Hi. I'm currently writing a storygame right now, but I'd like to be sure that the first page is written well. Here are a few questions I'd like to ask about it:
-Did I explain the setting well?
-Is the plot introduced?
-Is the writing too tense, not tense enough, or just right?
-Should the backstory, reflections, and memory be left as-is, omitted, or put in different spots?
Here is my first page to my story (Note that items are used in the story):
You wake up to a knock on your door. This was part of the routine of a typical Tuesday for you: You would be woken up by your mom knocking on your door, get dressed, brush your teeth, eat breakfast while watching the news, and get on the bus for school. You open your eyes and look around you to see the items in your room: you were laying on a metal spring mattress which sat on the worn, dirty carpet of your house. The tan paint in your room was starting to peel and the door of your room was cheap and worn. Your clothes sat in a cheap brown dresser which stood only a couple feet away from you. Your room was small and only had one small, single-paned window. You then get out of your bed and put on a pair of blue jeans with holes in them, a tan-colored shirt with holes, and a pair of holy socks. You then opened the door, which led to a dimly-lit hallway with peeling paint. You then walked down to the right to another room, the bathroom. In the bathroom, you brushed your teeth, then went down a set of narrow, warping stairs to make breakfast for yourself. So far, it was a normal Tuesday for you.
The Tuesday remained normal until you and your mother began to watch the news on your family's staticky TV. A lady on the news began to talk,
"And for a new developing story, a young eight-year old girl named Cheyanna Kovoski from Westmanville went missing last night. She was last seen at Westmanville Elementary School and has not been seen since then. Since there's currently a shortage in search and rescue teams, only a couple police officers are searching for her, which is increasing debates about the police budget. If you have any information about her, please call us,"
At first, it doesn't sink in that Cheyanna, your younger sister, just went missing. But the moment that it sinks it, it hits you like a bomb. Your very own sister went missing. She may be dead already, or worse. She could be tortured, raped, sold, or just about anything else. Your mother then breaks into tears as she starts talking.
"I didn't know how to tell you. I really didn't know how to tell you," she says in a voice with a European accent. "I wasn't expecting this to happen in America, that's exactly why we moved here,"
When she brings up moving, you then remember that when you were a child, your mother snuck into the United States as an immigrant from Bosnia when you were only three. When this happened, your mother gave up all her possessions trying to get into the US, which she viewed as a safe place with plenty of opportunity. Your father was unable to go because your family didn't have enough money to get the whole family across safely, and to this day, you haven't seen your father for nine years. When you arrived with your mother, you both discovered your mother was pregnant with a second child: Cheyanna. The moment Cheyanna pops back into your mind, you ask your mother a question.
"Mom, should I still go to school today?" you ask,
"Yes," she says. "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do to help Cheyanna right now. After all, she's a lower priority because we're poor."
"Because we're poor?"
"Yes, because we're poor. The rich are able to buy themselves into safety and protection, but we don't have that option. We have to work for our safety, but these times are tough. All my efforts to get a job have struck out in favor of hiring teens from richer places so they can have some cash to spend on fancy gadgets for their smartphones. The only option I have is to be a housekeeper, but around here, nobody's rich enough to afford a housekeeper. And to add on, I have no way of getting to the richer areas quickly because I don't even have a bike, let alone a car."
You then exit the house to see a run-down exterior with peeling paint, dead bushes, a caving roof, and a severely cracked driveway. This is where you waited for the bus every day. However, your mind starts to think about Cheyanna, and suddenly, the idea of trying to find her pops into your mind. Immediately when you think of her, you then look back to your house. In all its disrepair, it's still home, and you start to imagine the days you and Cheyanna would get in water balloon fights while encased in the rusty fence that surrounded your backyard. You imagined the days you and Cheyanna played patty-cake on the steps leading to the door of your house. You imagined the days you brought some soup your mother cooked up to Cheyanna in the days she was sick. You then realize, she needs you. She leans on you. But is the search for Cheyanna too much of a risk to your life?
As you continue to think, you open your backpack to greet some of the things you usually bring to school. However, as you open your backpack, you notice that you set your backpack on one of those change purses eight-year-old girls like to carry around while bragging that they're rich. You then look at the name tag attached to it. It has KOVOSKI written on it in all-caps with Sharpie. You don't recall yourself owning one of these, so you assume it's Cheyanna's.
Thanks for any feedback.
