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SOME BACKGROUND:

since i was a little kid, my family has been devoutly christian. like, not the nice kind of christian. the no-gay climate-change-is-bullshit kinds. my parents took me to church every weekend, and in the past few years have begun to make me to go a boring-ass bible study thing (complete with extra homework) every week filled with boring-ass christian poster children.

also in the past few years i have realized i don't believe in god and neither do my 3 siblings, who have also kept it a secret until they were old enough to move out (they were called the devil when they told my parents, basically).

i will be 13 in a month, so not old enough to drive or take after myself, basically. so there's no way to escape my hell.

THE DILEMMA:

heres the main thing: my little PTA mom has pulled the mask so far down her face that she thinks that i am a christian. she is lumping me with some random christian poster children and their moms to start a lunch club called the 'Jesus Pizza Club'. i don't want any part of this, but on monday my mom gave me no choice and is making me go to lunch with these girls to start the club, basically, but if i decide not to do this they will know that i'm not religious.

i'm scared of getting bad treatment from my parents and i'm scared they'll think about me as a different person if they know. they wouldn't abuse me or kick me out if they knew, but my life may suck. plus, i don't want to break my moms heart.

god i want to cry

I like it as a starting point, but make certain to clean up the grammar - capitalization and such before publishing.

Will we get to play as the kid or the mother who is trying to control the kids ideological views and force them into some sort of religious pizza club?

It has some merit, given the current political landscape regarding identity politics that permeates society and the media right now, but I'm still not sure I would play it if you actually write and publish it.

Keep writing and good luck though, other people may like it.

There might be the chance that maybe, just maybe, this isn't for a story.

First hint should be it was posted in the Lounge, not Writing Workshop.
 

Oh dear.

I hadn't thought about it that way. You may be right.

Perhaps you should offer this alleged 13 12 year old (not 13 quite yet) some meaning life advice on ducking out of a Jesus pizza club while not feeling religiously isolated and persecuted by them because of it. I'll just graciously bow out of this conversation and order a pizza as you do it. %50 off if you order online right now.

Pizza Hut is no joke, even if they aren't sponsored by Jesus.

Yeah, nah, I'm ducking the fuck outta here on the off chance it is a serious thread.

it is, indeed, a serious thread. but now i'm considering making the worst storygame ever out of it.

I call dibs!

And so, your crazy religious mother is forcing you to attend a Jesus Pizza Club. If you say "no", you will be banished from your cushy home, and forced to live on a garbage dump for the rest of your life. If you say "yes", you will have to endure painful hours of listening to your Stepford friends saying crap like "The Lord works in mysterious ways" and "Love the sinner, hate the sin"... You honestly aren't sure which would be worse. What do you do?

A: I sit my parents down and tell them the truth.

B: I bottle up my feelings and keep them to myself.

C: Did somebody say "pizza"? Well throw me a bible and sing Kumba-fucking-ya! I'm there! ^_^

You're no longer sunshine and rainbows!

This makes sense in the "Interactive Story" thread. 

I don't think I've laughed harder at a post on this site in a while.

Thanks, Steve. It was some pretty high caliber work. I can't take all of the credit though, the whisky I was drinking at the time did most of the heavy lifting tbh.

Honestly, I nearly moved the thread to the Writing Workshop when I first scanned it last night since it read like a story idea and noobs are always posting in the wrong forums anyway.

Although I think you should be honest with your parents about your beliefs (and especially the fact you've been hiding it because you were afraid they wouldn't like you anymore etc.) if your mom still wants you to go to some lunch club just do it. As an adult you're going to have to socialize and work and get along with people who don't have the same beliefs as you all the time. Don't be the weirdo loner ostracizing yourself, if anyone is going to be a dick let it be the other kids that make the first move there. Just be friendly and normal like you would anywhere else, to anyone else. Also, free pizza.

Seriously though it would probably be better to get things out in the open now even if it upsets them rather than go the next five years be based on lying to your parents about something that seems to be a major part of the family life.

