole time. There was something so magical about this experience, something unbelievably comforting that made her feel all the more like this space was hers, and truly hers.

 

Even though she flew a lot, she never much traveled across the ocean. She stayed awake for the first few hours of the flight, enjoying the food and the movies, but eventually she felt tired enough to sleep. She extended her seat into a bed and took out her phone, checking in one more time with her best friend, who was asking every question imaginable how the flight was going. When she was finished, the exhausted woman laid her phone on the flat bed next to her. She started up at the ceiling for a moment before closing her eyes and letting the gentle hum of the engines carry her into a world of silent dreams.

 

When Sarah awoke a couple of hours later, she looked out the window immediately. It was still daytime, and everywhere she looked under her there was nothing but the vast and deep blue Atlantic Ocean, dotted with fierce and ragged white clouds. The sun was high over it all, and the waves glittered like diamonds in its light. Sarah immediately reached for her phone to snap a photo of the scene, but soon realized she didn't know where her phone was.

 

She grumbled in annoyance. She was a very organized and practical woman, and very rarely did she misplace her belongings. She leaned over her chair and checked in the gap between her bed and the pod door. Nothing. She could've been sure it fell there—it was the only gap in her entire seat it could've slipped through, as far as she knew.

 

She wondered if it may have fallen underneath her bed after getting pushed forward. To check, she began lowering the leg rest. The recline was smooth at first, but as she continued to press the button it began struggling to move back. She winced in disappointment. How is it that these brand-new seats could have such a hard time moving back up? True Southern needed to fix this.

 

What Sarah didn't know is that her phone actually wasn't under her leg rest. It had sunk between the cushions of the chair, falling into the motors that powered the seat's recline. Caught between to gears, the phone was slowly being crushed more and more with every turn.

 

Sarah, none the wiser, decided to press the button over last time. Her phone was almost definitely under her seat, she thought, and if she couldn't get her chair upright she wouldn't be able to grab it. Even though she had the in-flight entertainment to keep herself occupied, her friend would get concerned if she stopped texting.

 

But as the seat strained and struggled to move, she heard a small crunch. Like something shattering. She turned her head down towards her chair. Did this seat really just break? What kind of mechanics were in this chair that made it break so easily?

 

Then, more concerningly, she heard a hissing sound. It was quiet at first, but it grew louder each second. Her chair started to feel warm. She looked down and saw an orange flame licking the seat pad from below as the horrifying realization suddenly dawned on her.

 

Fire.

 

Government regulators try to ensure that everything on an airplane is as inflammable as possible. Materials scientists dedicate their entire careers to create more and more fireproof fabric and covers and paddings. But everything — no matter how hot you have to make it — is flammable. The foam in the cushion on Sarah's was fireproof, up until nearly a thousand degrees, but the fire caused by her phone's battery easily exceeded that limit. The heat resistance was no match for the now irresistible heat, and the light airy foam of the seat couldn't last very long.

 

In an instant, her entire seat cushion was consumed by fire. Sarah screamed for fear and pain, the flames consuming her legs just as totally as they did the seat. She tried to reach for the door to her little suite, but her hand had now been so burnt she could not raise it from the armrest. Thus, her once paradisical room had turned into a prison of flame and smoke, suffocating her with every choking breath.

 

She heard other passengers screaming "fire!" and she watched as the flames crawled up the wall of the cabin. She saw as the flight attendant who had welcomed her onboard just hours earlier slammed open her seat only to be blinded by the smoke and unable to put out the uncontained fire. She heard, just vaguely the pilots announcing their diversion. But she didn't last much longer—Sarah was quickly succumbing to the flames, and one-by-one, her senses were being replaced by nothing but searing, agonizing pain.

 

Although Sarah couldn't know it then, the fire in her seat would soon spread to much of the rest of the cabin. Crew were cut off from the cockpit by a wall of flame. The pilots couldn't see their instruments for the smoke. The structure of the aircraft itself was weakening, and the control cables were burnt through, completely ripping control away from the pilots.

 

The stricken jet couldn't last much longer. As the fire burned away lives and memories, a spin dive took down the once serene airliner and sent it flying into the sea. The debris glowed like fire as it danced across the surface of the ocean, the violent waves breaking up and fracturing the aircraft into thousands of little patches, each orange and firey themselves.

 

Nothing was left of Sarah or the plane or the other 256 people there that day except wreckage and debris that were scattered across the ocean floor like ashes, unwillingly spilled to commemorate lives taken too soon. As the sun set that evening over the North Atlantic Ocean, it covered below it a thousand fragmented memories, a thousand broken dreams, and thousand pieces of human lives.

 

And even though she didn't realize it then, it covered Sarah Foster too.

Well, it's no Mercer Gang.

That's not a comparison I'm very enthusiastic about 😭 

Very well written! The tone and the nature of it reminds me very much of the Final Destination movies. It is a bit unbelievable that the fire would start so quickly that Ms. Foster would not have time to react, but I suppose if she just got up because her seat was hot, then that wouldn't really make for much of a story.

Thank you! I appreciate your feedback, and yeah it's possible she may have gotten out of her seat but (1) it would probably take some effort I'm not trying to really write about and (2) like you said that wouldn't be much of a story lol

Let’s try this thing Mizal suggested where I go through a story and focus on things that are not grammar.

 

Overall: This is a pretty well-crafted story. You’ve got strong imagery and I like your use of dramatic irony.

