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I am in a dark mood. I have recently passed through my son's birthday.  He is forever 17 for me. I am stuck in limbo forever with him.  I can't leave him. 

I am rebuilding a life, but it is slow going. As you all know, I took a good beating a bit back, and not a soul cared.  The police dropped me thru the cracks, and everyone asked if I told the police he beat me up.  No one asked if I was okay. Even when my face blew up into a mess. 

With mom gone now, and having no family, I feel very alone and lost some days.  I do my psychic thing for people and help as much as I can, and it means a great deal to me to help others. I never charge for such things. I don't believe that's why I can do what I can do.  

I am just down tonight. I have decided to move out and separate from my husband.  In doing so, attempts to start dating again have been a nightmare.  I have been ghosted twice now. They all say the same thing. They tell me how pretty they think that I am and seem so into me. Then later I find out they are married ,and get ghosted.  Must be my picker. My gift doesn't let me see whats close to me. I am blind to those in my life essentially. 

I am feeling very down and alone tonight. Just thought I would say so, and ask if you ever feel this way? What helps you to cope?

M

Wait, I thought you got divorced a long time ago.

Anyway, well of course still being married is going to drive some people away if they’re looking for a serious relationship. The only dudes that are going to stick around are the ones just interested in the sex bit with no commitment.

I have been married twice. This is my second marriage. i am divorce but to the 1st man. 

I'd definitely advise exiting any current relationships completely (divorce, not just separation) and at least somewhat getting your own life together before making any serious attempts to date. (I'm giving the benefit of doubt here and assuming that you separated before dating, although that was a bit unclearly worded.)

Depression and some of the other symptoms you've described really ought to be discussed with your doctor.

Mizal, 

Your right.  I need to get me together first.  Yes, we are separated.  We still have to see each other because of the business etc. but yes we are now separated. Yes, I agree. I do think I need to consult a physician.  My son died because he didn't get help, I need to get checked out before it hits a point that I can not reason my way out of the dark mood. Thanks for your honesty.  That is why I posted here. I knew that I would hear the truth weather I liked it or not. Truth is what I need right now. 

M. 

Glad to hear it, I really hope you follow through and see a doctor. Depression, like the actual diagnosable kind is not anything to fuck around with and based on some other things you've said it really sounds to me like you have at least *some* kind of mood disorder. That's not really the kind of thing you can just bootstrap your way out of with positive thinking, and it makes everything else in your life more of a struggle than it needs to be.

The dating thing, like most of us have said, it can be stressful enough even in an ideal situation with nothing else going on. And it sounds like the guys you're attracting right now are those only interested in exploiting an emotional vulnerable person.

Go to a psychiatrist. Depression isn't "feeling down". Its a serious condition that can result in death. I'm very sorry about the rest.

DarkSpawn,

Yes agreed. I do need to talk to a physician. I lost my son four years ago when he took his life. I need to prevent myself from following him. Thank you for your honesty.

Also, I thought your writing was more than good. When I said it reminded me of me, I meant the kid. I never was  drinker.  Mom was then drugs. Life was stressful growing up. So in my opinion, it was well written. You are gifted 

M. 

Thanks. I hope you get the help you need.

When my brother died I thought I would never move past his death. I was right. You never get over it. But you can't let it consume you. These people, these wonderful people we've lost, would not want us to give up on living our lives because they lost theirs. You love your son. You will always love your son. And you will hold onto his memory because of that love. You won't ever leave him because he will always be with you. But no matter how hard it gets you have to live your life.  Because if we let despair rule our life, then why even live? I really think you should talk to someone like a therapist about this. They really do help.

I'm sorry this happened. I'm not aware of the specifics so I cannot comment on the conduct of the police or the people you told. I can, however, say that I do care and I hope you are okay. 

I understand your feeling of feeling alone. I don't remember my real mom much since she passed when I was young, but my family has never been much of a family. Lots of bad things happened, and after my brother was killed I felt truly alone in the world. But there are always people out there who will be willing to lend a hand, or an ear. I think it's very kind that you try to help people, and I think you are a kind person in general. Just know that you aren't alone. Even if there's nobody around you. There are people that care about you, even if they don't know it yet. 

I really think Endmaster and Mizal are right here. You should hold off on dating until things are sorted out. You won't get many people who are looking for something serious to date a married person. And if you are looking for something serious, you probably don't want the guys who would just be looking for a hookup. And I've heard that dating is quite stressful. Probably best to hold off on getting extra stress while everything is so hectic.

