Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

This is the first page of my story that I am (hopefully) going to co-author with Raven47. It is a diary entry. I hope you enjoy it and can tell me on grammar mistakes and if you like it, etc.

Dear Diary,

Every day I hear the beating of my heart. The noise is deafening to my ears. They are closing in on me. The tentacled abominations they call the Tentacula. How am I to stop these creatures from destroying the universe? Apparently, one of the billions of Tentacula renegades holds a key. A key that can unlock a vault inside the bank of Grongash-- goblin territory. Unfortunately, goblins have a very strong dislike to the human race. They aren't as bad as the Tentacula, and can be rather intelligent at times, but they are still evil. I hope that the reader of this message can stop the Tentacula from their invasion on our planet, and can help persuade the goblins to fight on our side against these vile and wretched creatures.

I wish you well,

Captain Henry Walden.

Fairly good writing from someone other than EndMaster, Sethaniel, or JJJ! (I mean, there's some other good writing on this site, just not consistent. Hehe, don't kill me guys.)

But, seriously, good writing, seemingly interesting plot, just an unneeded "they" somewhere near the beginning. Keep it up, and another solid story will be added to this site! 

"They are closing in on me."

That was one of the bits that was actually okay. If I had removed the "they" it would say this,

"Are closing in on me."

That wouldn't make sense as a sentence on its own.

Needs to be longer to even pique my interest.  More description, more summary, more everything :P

Okay thanks. I have done the next page and it is MUCH longer.

As the sun peaks in through the window, Matthew smacks his lips thirstily and yawns. "Another pathetic Thursday..." He says, letting out an even louder yawn. He sits up to check his clock so he isn't late for school. "8:00?! I need to get to school urgently!" Matthew leaps out of bed instantly and opens his wardrobe to look for his uniform. "Really? Fuck you mom!" He shouts. Luckily, his mother is still sleeping so she did not hear him. "Fuck you again!" Matthew decides to throw on a red t-shirt and a pair of rather tatty jeans that he got for his fourteenth birthday last year. He runs down the wooden staircase purposely trying to get his mother up. It works. She does get up, but she isn't happy.

"MATTHEW LAMBLEY, SHUT UP!" His mother shouts from her room. "But mom! It's 8:00am!" Matthew hears a loud shocked gasp coming from her mother's bedroom, and moments later, her door swings open. "I'm sorry Matthew! I hadn't realized it was this late! I will get you your uniform from the drying machine! Make sure to take those jeans and that t-shirt off now!" After that, his mother runs into the pantry and grabs Matthew's uniform. "Here you go! I shall make you your sandwich now!" Matthew's mother opens up the bread basket and pulls out two slices of brown bread. She opens the fridge and gets out some leftover prawn mayo the family had for dinner yesterday. She makes the sandwich and hands it to Matthew. "Here! Grab this and go! You'll be late! Goodbye Matthew!" She then runs to the door and unlocks it, letting Matthew through. "Have a good day!" She says. "Oh! And make sure you enjoy the prawn mayo sandwich! Your father said you would!" And with that, Matthew runs out the door to go to school.

(You receive the Prawn Mayo Sandwich item on this page).