 

Plot: You wrote this with a circular structure, beginning and ending with “fire”. The symmetry is a nice touch; I do that a lot too.
Good use of dramatic irony— I know from the second paragraph that this is Sarah's last day, while she has no clue.
Ah, "Big Red", the plane catches on fire. Gotcha. Lol
The progression from mundane to catastrophic is usually well-paced imo

Could Improve:
- The transition from Sarah's death to the broader disaster could be smoother
- The technical details about the phone's position in the seat mechanism could be clearer. It was hard to tell how exactly the phone caused all this
- You could add more technical details about airplane safety procedures to increase tension.
- You could also add some weather or atmospheric conditions that could help create the disaster.
- The timeline of the fire's spread should be explained in a clearer way

 

Characters: Sarah is the only character. Through your writing, I can see a little bit about her. I think she has some characterization, but it could definitely be expanded on.

Could Improve:
- You could develop more emotional depth through backstory— I don’t feel incredibly attached or connected to Sarah.
- Secondary characters (flight attendants, other passengers) could be developed to kinda flesh out the story more

 

Setting: There’s a lot of description about the setting, which is something I personally struggle with so can admire. The first-class cabin is particularly well-described.

 

Writing Style/SPAG: You use some repetition, foreshadowing, and detailed descriptions. These are all good things.
I don’t love past tense writing, but that’s definitely a personal preference and not something you have to cater to.

Could Improve:
- Some sentences could be more concise: “It was, doubtlessly, difficult, but somehow whoever made this plane managed to do it, and it worked perfectly.”
Not only do you have so, many, commas, but the sentence is very vague. What does this sentence actually tell me? Think about the idea you want to convey and the emotions you want the reader to feel, then find the clearest and most concise way of accomplishing that.
- Pacing in the middle section could be tighter.
- Frequent use of adverbs and forms of “was” that could be cut down to make the story more engaging.
- You’re actually missing a few commas that need to be there. For example, a comma after “did” in this sentence: “If she did she may have said goodbye to her dog”. “If she did” is a dependent clause; when these come before independent clauses (parts of the sentence that could exist on their own due to having their own subject and verb, such as “she may have said goodbye to her dog”), they’re separated by a comma.
- A few typos dispersed throughout; I know it’s impossible to catch them all. Having other people look over your story helps a lot, though. You’d be surprised at the amount of stupid mistakes you can miss while reading over it because you know what it’s supposed to say.

 

Other notes:
- I like the word snazzy!
- The em dashes, they soothe my soul

Not bad, not bad at all. Kudos.

And for shits and giggles I'm gonna go through the grammar and stuff, too.

The light looked like fire as it danced across her face, tree leaves breaking up and fracturing the light into thousands of little patches, each orange and firey themselves.

Adding a pronoun to the end of this sentence is unnecessary and removing it increases clarity. I would also suggest adding the word "one" after "each"
Also, it's spelled "fiery". I don't know why.

after all, she had a flight the next day, and wanted to rest up before then so as to prevent jet lag.

Get rid of the comma after "day" and change "so as to" to just "to". It's easy to get overly wordy; I do too, quite often actually. But don't.

Sarah didn't know last night would be the last time she slept at home, or that she would never touch her bed again after she got up the that morning.

This sentence separates us from the main character, creating a distance between us; it's like we're looking at her from outside, detached. In a story like this where (I think) you want the reader to feel some type of emotion at the MC's death, it's important that we feel connected to her. Word choice has a lot do do with that.
Also, you don't need the comma after "home", and I'm sure you didn't mean to say "the that"

If she did she may have said goodbye to her dog — even in spite of her rush — who was sitting by the window, wondering when his beloved owner would return.

Comma after "did", it's that thing about dependent clauses; most of the time (all of the time?), if a phrase starts with "if", then it's a dependent clause and needs to be separated by a comma or commas (see what I did there?)
You also use the word "she" twice in four words, you could consider rephrasing so the sentence flows better.
I'd suggest using "despite" rather than "in spite of" in this scenario
To avoid the trap of using "was" all the time (and make the action feel more... action-y), you could say "who sat" instead of "who was sitting"

All she knew is that she had a conference to attend in Amsterdam

Switched up tenses here

The plane that Sarah was flying was a snazzy type that she had never seen before.

A few unnecessary "that"s here. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but Sarah isn't the one flying the plane, yeah? I'd suggest saying "flew on" rather than "was flying", both to make the meaning clearer and to get rid of that pesky "was"

She flew with True Southern Airways frequently but she'd never seen the black mask around the cockpit.

"Frequently" should be after flew; though I wouldn't recommend "ly" adverbs at all.
Also, you need a comma before "but" due to it being a conjunction joining two independent clauses (phrases that could be sentences in their own right).

Or maybe she didn't notice it the last times she flew?

"the last few times"

It was the name of the aircraft, "Big Red," she later found out.

"She later found out it spelled the aircraft's name, 'Big Red'."
This corrects several minor things to make the sentence more engaging and improve clarity.

She had, of course, flown on bigger planes, but this was still sizable and without a doubt very hard to build.

Should have commas surrounding the phrase "without a doubt" (though you could also make it a parenthetical phrase)
You could probably find a better descriptor than "very hard", right?

much less to have it fully fitted with seats and bathrooms and controls

You could possibly be trying to give this sentence a rambling effect to showcase how enraptured Sarah is by her surroundings, but typically lists only contain one "and"

It was, doubtlessly, difficult, but somehow whoever made this plane managed to do it, and it worked perfectly.

