Well, this is actually a very good mindset to have. I ripped into your game because most noobs create one game, whine, and quit, usually in a comedic way if you're mean to them. If you actually want to improve, then that's awesome, and you're already in the right mindset (which is really the most important thing)!
You're also on the right track with this post. Just flesh things out: use imagery to help us visualize the scenes, and add dialogue to help us get attached to the characters.
Once again, if you actually keep at it, then you'll be able to improve, so just take the feedback and work on it. Good luck!