Another year, another few dozen books stolen from an elementary school’s Little Free Library. And hey, I even flipped through some! In my defense, I donated some old Christianity books to earn literary karma, much to the disappointment of the English department, no doubt. I don’t think the GayBC curriculum includes biblical studies.
Pretty bare list this year, I know. Getting engaged and self-publishing a third book really eats up the time. Shit, that and discovering Terraria is worth the hype. Another goblin army is attacking from the east? Just take Asher and go.
Now let’s get into the rating system. It’s all made up and pointless, much like those trophies you grind for. Back in my day, you had to find an End Game link to earn a point. Anything 8 or higher, I recommend getting your hands on a copy. All 10s were paid for by the publisher.
Assassin’s Apprentice, Robin Hobb: 9/10
Now if you tablet babies ever got your hands on a physical book, you’d recognize the superior experience. Oh man is that new book smell like crack. I was gifted a copy of Assassin’s Apprentice in Illustrated Edition. And no, that’s not a pop-up book. It’s a hard cover with grand—you guessed it—illustrations every few chapters. They don’t overdo it, which is nice. Just a sprinkle, like finding a tiny treasure. Admittedly, the artwork looks gay sometimes.
It’s written in first person, an old hero narrating his journey from boyhood. The style is incredibly unique, and I couldn’t put my hands on why...turns out Robin Hobb is a woman. Be prepared for full descriptions on garments and emotions. No joke. Maybe I need to catch up on Mystic’s stories because a woman’s perspective caught me off guard. First they’re voting, now they’re apparently writing. Maybe the impact is greater due to the first person POV.
I would recommend reading. Better yet, buy the Illustrated Edition.
Royal Assassin, Robin Hobb 9/10
Now I don’t want these reviews to get too lengthy. What is this, Robin Hobb describing a tunic? One flaw in the trilogy is the main villain. There’s great setup with the Red Ships attacking the coast, burning towns, leaving their villagers as Forged Ones, essentially stripping them of their minds. Forged Ones roam the kingdom as wild dogs, hunting in packs, void of all humanity. Best yet, it’s not the Red Ships that kill the citizens...the kingdom has to kill them. Take them out back, Old Yeller. Bam. That’s good conflict, internal and external.
What, then, takes center stage as Hobb’s primary villain? Yep, the coddled prince who wants the throne, described as charismatic and cunning. Truly a difficult opponent with royal blood and connections.
Nope.
In reality, the prince is written as cruel, incompetent, without any guile, which makes his schemes seem akin to that of Sid from Toy Story. Worse, the royal family in Hobb’s universe are born with attribute names, so you’d expect the king, Shrewd, to catch on to his son’s actions. It’s explained as having a soft spot—or disbelief his son would be so horrible—but dude, the prince is literally poisoning the you, got caught trying to kill his older brother (the heir), and once the prince finally takes the throne, does his charisma show, perhaps through a kingdom-wide gaslight?
Nope.
But that’s all events in the third and final book in the trilogy.
Assassin’s Quest, Robin Hobb: 9/10
Extra, extra! King Shrewd is dead. Heir—now King Verity—abandons Buckkeep for search of the mythical Elderlings at the edge of the world. Prince Regal seizes the throne. Read all about it!
The ending of Assassin’s Apprentice was poor. Royal Assassin leaves you puzzled (but wanting more). Assassin’s Quest goes out with a bang.
After two books of foreshadowing a legend of old, Hobb finally uncovers the mystery. And it’s truly epic. Of course that includes an emotional roller coaster, but we already established the series is written by a woman. Sometimes you get what you pay for, and the Farseer Trilogy cost 80% of a real man’s wage.
Gotta give respect where respect is due though. Some books don’t hold the hype, championed by the same people who consider Daggerfall superior to Skyrim (and won’t shut up about it). It’s not a real RPG, they say, and consumers are now mindless short attention-span cogs, who wouldn’t know what to do with real substance if they could spellcraft and break the game. True role-playing doesn’t have map markers or immortal NPCs or...
