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Check Out My New Story!

one year ago

Hi! Could someone give feedback on my new story game? It's nowhere near finished but if I need to make changes it's better sooner than later. 

Link to game: Boarding School

Check Out My New Story!

one year ago
From what I see, its pretty linear.
Then again, it's like 5 pages, so don't worry about it if you have plans for branching in the future.

I'll leave the writing part to those who are more capable than me.

Check Out My New Story!

one year ago

Thank you for the feedback!

Check Out My New Story!

one year ago

The first feedback I have in mind, other than the linearity which Perforated Penguin brought up, is that most of the pages are around 1 paragraph long. I would suggest that you start a new line every time there's dialogue to make it easier to read, and adding more information to each page would improve the story. Also, if you want to do short paragraphs of the main character growing up through the years, you could add them all in the same page so the reader does not have to click through multiple links before encountering an actual choice. I don't speak for everyone, but it might put some readers off since this is a choice-based story medium.

All of these are just possible things you could try to do. Aside from these, it would be good if you could proofread the story a bit to weed out some minor errors. Good luck with your story, and I hope it goes well!

Check Out My New Story!

one year ago

I do have a bit of advice in regards to formatting dialogue. This is entirely constructive, don't think I'm picking on you. When it comes to dialogue, it is correct to end your sentences with a comma instead of a period (unless it is at the end of the paragraph). The difference is slight but makes a difference.
Ex.
Wrong: "It's not all bad." Jim said.
Correct: "It's not all bad," Jim said.

Furthermore, with each change to a new speaker, you should start a new paragraph. For grammar reasons. And so you don't have crappy sentences that are hard to follow.
Ex.
Wrong: "Won't you just leave me alone?" Tina sighed. "Not until you give me an answer," grinned Stephen. "Fine," Tina groaned, "I'll tell you..."
Correct:
"Won't you just leave me alone?" Tina sighed.
"Not until you give me an answer," grinned Stephen.
"Fine," Tina groaned, "I'll tell you..."

These are two very important rules to follow in the structuring of dialogue, and they will help your scenes flow naturally if you do it right. If your characters are given enough, well, character, then you can take it a step further and stop constantly referencing people in a scene. Can also give off a back-and-forth effect if short enough.

"Give me the stone," the wrinkled old man wheezed. "A child such as yourself should not play with such things."
"What claim do you have on it, ancient one?" You retort.
"You try my patience, boy."
"And you mine."
A toothless snarl transforms into hoarse laughter. "Oh, you're quite the cheeky one! If that's the case, then—" The old codger leapt forth, surprising you with his agility and vigor, snatching the smooth, ovular rock from your hands, then dashing off with a cackle. "Try to keep up!" he taunts.
You were beginning to doubt you could after such a display, but you still chased after him...

Anyways, there you have it. Hope this helped some.

Check Out My New Story!

one year ago

Here's the link to a solid article on dialogue. I reference this one a lot whenever I pull a blank on how you are supposed to put words on a page.
https://self-publishingschool.com/how-to-write-dialogue/

Check Out My New Story!

one year ago

Check Out My New Story!

one year ago
Looks like the main things have already been addressed. You're going to need some branching in a branching story obviously, but before you get to that point you need to sort out your formatting and punctuation. I honestly wouldn't even attempt to read something all crammed together like this even if it was just one short paragraph per page.

The standard is a blank line and new paragraph each time the speaker changes, or when anyone besides the person speaking does an action. I was going to suggest browsing through some other games to see how that did it, but it looks like you've already rated plenty.

Anyway, it's hard to say much else with only a few pages to go on, but good luck with this.

....also, any chance you could lose the animated avatar? It's a bit annoying.