As for what helps me cope, I guess talking to people is usually a safe bet. I tend to try to be doing something all the time in order to not have time to think, but that's not a very good coping method. I'd say talk to people, and find something you enjoy doing. Reading, writing, drawing. Heck, even just watching some TV or funny videos on the internet might help. Just try to dig your way out of the hole, bit by bit. Because giving up isn't an option. 

I really hope you start feeling better soon. You are a very interesting and kind person, despite being...eccentric. I hope you have a nice day.

turnipBandit,

I am better today, but I agree with you on all points.  I have been making headway and getting my life back. The separation has been hard. He is all i have known for a long time. It is scary. 

I agree also about the dating. I knew you all would be honest with me, and that is what I need. I am going back to reinstate my pharmacy license this month, and then build a life separate from my spouse.  

The police were trying to do their job.  It just happens. They had told me they would pay for a hotel room since I had no family.  They dropped me off at the hotel, and when I got to the desk they had no record of a room for me. I was covered in his drink he poured on me and my blood. I looked a mess.  people were staring and laughing and whispering. I sat there for two hours while I was made fun of trying to get a hold of the officer who said he would reserve the room. i finally walked home. it was humiliating. I nearly gave up that day. I am still here though. 

m

i think everyone has had Dark times, but just remember you aren't alone, people will always be around for you to talk through your troubles, try to focus on getting back in touch with yourself instead of jumping back into dating right away, you don't need a significant other to give you self worth or validate your life.

lobo420

Agreed, I need to fix me first. i am no good to anyone like this, and dating is not right for me at this time. 

M. 

people are always here anytime you need to talk things through, just let us know

I will offer my two cents :) To get out of seeing the world as such a dark place requires a shift in perspective that is easier said than done to make it a bit brighter. Forcing yourself to do little things and sticking with them, even if they seem pointless, can help. Watching comedy series, hanging out with friends, giving yourself days out in the park, beach or whatever (when I'm stressed I climb a mountain, gives a wonderful feeling of achievement, even more so when I don't use the old person lift thing), reading some self-help or religious books (if so inclined), listening to positive or relaxing music (i.e. classical music) or focusing on ideas to help improve yourself professionally, and therefore financially, which always helps :)

When you're feeling down small problems seem big problems when really most of our problems are self-created, in our minds, it just requires the recognition they are such. Pain is still pain but every day it becomes more familiar and therefore easier to deal with. Dating is a big crazy and confusing experience all on its own though with a lot of potential disappointments and odd people out there whose first interest is often helping themselves get something rather than helping others. It is better to hold on and self-improve as someone (Mizal?) said and approach dating from a strong position because it's a bit like a crazy gamble anyway :D

Finally it might sound odd but if you have the time charity work or volunteering can help. Helping others is a great feeling and often they can help you in return feel better, with friendship etc plus it fills up any free time that might otherwise be spent thinking unhappy thoughts and mentally running in circles looking for solutions. I teach kids and what those little young leaders of tomorrow don't know is I vampire up their positive youthful energy to recharge my weary exhausted-of-paperwork self so we can all have fun together (and maybe learn something). As a teacher I would recommend vampiring the young in a non illegal way :D Hanging out with young people, especially children (if there are any in your family) can give encouragement, new ideas and enough toilet humour to fill several series of South Park :)

Hopefully some of these ideas are helpful, incidentally asking for help is always a good idea. The old adage a problem shared is a problem halved is probably crap but sharing your problems might get you solutions you hadn't thought of. :) I hope everything gets a bit easier.

Will11

I think they are all great ideas.  I am doing several of them.  The other night was just a down moment or me.  I have a website, and page, and group. I believe it is my calling to help other lost souls by making sure they know they are of value and loved. I  offer that in my those circles. There is no judgment; only acceptance for who you are. 

I am also in the beginning stages of building an organization that our mission is to identify, define, and make change accordingly in regards to suicide prevention. Maybe I just needed a reminder of what it feels like. Maybe that was part of why I felt that way so I can relate and do a better job in that role. I don't want other parents to go thru this, and I don't want other kids to hurt the way my boy did. I know I can't save everyone, but I am going to try anyway. 

I like the comedy series idea. laughter is always good. 

Thanks very much for all the ideas.  I am going to use impement most of them if i have not already. 

M. 

Just want to point out that for those faggots that are always going on about this place being filled with sociopaths that revel in human misery for the lolz, they can kindly go fuck themselves.

This thread is a shining example of the nurturing side of CYStia. We may have just saved this crazy woman’s life.

Everyone give yourselves a pat on the back and then go kick a crippled retard for the lolz. (Have to keep our reputation up, you understand)

Its all good. I agree you saved the crazy women. I am stark raving mad. 

 

Refocusing your madness and darkness into your story for the contest should help.

i Agree with End, looking forward to reading your stories oracle