...okay that’s enough, virgin. Why don't you complete that quest?
Robin Hobb has a good following, and her original trilogy was written in the 90s. If you younger members haven’t heard, go grab a copy. You won’t be disappointed.
The Last Wish, Andrzej Sapkowski: 10/10
Somehow I had the idea that the Witcher books were old-timey, dense, and difficult to read because Polish (ew, European), and that CD Projekt Red put it on the map with quality development and, well, sex. Nothing was further from the truth. The books are exactly like the game—or perhaps it’s the other way around.
Expect Geralt’s dry humor in a dark fantasy setting with much philosophy. Greater and lesser evils, what are monsters (besides old white men leading the patriarchy), destiny, fairy tale truths, and more. Not to say there’s not action. There’s plenty. The opening scene is pulled straight from The Witcher III (or maybe the other way around), Geralt entering a tavern, the locals not taking kind to sorcerers.
There’s a reason music from 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s are so much better than now. Old blues traced back to slavery, the space race, Vietnam War (and the Cold one), other stuff I slept through in history class. All those things shaped the art and music of the time. Now imagine growing up in war-torn Poland just after WWII with an appetite for fantasy. That heaviness contributes to the dark fantasy setting. Now I’m not suggesting it’s intentional or stereotyping Poland’s identity as inseparable from WWII (why take that away from the Germans??). Real time events shape people is all.
The Last Wish and Sword of Destiny are the first two recommended books in the series. Both are short story collections, which jump around in time, and are quest-like in nature. Sapkowski weaves those stories brilliantly, so it’s not random tales seemingly slapped together by luck. Eventually, they all connect and contribute to the legendary Geralt of Rivia.
As a side note, I didn’t find Dandelion a fun character in the game or show. He’s actually fun in the book. Better, you see why Geralt puts up with his frilly ass.
Fairy Tale, Stephen King: 8/10
Like so many King books, it begins like the greatest book of all time. Then you keep reading, finding small speed bumps, eventually ending on a gravel road filled with potholes. But damn, it’s a good ride along the way.
Fairy Tale exemplifies King’s ability to understand people and life. Then he takes us through a portal to Jack and the Beanstalk. Sometimes I wish King would dial back the fantasy and supernatural, but it’s a little late for that. Now when reading some of his recent work, I wish for small speed bumps and gravel roads. The good ole coke and alcoholism and children gangbang days.
Still, it’s King, so expect best-seller quality and a memorable story in the King universe.
The Little Book of Whisky, Tom Hay 3/10
My work knows me well, and they bought me a small hardcover book about Whisky for my birthday. I would’ve preferred the bottle. They gifted a bottle of Glenlivet before. Guess I should’ve wrote a thank you note.
I wouldn’t recommend reading unless you find a copy in a waiting room somewhere. Party facts are better Googled if you really feel the need to be an asshole.
Wind and Truth, Brandon Sanderson: 10/10
If I remember right, Sanderson gets mixed reviews over here—and for good reason. The entire series is up and down, depending on the storyline. Hey, write 1,200 pages per book, and there’s bound to be some lulls.
As with any thick fantasy read, the books follow different storylines, each a piece of the epic overarching story. We finally catch a glimpse of that in Wind and Truth. Better yet, the best character (in my opinion) finally gets center stage.
Sanderson claims Wind and Truth (Book 5 out of 10 planned) is a mid-point finale, and nothing is closer to the truth (and wind...?). We have conflict between deities on cosmic proportions, lore changes, and literal world war. It’s not the same without the gas chambers, but somehow the Fused manage just fine.
In the Stormlight Archive, Book 1 is incredible, 2 slightly less, then it keeps rolling downhill in Book 3 and 4. I can see how someone may not want to continue. I suggest pushing through to reach Wind and Truth. There's no experience like it.