"doubtlessly" is too big of a word to tack "-ly" onto.
Commas.
Clarity, too. This is so vague "It was difficult, without a doubt. Somehow, whoever made this plane had managed to do it, though, and it worked perfectly".
I would suggest making this sentence actually mean something, though.

She was a frequent flyer, and a well-seasoned enjoyer of True Southern.

No comma here. The second phrase is not an independent clause because it does not have a subject

they referred to her as "Ms. Foster," and not Sarah.

You don't need that comma after "Foster", and if you did, then it would go outside of the quotes— you don't, though.

She looked again at the seat number—1D, and at her boarding pass, just to make sure this was really her room for the next 11 hours.

Replace that first comma with an em dash or (sigh) you can replace the em dash with a comma. You have to be consistent and separate the phrase with the same punctuation. Also, because of the parallelism in the sentence, you don't need the "at" before "her boarding pass"

She excitedly plopped down, giddy to try out this brand-new first class experience.

Instead of adding "excitedly", tell me how you can tell she's excited. Did she plop down with a squeal? Was she grinning from ear to ear?
"first-class" needs hyphenated. You do that correctly somewhere else in the story, seems like this one just slipped past you

Before long, the plane began its takeoff roll and rorared into the sky, the engines screaming with power as the heavy bird took flight.

I'll quiet down on how I don't like this sentence structure even though I literally use it all the time.
However, I'm sure you meant "roared" and not "rorared"

She didn't know it was the last time she'd ever see Miami.

I would suggest "Unbeknownst to her, she'd just seen Miami for the last time." or "Unbeknownst to her, she'd never see Miami again." It's more dramatic, which I'm sure is what you're going for here; making this its own paragraph was a nice touch.

this space was hers, and truly hers

Ditch that comma

Even though she flew a lot, she never much traveled across the ocean.

Well, the "much" should be at the end of the sentence, but I'd suggest axing it completely and instead saying "she didn't travel across the ocean often." It sounds better.

When she was finished, the exhausted woman laid her phone on the flat bed next to her.

You can just cut out the "was" there without having to change the sentence

She started up at the ceiling for a moment

Think you mean "stared"

Sarah immediately reached for her phone to snap a photo of the scene, but soon realized she didn't know where her phone was.

No comma after "scene" unless you add "she" before "soon"

She was a very organized and practical woman, and very rarely did she misplace her belongings.

I think "She rarely misplaced her belongings" is better here; let the reader figure out that Sarah is organized and practical on their own through this information (show, don't tell).

How is it that these brand-new seats could have such a hard time moving back up?

You switch up tenses, but I can see why: the wording of this sentence is hard to work with. Try "How could these brand-new seats have such a hard time moving back up?"

What Sarah didn't know is that her phone actually wasn't under her leg rest. It had sunk between the cushions of the chair, falling into the motors that powered the seat's recline. Caught between to gears, the phone was slowly being crushed more and more with every turn.

Switching up tenses again.
Also, I believe you used the wrong type of "to"; it should be "two" (unless you meant to say "the")

Sarah, none the wiser, decided to press the button over last time.

"None the wiser, Sarah"
Decently sure you meant "one last time" rather than "over"

and if she couldn't get her chair upright she wouldn't be able to grab it

The dependent clause comes before an independent clause, so it needs a comma after it

Materials scientists dedicate their entire careers to create more and more fireproof fabric and covers and paddings.

Should be "creating"

But everything — no matter how hot you have to make it — is flammable.

No. Some things melt instead of ever catching fire.
I'd also suggest rephrasing this so it's less clunky and more clear. For example, "But everything is flammable— it's just a matter of getting it hot enough." This is still an untrue claim, though.

and the light airy foam of the seat

Comma after "light"; what you've got here are separate coordinate adjectives, meaning two (or more) adjectives describing the same noun. Those need a comma between them

She heard other passengers screaming "fire!" and she watched as the flames crawled up the wall of the cabin.

Get rid of the second "she"
"cabin wall" > "wall of the cabin"

She heard, just vaguely the pilots announcing their diversion.

"She just vaguely heard the pilots announcing their diversion" Keep your adverbs near the verb they describe, if you must have them.

Sarah was quickly succumbing to the flames, and one-by-one, her senses were being replaced by nothing but searing, agonizing pain.

Well, first of all, "one by one" does not need hyphenated.
Also, "was"— you could easily cut this out of the sentence by using your gerund (-ing verbs) as the actual verb. "Sarah quickly succumbed to the the flames"
To get rid of the "were", you could make the object doing the action the subject of the sentence. What's doing the replacing? Make that the subject instead; it makes for more engaging writing.
With that last change added, I'd suggest separating the sentence into two sentences to improve clarity.

Crew were cut off from the cockpit by a wall of flame.

Similar to my last point; You should make the object that is doing the action be the subject of your sentence. "A wall of flame cut off the crew from the cockpit." Doesn't that sound more engaging and exciting?

The debris glowed like fire as it danced across the surface of the ocean

You do this a lot; while the sentence is grammatically correct, "the ocean's surface" is more concise and would generally be considered better.

the violent waves breaking up and fracturing the aircraft into thousands of little patches, each orange and firey themselves.

I went over this with its twin sentence at the beginning. That's cool, by the way

t covered below it a thousand fragmented memories, a thousand broken dreams, and thousand pieces of human lives.

"a thousand pieces of human lives"

And even though she didn't realize it then, it covered Sarah Foster too.

Comma.