Although you probably want to talk to a school counselor as well, especially if you're not sure the best way to go about it. (Or even a pastor or someone associated with whatever church you go to if you find them less intimidating than your parents and want to practice saying what you want to say to someone not as likely to get emotional about it...they'll be hearing about it either way and it's not like it'll be the first time). Either option is probably better than polling random internet fucktards for life advice.

I can't help but feel extremely bad for you. I mean, I would be embarrassed to death if my parents created a shitty club like that. You should talk to your parents and tell them your feelings. I mean, you shouldn't hold it in anymore. They're your family, and (hopefully) they'll understand, 

Ah, free pizza?

Well my man, it's all a balance of probabilities. If there's any worry whatsoever that your mum might kick you out or do anything drastic like that, you should feel free to lie to the fullest extent to avoid that, because putting up with bullshit for a while until you're in a better position to tell the truth is often necessary. Seriously, it's all about how potentially shits up this could get.

What happened your siblings when they told your parents? That's a pretty essential question. If they moved out and then told them it won't help, but you could use it as a gauge for how bad things would go if you told them.

Quite importantly, don't necessarily believe this "Tell the truth always" bullshit, or the "They're your family, they'll understand" stuff, because that's not always the case. Something lying is necessary, and kids have had to deal with a lot of shit for stuff like this or coming out as gay or whatever number of stuff they've done to annoy their parents, including getting kicked out or sent to one of those horrifying camps or stuff like that. I'm not at all saying that's your parents, just that you shouldn't blindly follow that line of bullshit, and really think about what your parents would do from what they did to the other siblings.

I dunno, I feel like in your position an artifice of a prayer is worth free pizza.

One thing we may have overlooked is that to a 12 year old, everything is already free.

My advice, for whatever it's worth, would be to talk to the other kids in this pizza club.  It might turn out that there are others who are in the same situation you are.  If so, you'd at least have some emotional support from someone in real life who is around your own age.  That might help you get through it.

First, this'll depend on what branch your talking about. If  it's:

A. A cult: play along until you're older. You'll get pizza , but if there's any abuse, contact the authorities.
B. A run of the mill right wing Christian group: tell your parents. Being forced to listen to Scripture while not being receptive is actually pretty harmful from a Christian perspective, for you'll be hardening your heart to the Word of God. Be respectful of course, but do let them know your feelings and beliefs. You'll almost certainly still be taken to church, but don't shut out your parents from your life. If they're trying to be Biblical parents, then they should most certainly still love you unconditionally regardless of whether or not you're a believer.

Anyway, learning to be fine around with others who have differing beliefs is a great skill to have. Plus, there's pizza. As a hickabilly evangelical, I'd hang with any religion for lunch if it meant I had pizza especially when I was 12.

She didn't seem to think there was any chance of actual abuse but yeah, if the situation is A then that changes things.

I suggested talking to a pastor also under the assumption it wasn't a cult. Otherwise they'd be somebody the parents respect who could potentially broach the subject of how they've fucked up at parenting so badly they've pushed their kids away one by one and created an environment where the youngest is actually afraid to talk to them.

My situation is B, to clarify.

Sounds like an easy way to get free pizza. I don't see what the big deal is, just say you're all about loving that jesus until you can move out.

You know what you must do, habibi. One Aloha Snackbar and no more infidel pizza club. 

1) Join the group
2) Make yourself leader
3) Slowly turn it into a radical Satanist club. So slowly that the other members don't even realize they're not Christian anymore when they summon Satan with you.

#OrangeJustWonThisThread

Holy shit... how did I never think of this before.

this... this is a great idea.

I have a question. Why a pizza club out of all of the other clubs that were available? I mean seriously. It sounds pathetic and shitty, but you get free pizza, but I would honestly prefer some soba or pasta. 

It's not that the club is available, it's that I'm being basically forced to found it.

Also, it's called the Jesus Pizza Club because like 3 years ago it was called that and they brought in pizza and then a youth pastor came and a parent complained so the club got shut down... now that it's being revived there won't even be enough funding for pizza so it won't be worth it. 

