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I wrote a speech for civics, and would like some feedback.

"I have a dream that one day my children will be able to buy gas for less than three dollars a gallon at any gas station. I have a dream that one day, my children will be able to survive off of a minimum wage job, without having to choose whether to eat or pay rent. I have a dream that one day, corporations won’t rule this country.

These big corporations suffocate us, buying up all the houses on the market so we’re forced to pay rent to them, raising rent anytime they want for any reason they want. Are we not entitled to the sweat on our own brow? No. No longer do we get even get to enjoy the fruits of our labor, because it’s whisked away by these corporations to feed a greedy board of directors.

Even the very food we eat is filled with sawdust, disguised as cellulose, so they can make more profits. Not only is it filled with sawdust, but it continues to get more and more expensive. Now, to feed a family of five for only three days, it costs over one hundred dollars.

Not only do they gouge our wallets, but they also destroy our land. Fifty-seven companies are responsible for EIGHTY percent of all the greenhouse gases in the world. Their factories flood our air with smoke and chemicals, their waste is dumped into rivers and pollutes the drinking water, their greed rips the ecosystem to shreds. So this isn’t simply a money issue, but these companies destroy nearly everything they touch.

But there is hope, we can take back our financial freedom and free ourselves from this corporate slavery. Don’t pay them money to steal from you, buy from honest companies, and force the greedy ones to be better by starving them of the funds they fiend over. It’ll be hard for a while, but with enough perseverance and sacrifice, we can change these companies, and make this world a better place. A place with affordable food. A place with affordable housing. A place where it’s affordable to live."

Which companies are the honest ones again?

e: forgot to add that you're retarded, my bad

lose the MLK reference, starting your speech off by quoting a better speech (possibly the best of all time) is only going to draw attention to your deficiencies as an orator 

also like chris said, yeah you're retarded 

I like the effort you put into the speech as a whole, and I think you hit a lot of important points.

That being said, it does kind of read as a list of talking points, and I feel like a speech should be more organic and personal, if that makes sense.

I think you put a lot of effort into this, but you could do even better. Could you tell us the specifics of the assignment? Because I'm not sure how to help without knowing more about the speech you have to give in Civics.

We might be able to give more feedback, but as it is, it would sound like a clunky delivery of facts when spoken out loud, so perhaps try and make it more fluid.

When giving a speech, you want to directly reach your audience, so perhaps make it feel like you're having a conversation, and you're trying to build a genuine connection with your audience, so they really pay attention to what you have to say.

Right now, it reads like a rant. But when giving a speech, you have to add a bit more style. Or, you could go down the rant speech route. I mean, Hitler's perfected it, but I don't think you really want to emulate him in this instance.

Have you taken AP Lang? I feel like you may want to look at the elements of rhetoric, examining the basis of an argument, ethos, pathos, logos, and you would also do well to study the writings of Quintillian and Cicero.

Best of luck, Bezro! Knock their socks off!

I posted the rubric, but this is some pretty solid advice. I’ll make sure I add evidence and appeal to emotion mainly, because I was trying to make it sound like a rant sorta. I was trying to emulate Hitler in that aspect, because it would be funny and more fun to present.

It's pretty powerful but yeah, I wouldn't start my quoting MLK because immediately you're inviting a comparison in which you will inevitably be judged worse and showing a lack of originality by quoting one of the most famous speeches of all time. You'd look smart by quoting facts from respected published sources, asking a few rhetorical questions (Which company do you think is the biggest offender?) and trying to involve the audience more by inviting them to think about their own experiences.

Like RK said rants just raise eyebrows but if you can connect to your audience on a personal level and get them thinking it is much better. Perhaps for each paragraph use one fact and then draw on some real-life examples (perhaps there is a polluted river in your hometown you could refer to or you could talk about how underpaid teachers are if you can find the average salaries of teachers in your area) that others in your class will know of and can appreciate and connect to their own lives.

Oh, I also think ending the speech with a cry of "Viva La Revolution", waving some sort of flag while wearing a black beret, punching the richest male in the room then kissing their girlfriend and possibly starting a small fire would all help to make an impression. :)

You could try to include some sort of personal anecdote or story to relate better to your target audience. Something like how this issue has affected you and your family personally.

To add to it, it’s supposed to be based on MLKs speech. So I gotta take some inspiration. I’ll rewrite based on your corrections and get it out there. Thanks y’all. Oh yeah, forgot to say, I’m a retard.

This is the rubric verbatim
I Have a DreamOn August 28, 1963, Dr. Martin Luther King, jr. gave his famous “I Have a Dream speech. Dr. King’s dream was for all people, regardless of their skin color to be treated with respect.

Write an essay telling of "a dream" you have that can make your world, community and family a better place. Your essay must...

Essay must identify issue that concern you.
Essay must provide an explanation of why the issue is concerning.
Essay must supply solutions to solve your concern.
Essay must give an optimistic dream of the future on Earth.
MINIMUM of 350 Words
Bezro you're retarded.

The assignment is called the ‘I have a dream essay’ too.

Where did you see that? Maybe I didn’t read the rubric thorougly but I don’t think it said that.

It's right there.

I'm retarded.

Your speech would be much better if it actually presented solutions to the issues. MLK's argument is purely an argument from morality, which just requires a change in people's behaviour. Maybe I'm just being a pessimist and not seeing it, though.

I would change the subject and talk about something else. The topics don't cross over well, as economic issues are way more complex than just telling 'the mean corpo guys to stop'.  My advice would probably be to switch over to talking about other heuristic biases humans have based on physical qualities. That would align more with MLK's own speech better. Maybe instead of race talk about how differently people are treated for other intrinsic qualities, like being a man or a woman, or discuss issues on oversexualisation or something. That would align better with the spirit of the original. 

Yeah, none of the things I wanted to do ended up happening due to my horrible time management. It ended up being a three minute rant with a picture of Alka Seltzer as the cover. Although I did give solutuons, to stop buying from corrupt companies.

Here’s the rant for anyone interested. My voice acting is also pretty bad, shouldn’t have tried to get rid of the accent.

You could go balls to the walls and basically just rip off MLK's entire speech, just changing key words to make it about corporate slavery or whatever. But if you're going to do that, you ought to be more offensive and maybe make it about immigrants or something. Or progressives.

Not a terrible speech, but I do encourage you to take the device you have been given. And good luck!! :)