Without the direct quotes from the short story, these two posts contain 1,736 words (the story is 1,686 words).
I should be working on my contest entry...

First of all, thank you so much for your feedback. I'll definitely be spending a lot of time today looking at your suggestions and editing things, and I'll post another revision once I'm done.

Second of all, what do you of the figurative language in the passage? I put a lot of thought into it and I'm curious how it reads to other people.

I think the figurative language is probably the strongest part of your story. Your effort did pay off. Kudos

Thanks. I think my figurative langauge use has greatly improved from my old stories lol

I seem to remember some old stories. Iirc, I agree

Someone once said my story was as dry as a Wikipedia article about Byzantine glass, and that's when I knew I had a problem

Also pretty coincidental considering the deadliest plane crash ever was Pan Am 1736

The light looked like fire as it danced across her face, tree leaves breaking up and fracturing the light into thousands of little patches, each orange and firey themselves.

Adding a pronoun to the end of this sentence is unnecessary and removing it increases clarity. I would also suggest adding the word "one" after "each"
Also, it's spelled "fiery". I don't know why.

Got it. I've changed that line to "The light looked like fire as it danced across her face, tree leaves breaking up and fracturing the light into thousands of little patches, each one orange and fiery."

after all, she had a flight the next day, and wanted to rest up before then so as to prevent jet lag.

Get rid of the comma after "day" and change "so as to" to just "to". It's easy to get overly wordy; I do too, quite often actually. But don't.

"...after all, she had a flight the next day and wanted to rest up before then to prevent jet lag."

Sarah didn't know last night would be the last time she slept at home, or that she would never touch her bed again after she got up the that morning.

This sentence separates us from the main character, creating a distance between us; it's like we're looking at her from outside, detached. In a story like this where (I think) you want the reader to feel some type of emotion at the MC's death, it's important that we feel connected to her. Word choice has a lot do do with that.
Also, you don't need the comma after "home", and I'm sure you didn't mean to say "the that"

Here's what I came up with.

"Unbeknownst to her, last night would be the last time she slept at home, the last time she would touch her bed."

I think that made it less cluttered, but I'm not sure I can make it more personal without affectng the dramatic irony. As an improvement, though, I used "Unbeknownst to her", which I've deccided to use as repetition here.

If she did she may have said goodbye to her dog — even in spite of her rush — who was sitting by the window, wondering when his beloved owner would return.

Comma after "did", it's that thing about dependent clauses; most of the time (all of the time?), if a phrase starts with "if", then it's a dependent clause and needs to be separated by a comma or commas (see what I did there?)
You also use the word "she" twice in four words, you could consider rephrasing so the sentence flows better.
I'd suggest using "despite" rather than "in spite of" in this scenario
To avoid the trap of using "was" all the time (and make the action feel more... action-y), you could say "who sat" instead of "who was sitting"

How's this?

"She didn't know she was taking in the last sight of her house. If she did, Sarah may have said goodbye to her dog—even despite her rush—who sat staring out the window, wondering when his beloved owner would return."

I decided to use replace "was sitting by the window" with "sat staring out the window", to better emphasize what exactly the dog is doing. I also replaced one of the "she"s with Sarah, particularly the one closer to the dog. I also fixed those other grammar things you pointed out.

All she knew is that she had a conference to attend in Amsterdam

Switched up tenses here

"All she knew was that she had a conference to attend in Amsterdam, and she had no good reason to skip out." 😅

The plane that Sarah was flying was a snazzy type that she had never seen before.

A few unnecessary "that"s here. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but Sarah isn't the one flying the plane, yeah? I'd suggest saying "flew on" rather than "was flying", both to make the meaning clearer and to get rid of that pesky "was"

I changed it to "The plane Sarah flew on was a snazzy type she had never seen before."

She flew with True Southern Airways frequently but she'd never seen the black mask around the cockpit.

"Frequently" should be after flew; though I wouldn't recommend "ly" adverbs at all.
Also, you need a comma before "but" due to it being a conjunction joining two independent clauses (phrases that could be sentences in their own right).

"She'd flown with True Southern Airways many times before but she'd never seen the black mask around the cockpit."

A little unsure about the two "she'd"s though

Or maybe she didn't notice it the last times she flew?

"the last few times"

"Or maybe she didn't notice it the last few times she flew?"

It was the name of the aircraft, "Big Red," she later found out.

"She later found out it spelled the aircraft's name, 'Big Red'."
This corrects several minor things to make the sentence more engaging and improve clarity.

"She later found out those were the first two letters of 'Big Red', the aircraft's name." 

I'm trying to keep the "two letters" part because imho that feels a bit more clear, lmk what you think.

She had, of course, flown on bigger planes, but this was still sizable and without a doubt very hard to build.

Should have commas surrounding the phrase "without a doubt" (though you could also make it a parenthetical phrase)
You could probably find a better descriptor than "very hard", right?

"She had, of course, flown on bigger planes, but this was still sizable, and building it was no doubt a massive undertaking."

I think "no doubt" counts as a parenthetical phrase (according to Google at least lol). Also as for the descriptor, I decided to just describe the undertaking as a whole as "massive". Hopefully an improvement.

much less to have it fully fitted with seats and bathrooms and controls

You could possibly be trying to give this sentence a rambling effect to showcase how enraptured Sarah is by her surroundings, but typically lists only contain one "and"

I was trying to give that line a a rambling effect, but ultimately I don't see the point of doing that, so...

"...much less to have it fully fitted with seats, bathrooms, and controls."