 

You don't even get free pizza out of this? Well you might as well probably complain now. 

When it's other people telling me to complain it's maybe time to evaluate my life.

No pizza in the Jesus Pizza Club? Blasphemy!

I think you should tell you parents that you cannot, in good conscience, found a Jesus Pizza Club with no pizza. That would be lying, and lying is a sin! 

Wonderful suggestion.

No pizza in the pizza club? That is bullshit. This changes everything.

Maybe it's just me, but the name "Jesus Pizza Club" just screams pedo ring.

Especially now with no pizza. It's like kids are getting lured in without even real bait.

#Pizzagate is real.

At least demand that you get some pizza.  If you have to go through all that, they might as well at least feed you.

I completely agree.

So, from what I've read, there's a Jesus Pizza Club, with no Pizza and (in reality) no Jesus, is that about it?

Well, either way, my suggestion would be to try the club a few times (though the lack of pizza is a problem).  It could be that the other club members could stand to use a more grounded approach.  Or, like you, they might feel pressured into this club.  And perhaps you can all discuss better ways to deal with the parental folk in this situation. 

Actually, how well /do/ you know the girls that you're supposed to be having lunch with?

One, the club hasn't been established yet. I'm being made out to establish it. I'm supposed to be the leader in this plan of the sort of selfish adults in my life.

One I've known forever because of sports but we're not amazing friends either (she's one year younger than me and overly sensitive which can be annoying) and the other I think i've talked to a maximum of 2 times. 

Do you have any leadership skills?  If you're not known for being a leader, maybe you can plead out on account of someone else being better for the role?

I wish I could tell you to sit down with your parents and have a reasonable conversation, but from the sound of your original post,  your parents aren't terribly reasonable.

You mentioned your siblings have all moved out.  How much do you keep in contact with them?  Maybe one of them might have an idea.

I text them. I've talked to my brother and he's kind of the rebellious type and just wants me to tell it all. 

Actually, that suggestion about the leadership skills is a good idea. They'll probably buy that, because it's true. My leadership skills are absolutely horrible.

Because sometimes, a diverting truth is better than a lie, to be honest.

So are you a boy or a girl? I need this piece of information to give my piece of advice.

A girl.

Yeah, just make sure there’s pizza at this point. That’s the least they should do for you guys.

Yes this certainly sounds like a first world atheist problem.

I too have been forced to go to these things and belive it or not there was no christian orgy and no they didn't spike the pizza so all our christian brethren could pull jim jones Jonestown suicide pact like total religious badasses. 

Being a little more serious just join the fucking chrisitan club. Unless you have some fom of "Christianity is for sheep and I won't stoop to that shit." Level of thinking then it really shouldnt be that fucking bad.

Maybe she's putting you with these children for another purpose like she thinks you have no friends and is just using this religious shit as a excuse for you to hang out with people.

Yes, I know having your mom force you to do things is "like totally lame ugh." but tough shit tbh.

If it does end with you getting beat then seek legal action and get moved with a safer relative.

Also your shitty patronizing tone "Christan Poster Children." is shitty. 

I wrote this when I was stressed and angry. I looked at it later and thought I sounded a little like an ass but couldn't change it because people hadn't replied.

There could be a lesson there.

Huh.

For me not to be obnoxious and panicked all the time?

Yeah.

Being an ass is a pretty legitimate path to success around these parts, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Only one way forward.

Hopefully most of us can take that with a grain of salt.

So, how is the issue progressing, btw?  Did you talk to your folks and plead out on a case of not being a leaderly type?  Or are you still mulling it over?

I haven't had a chance to talk to my parents quite yet. Since the issue came up it's been constantly busy. Sports, funerals, school, piano, all that. I plan to address them quite soon.

Better get out your planner.

Oh dear!  I hope the funeral wasn't of anyone close to you.  Either way, I'm sorry to hear you've been so busy.