It was, doubtlessly, difficult, but somehow whoever made this plane managed to do it, and it worked perfectly.

"doubtlessly" is too big of a word to tack "-ly" onto.
Commas.
Clarity, too. This is so vague "It was difficult, without a doubt. Somehow, whoever made this plane had managed to do it, though, and it worked perfectly".
I would suggest making this sentence actually mean something, though.

I agree, kind of problematic sentence there. Also, I think the "somehow" was redundant since I already say he "managed to" do it. Is this better?

"Surely it was difficult, but whoever made this plane managed to do get the job done, and it worked perfectly."

She was a frequent flyer, and a well-seasoned enjoyer of True Southern.

No comma here. The second phrase is not an independent clause because it does not have a subject

"She was a frequent flyer and a well-seasoned enjoyer of True Southern."

they referred to her as "Ms. Foster," and not Sarah.

You don't need that comma after "Foster", and if you did, then it would go outside of the quotes— you don't, though.

"...they referred to her as 'Ms. Foster' and not Sarah."

She looked again at the seat number—1D, and at her boarding pass, just to make sure this was really her room for the next 11 hours.

Replace that first comma with an em dash or (sigh) you can replace the em dash with a comma. You have to be consistent and separate the phrase with the same punctuation. Also, because of the parallelism in the sentence, you don't need the "at" before "her boarding pass"

I would never get rid of a perfectly beautiful em dash like that.

"She looked again at the seat number—1D—and her boarding pass, just to make sure this was really her room for the next 11 hours."

She excitedly plopped down, giddy to try out this brand-new first class experience.

Instead of adding "excitedly", tell me how you can tell she's excited. Did she plop down with a squeal? Was she grinning from ear to ear?
"first-class" needs hyphenated. You do that correctly somewhere else in the story, seems like this one just slipped past you

"She plopped down with an eager grin on her face, giddy to try out this brand-new first-class experience."

I've reiterated her feeling of excitement here. Hopefully it doesn't come off as redundant.

Before long, the plane began its takeoff roll and rorared into the sky, the engines screaming with power as the heavy bird took flight.

I'll quiet down on how I don't like this sentence structure even though I literally use it all the time.
However, I'm sure you meant "roared" and not "rorared"

You're right, it's "roared", but also what about this sentence structure don't you normally like?

She didn't know it was the last time she'd ever see Miami.

I would suggest "Unbeknownst to her, she'd just seen Miami for the last time." or "Unbeknownst to her, she'd never see Miami again." It's more dramatic, which I'm sure is what you're going for here; making this its own paragraph was a nice touch.

Great idea! "Unbeknownst to her, but she'd just seen Miami for the last time." Also thanks lol

this space was hers, and truly hers

Ditch that comma

"...this space was hers and truly hers."

Even though she flew a lot, she never much traveled across the ocean.

Well, the "much" should be at the end of the sentence, but I'd suggest axing it completely and instead saying "she didn't travel across the ocean often." It sounds better.

I decided to change that sentence entirely. How does this sound?

"Even though she had been on many flights before, they were almost never transoceanic trips."

When she was finished, the exhausted woman laid her phone on the flat bed next to her.

You can just cut out the "was" there without having to change the sentence

"When she finished" is a bit, uh, suspicious.

"When she finally felt tired enough, the exhausted woman laid her phone on the flat bed next to her."

She started up at the ceiling for a moment

Think you mean "stared

No I meant that she started up the ceiling, as in she began crawling all over the roof and walls of the cabin.

Just kidding, obviously. 

"Sarah stared at the ceiling for a moment..." I removed the "up" because imo it's unnecessary.

Sarah immediately reached for her phone to snap a photo of the scene, but soon realized she didn't know where her phone was.

No comma after "scene" unless you add "she" before "soon"

"Sarah immediately reached for her phone to snap a photo of the scene but soon realized she didn't know where her phone was."

She was a very organized and practical woman, and very rarely did she misplace her belongings.

I think "She rarely misplaced her belongings" is better here; let the reader figure out that Sarah is organized and practical on their own through this information (show, don't tell).

Got it. Just "Very rarely did she misplace her belongings."

How is it that these brand-new seats could have such a hard time moving back up?

You switch up tenses, but I can see why: the wording of this sentence is hard to work with. Try "How could these brand-new seats have such a hard time moving back up?"

How's this?

"How could these brand-new, luxury seats struggle so much in moving back up?"

What Sarah didn't know is that her phone actually wasn't under her leg rest. It had sunk between the cushions of the chair, falling into the motors that powered the seat's recline. Caught between to gears, the phone was slowly being crushed more and more with every turn.

Switching up tenses again.
Also, I believe you used the wrong type of "to"; it should be "two" (unless you meant to say "the")

Whoops on both lol. (I know my to's btw lmao)

"What Sarah didn't know was that her phone actually wasn't under her leg rest. It had sunk between the cushions of the chair, falling into the motors that powered the seat's recline. Caught between two gears, the phone was slowly being crushed more and more with every turn."

Sarah, none the wiser, decided to press the button over last time.

"None the wiser, Sarah"
Decently sure you meant "one last time" rather than "over"

"None the wiser, Sarah decided to press the button one last time."

A lot of this was written on my phone. As I'm sure you can tell, typos got through.

Materials scientists dedicate their entire careers to create more and more fireproof fabric and covers and paddings.

Should be "creating"

"Materials scientists dedicate their entire careers to creating more and more fireproof fabrics, covers, and padding." Does this work?

But everything — no matter how hot you have to make it — is flammable.

No. Some things melt instead of ever catching fire.
I'd also suggest rephrasing this so it's less clunky and more clear. For example, "But everything is flammable— it's just a matter of getting it hot enough." This is still an untrue claim, though.

Thanks for the fact check. Most things, especially the ones involevd in this story (i.e., foam, fabric, phones, Sarah) are still flammable though lol

"But every fabric is flammable — you just need to make it hot enough."

and the light airy foam of the seat

Comma after "light"; what you've got here are separate coordinate adjectives, meaning two (or more) adjectives describing the same noun. Those need a comma between them

"...and the light, airy foam of the seat..."

"The heat resistance was no match for the now irresistible heat, and the light airy foam of the seat couldn't last very long.

"In an instant, her entire seat cushion was consumed by fire. Sarah screamed for fear and pain, the flames consuming her legs just as totally as they did the seat. She tried to reach for the door to her little suite, but her hand had now been so burnt she could not raise it from the armrest. Thus, her once paradisical room had turned into a prison of flame and smoke, suffocating her with every choking breath."

You didn't point this out, but otehrs have said the fire spread unrealistically fast. Rather than being instant, it would more likely take a couple seconds to consume the foam (it's a material that generally ignites quickly). Thus, this entire paragraph becomes:

"The heat resistance was no match for the now irresistible heat, and the light, airy foam of the seat couldn't last very long. In a matter of seconds, the fire grew from just a spark to a blaze that consumed her entire lower body.

"Sarah screamed for fear and tried to stand up, but the seatbelt around her waist kept her down. She tried to unbuckle it, but it was so hot she couldn't touch it. With no way of getting out, the fire consumed her legs just as totally as they did the seat. She tried to reach for the door to her little suite, but her hand had now been so burnt she could not raise it from the armrest. Thus, her once paradisical room had turned into a prison of flame and smoke, suffocating her with every choking breath."

She heard other passengers screaming "fire!" and she watched as the flames crawled up the wall of the cabin.

Get rid of the second "she"
"cabin wall" > "wall of the cabin"

"She heard other passengers screaming 'fire!' and watched as the flames crawled up the cabin wall."

She heard, just vaguely the pilots announcing their diversion.

"She just vaguely heard the pilots announcing their diversion" Keep your adverbs near the verb they describe, if you must have them.

I decided to drop the adverb entirely.

"She heard the pilots announcing their diversion."

Sarah was quickly succumbing to the flames, and one-by-one, her senses were being replaced by nothing but searing, agonizing pain.

Well, first of all, "one by one" does not need hyphenated.
Also, "was"— you could easily cut this out of the sentence by using your gerund (-ing verbs) as the actual verb. "Sarah quickly succumbed to the the flames"
To get rid of the "were", you could make the object doing the action the subject of the sentence. What's doing the replacing? Make that the subject instead; it makes for more engaging writing.
With that last change added, I'd suggest separating the sentence into two sentences to improve clarity.

I didn't really understand that last part, but here's what I came up with.

"But she didn't last much longer—Sarah succumbed to the flames, and one by one, her senses were replaced by nothing but searing, agonizing pain."

Crew were cut off from the cockpit by a wall of flame.

Similar to my last point; You should make the object that is doing the action be the subject of your sentence. "A wall of flame cut off the crew from the cockpit." Doesn't that sound more engaging and exciting?

"A wall of flame cut off the crew from the cockpit." It actually does, thanks!

The debris glowed like fire as it danced across the surface of the ocean

You do this a lot; while the sentence is grammatically correct, "the ocean's surface" is more concise and would generally be considered better.

"The debris glowed like fire as it danced across the ocean's surface..."

the violent waves breaking up and fracturing the aircraft into thousands of little patches, each orange and firey themselves.

I went over this with its twin sentence at the beginning. That's cool, by the way

Thanks lol. Here's the revised sentence.

"...the violent waves breaking up and fracturing the aircraft into thousands of little patches, each orange and fiery themselves."

t covered below it a thousand fragmented memories, a thousand broken dreams, and thousand pieces of human lives.

"a thousand pieces of human lives"

"...a thousand fragmented memories, a thousand broken dreams, and a thousand pieces of human lives."

And even though she didn't realize it then, it covered Sarah Foster too.

Comma.

I decided to continue the "unbeknowst to her" thing from earlier.

"And unbeknownst to her, it covered Sarah Foster, too."

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Here's a link to the full (grammatically) revised story with your advice in mind. I will also be implementing the thematic changes you suggested but that will obviously take longer. 

"She'd flown with True Southern Airways many times before but she'd never seen the black mask around the cockpit."

These are two independent clauses (include both a noun and a verb) connected by a conjunction, so they require a comma in between

Otherwise all of your changes look good to me! I like the way you incorporated my suggestion of using "unbeknownst" with your own twist.

It's very satisfying to see someone put all of my effort to use.

Alright, the change has been made! Again, thanks for the tips; I seriously appreciate them. I'll also be working on what you said about the characters and plot and whatnot, and also about what Mizal said. General improvements, really.

I enjoyed the overall quality of the prose, and the use of foreshadowing and imagery and so on.

The actual cause of the fire and how quickly it spread took me somewhat out of it all unfortunately, it was a bit jarringly unrealistic while also being the part of the plot all the rest hinged on. More importantly in a narrative sense, it felt too much like pure chance without the character having any agency in the cause or response to it--nothing established about Sarah as a person ultimately came into play.