No, no, but a close friend of my grandma (who lives in my house).

Okay, in case you all were wondering (probably not, but hey), I had the meeting today. After school I had to go to a coffee shop that the Head Mom knew the owner of, with the other 2 girls and our mothers, along with 2 parents whose kids did not attend, and several youth pastors (2 that I knew, youth pastors are really nice people) from the area that the Head Mom managed to drag in. 

The meeting started with a prayer and then The Moms commenced a meeting. Questions were asked, like of the legality of our club, possible names and times, and how to outreach to kids in the area. Me and the 2 other girls mostly sat there and listened tentatively. Later us 3 were sitting at a table alone making posters to put in the halls to advertise what will be known as the "Rooted: Grow deeper in God's Word" club (the Head Mom's Idea). All of us admitted that we didn't really want to be a part of the leadership of the club, so I guess we're all in that together. 

It's time to ride out the storm. 

By the way, I made my poster look like a Supreme logo. I'm very proud of it. Nobody even noticed.

I notice the Head Mom removed all reference to pizza in the club's name.  Probably a good move, as she'd doubtless have been stuck springing for pizzas for all your meetings otherwise.

She has a lot to do. She's the author of a book and the CEO of Boogie Wipes.

If you want to do the passive aggressive play, just start putting Buddha statues, books, and posters in your room until your parents take the hint.

They could only wrangle up three kids to inflict this on? That's probably the funniest part so far.

You could always get a girlfriend and start an Earth club at school. Nothing pisses off homophobes more than their daughter being gay, and if you're completely straight, just get a reverse beard.

10/10 should do.

There's already a GSA club and while I was making my poster The Moms were unapologetically roasting it in the background.

Cuts out the hassle of having to start your own. 

Now you just need that girlfriend

Quite unfortunately in this situation, I'm straight.

I should probably have added a repeat of Oranges suggestion - a reverse beard.

IE - fake it.

 

EDIT: Sorry, I'm being crass and unhelpful again, aren't I?

"Sorry, I'm being crass and unhelpful again, aren't I?"

Congratulations, today you have become a true CYSer.

You should see me at work, mate, crass and unhelpful is practically in the job description.

Lol! So, if all three of you don't really want to be in the club, and the other two kids care so little about it that they couldn't even be bothered to go to the meeting... Why don't you all just pretend you attended the club, and then go find a club with actual pizza to go to instead? 

We can't because there'll be people watching us at the club (although they aren't legally allowed to talk to us because of separation of church/state)

I'm a little late to the party, but have you considered grabbing a bunch of bible quotes and praying for your parents' souls in as loud and dramatic a fashion as you can possibly muster anytime they take you out among people? Whenever they do something that you don't like, you could start wailing and slobbering and "speaking in tongues" as you desperately put everything you have into saving them from the fiery pits. You'd have to do it around the house, too, so they wouldn't suspect that it's just an act.

If they believe that religion has made you a "crazy nut job", they might be tempted to find something else to occupy your time that's a little less embarrassing to them and more suited to your fragile mental state. Who knows? There might be actual pizza at the new clubs they find for you.

If nothing else, it would make for some really funny anecdotes you could tell here on CYS and across the Internet.

Yes. Please do this. This is a fantastic idea Aries.

It really is. Aries, I think you could probably find a lot of sin in your parents' lives if you look closely enough.

Even if you don't have proof your dad fornicates with a sow every night you should probably pray about that, loudly, just in case.

In college, there were kids down the hall that hated their roommate, so they rubbed their genitals all over his stuff when he wasn't there. I'm not sure I can think of a more passive aggressive response to a situation.

Without clarification I'm going to assume the same stuff, at the same time.

Which is a little...

Well, I guess as long as the balls didn't touch.

Like in step brothers with the drumkit.

To play off that, you could live like an orthodox Jew (the most strict interpretation of the Bible in modern day) but like, one who believes in Jesus. Follow every single rule in the Bible that you feasibly can until your parents are freaked out.