Which all the time spent on how unique and never before seen the plane was, and the inexplicable move to this impossibly luxurious first class. I had honestly been expecting things to go in a bit of a different direction.

Also, could've maybe used more dialogue too break up the description, and I'd vary sentences a little more so you don't have quite so many beginning with 'She'. Neither of these being major issues given the length of the piece, but they're maybe something to be aware of in future attempts.

Thanks! Appreciate it.

About the fire, I've made it more realistic. However to be fair, foam ignites very quickly and a seat such as that may only take a matter of seconds to completely burn if it ignited. 

The fact that Sarah has can't affect what happens to her is actually one of the main points of this story. I developed her character not because her personality was supposed to help her avoid this situation, but because I needed her to have some depth before she died. If I took a completely flat character and killed them, there would be little impact.

Also about the dialogue - I would've loved to have done that but you really don't talk to people much while on a plane except when the flight attendants are helping you, and I didn't really feel like saying whether Sarah got chicken or beef would really to the narrative. And about the she thing, I really wanted to use kennings but I couldn't think of anything lmao

So @Mizal @fresh_out_the_oven I've made some revisions to the plot. I wanted to make the disaster more personal to Sarah, and to expand her character. How's this?

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Fire.

As Sarah Foster tried to go to sleep, all she could see was the faint orange streetlights bleeding through her eyelids. The light looked like fire as it danced across her face, tree leaves breaking up and fracturing the light into thousands of little patches, each one orange and fiery. She drew her blinds closed and turned over as she tried to get to sleep—after all, she had a flight the next day and wanted to rest up before then to prevent jet lag.

And so she woke up the next morning and got dressed to go to the airport. She closed her door behind her and took one last look at her home. Unbeknownst to her, last night would be the last time she slept at home, the last time she would touch her bed. She didn't know she was taking in the last sight of her house. If she did, Sarah may have said goodbye to her dog—even despite her rush—who sat staring out the window, wondering when his beloved owner would return. All she knew was that she had a conference to attend in Amsterdam, and she had no good reason to skip out.

Sarah's best friend Alexandra dropped her off at the airport. They had been friends for years before then, and they were as close as two friends could be.

"Sarah, you're going to Amsterdam!" Alexandra squealed.

"I hope I am!" Sarah replied, playfully. "I still gotta, you know, fly there. And if we don't get going soon, I'll miss my flight."

"Still. You're going to Amsterdam! You have to tell me everything, girl." Sarah knew she would be texting Alexandra non-stop. She would tell her everything. Or at least what she could.

Alexandra gave Sarah a lion plush for the flight, because lions were the national animal of the Netherlands, and she studied its fur carefully while she waited in line for TSA. She noticed the vibrant orange mane, which had an almost flamelike quality about it. She noticed the thousands of individual threads, each one orange and fiery. She noticed how every time she stepped and moved the mane flowed and shifted. It reminded her of a cozy campfire, a comforting embrace from her friend while she was gone.

Finally, after she got through TSA, she made her way to the gate. A wide picture window gave her a clear view of the apron. She carefully studied the aircraft she was to fly on; it was a snazzy type she had never seen before. She'd flown with True Southern Airways many times, but as far as she recalled none of the planes she flew had a black mask around the cockpit like this one. Maybe this was a new plane? Or maybe she didn't notice it the last few times she flew? She struggled to remember.

As she looked out the window, waiting to board, she saw the letters B and I, just barely cut off by the jet bridge. She later found out those were the first two letters of "Big Red", the aircraft's name. And big it was, the jet was several times larger than her house and could purportedly carry over 300 passengers. She had, of course, flown on bigger planes, but this was still sizable, and building it was no doubt a massive undertaking. Sarah tried to wrap her mind around how much work had to be done just to get this plane in the air, much less to have it fully fitted with seats, bathrooms, and controls. Surely it was difficult, but whoever made this plane managed to get the job done, and it worked perfectly.

"Welcome aboard, Ms. Foster! Would you like me to lead you to your seat?"

Sarah was grateful for the offer but politely declined. She was a frequent flyer and a well-seasoned enjoyer of True Southern. There were a lot of things she had come to love about them, from the friendly crew to the good food to the fact that they referred to her as "Ms. Foster" and not Sarah. It was professional and even a little impersonal that way, which she secretly loved.

Sarah had always enjoy the finer side of life. Good food. Expensive wines. Preferential treatment. As such, she always, no matter what, made sure she was flying in first-class. And with her well-paying job, it wasn't really a problem for her.

As she came to her seat, however, she was surprised to see it was nothing like the old True Southern first class she was used to. No, this seat was different. New. Beautiful. She looked again at the seat number—1D—and her boarding pass, just to make sure this was really her room for the next 11 hours. She looked at the seat itself before she sat down, noticing the comfortable cushions. Dark grey fabric with deep red accents covered the seat and gave it a luxurious finish. She plopped down with an eager grin on her face, giddy to try out this brand-new first-class experience. She settled in as the rest of the passengers were boarded, and a flight attendant brought her a glass of fine champagne.

Before long, the plane began its takeoff roll and roared into the sky, the engines screaming with power as the heavy bird took flight. Sarah looked out the window and saw the Miami skyline sinking below her.

Unbeknownst to her, she'd just seen Miami for the last time.

Hours passed, and Sarah luxuriated in first-class comfort the whole time. There was something so magical about this experience, something unbelievably comforting that made her feel all the more like this space was hers and truly hers.

Even though she had been on many flights before, they were almost never transoceanic trips. She stayed awake for the first few hours of the flight, enjoying the food and the movies, but eventually she felt tired enough to sleep. She extended her seat into a bed and took out her phone, checking in one more time with Alexandra, who was asking her every question imaginable about how the flight was going. When she finally felt tired enough, the exhausted woman laid her phone on the flat bed next to her. Sarah stared at the ceiling for a moment before closing her eyes and letting the gentle hum of the engines carry her into a world of silent dreams.

When Sarah awoke a couple of hours later, she looked out the window immediately. It was still daytime, and everywhere she looked under her there was nothing but the vast and deep blue Atlantic Ocean, dotted with fierce and ragged white clouds. The sun was high over it all, and the waves glittered like diamonds in its light. Sarah immediately reached for her phone to snap a photo of the scene but soon realized she didn't know where her phone was.

She grumbled in annoyance. Very rarely did she misplace her belongings. She leaned over her chair and checked in the gap between her bed and the pod door. Nothing. She could've been sure it fell there—it was the only gap in her entire seat it could've slipped through, as far as she knew.

She wondered if it may have fallen underneath her bed after getting pushed forward. To check, she began lowering the leg rest. The recline was smooth at first, but as she continued to press the button it began struggling to move back. She winced in disappointment. How could these brand-new, luxury seats struggle so much in moving back up? True Southern needed to fix this.

What Sarah didn't know was that her phone actually wasn't under her leg rest. It had sunk between the cushions of the chair, falling into the motors that powered the seat's recline. Caught between two gears, the phone was slowly being crushed more and more with every turn.

None the wiser, Sarah decided to press the button one last time. Her phone was almost definitely under her seat, she thought, and if she couldn't get her chair upright, she wouldn't be able to grab it. Even though she had the in-flight entertainment to keep herself occupied, her friend would get concerned if she stopped texting.

But as the seat strained and struggled to move, she heard a small crunch. Like something shattering. She turned her head down towards her chair. Did this seat really just break? What kind of mechanics were in this chair that made it break so easily?

Then, more concerningly, she heard a hissing sound. It was quiet at first, but it grew louder each second. Her chair started to feel warm. She looked down and saw an orange flame licking the seat pad from below as the horrifying realization suddenly dawned on her.

Fire.

Government regulators try to ensure that everything on an airplane is as inflammable as possible. Materials scientists dedicate their entire careers to creating more and more fireproof fabrics, covers, and padding. But every fabric is flammable — you just need to make it hot enough. The foam in the cushion on Sarah's was fireproof, up until nearly a thousand degrees, but the fire caused by her phone's battery easily exceeded that limit. The heat resistance was no match for the now irresistible heat, and the light, airy foam of the seat couldn't last very long. In a matter of seconds, the fire grew from just a spark to a blaze that consumed her entire lower body.

Sarah screamed for fear and tried to stand up, but the seatbelt around her waist kept her down. She tried to unbuckle it, but it was so hot she couldn't touch it. With no way of getting out, the fire consumed her legs just as totally as they did the seat. She tried to reach for the door to her little suite, but her hand had now been so burnt she could not raise it from the armrest. Thus, her once paradisical room had turned into a prison of flame and smoke, suffocating her with every choking breath.

The flames, though they started at just her chair, were quickly spreading to other parts of her suite. The plush and fluffy blanket True Southern gave to their first-class passengers, though also "fireproof," could not withstand a thousand-degree fire. It too caught fire, and Sarah stared in horror as the fire now crawled down to the floor. She noticed, as well, that the fire had spread inside her chair through the leg rest as well. It burned all of her neat and organized belongings, eventually reaching the plush lion Alexandra had given her. Its orange mane quickly ignited transformed into a crown of fire, the blaze singing each fiber and turning the toy into a mangled, black mess. From the plush and the blanket, the fire eventually reached her suitcase and her belongings, which all burned up just as finally as the lion.

Sarah could do nothing about the impending disaster, and the fire soon crawled up the cabin wall. She saw as the flight attendant who had welcomed her onboard just hours earlier slammed open her seat only to be blinded by the smoke. They brought fire extinguishers with them, but each one failed to put out the growing blaze, and eventually they ran out. She heard the pilots announcing their diversion to Gander. But she didn't last much longer—Sarah succumbed to the flames, and one by one, her senses were replaced by nothing but searing, agonizing pain.

Although Sarah couldn't know it then, the fire in her seat would soon spread to much of the rest of the cabin. With no fire extinguishers remaining to combat it, the hungry inferno devoured the aircraft. A wall of flame cut off the crew from the cockpit. The pilots couldn't see their instruments for the smoke. The structure of the aircraft itself was weakening, and the control cables were burnt through, completely ripping control away from the pilots.

The stricken jet couldn't last much longer. As the fire burned away lives and memories, a shallow dive took down the once serene airliner and sent it flying into the sea. The debris glowed like fire as it danced across the ocean's surface, the violent waves breaking up and fracturing the aircraft into thousands of little patches, each orange and fiery.

Nothing was left of Sarah or the plane or the other 256 people there that day except wreckage and debris that were scattered across the ocean floor like ashes, unwillingly spilled to commemorate lives taken too soon. As the sun set that evening over the North Atlantic Ocean, it covered below it a thousand fragmented memories, a thousand broken dreams, and a thousand pieces of human lives.

And unbeknownst to her, it covered Sarah Foster, too.

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