Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

I am taking your guys' advice to heart and have started working on a serious CYOA. 

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/parade-of-the-damned

You start as a 7 year old boy named Lenmolil. In a rather brutal fashion at that. This is only the first page, but I am using this thread as a placeholder for updates. 

Good luck with it!    ^v^

Expect the whole story to be as vivid and brutal as that first page too :) muahahaha

Okay let me give you some tips about writing this, you will first experience like excitment about yourself and write like 20 pages in one day. The next day you will not want to write, but if you get over this hill you should be good

lol I know that's what happened to the fist storygame I started when I came here. I had like 40 pages done then just quit and never went back.

I have two story games with over 100 pages each, and I'm stalled on both of them haha.

nice. :) Did you read the first page here? Thoughts? 

Does it open too brutally?

Not too gruesome, but personally I'd omit the bit about you actually being forced to watch him rape your mother. Maybe just include he's heard the noises from the other side of the door. Being under 7 years old and seeing your mother raped in front of you (by your father no less), would seriously mess you up in more ways than one.

Yep.

It's a hard knock life. :)

I thought about it, but I wasn't sure

I edited it and put something else there instead. Although I had plans for that piece later on, I will just work em some other way.

Damn, I didnt get to see the rape scene :(

wasn't really a scene, it was just the boy rationalizing what the father was doing to his mother when he dragged her to bedroom by saying that the father had forced you to watch him rape her before.

The words rape is in it, im satisfied

 

 

lol. I am thinking of changing it back because it ties into the story later on.

Yay!

haha

You can change it back lol. It was just a suggestion. I just think if on the first page you have "You saw your mother get raped by your father", it would probably turn a lot of people away from it.

Rape and children are very touchy subjects to many people.

For me this would be a huge turn on that this is a great story :P

 

Then you shouldn't be reading a story with the highest maturity rating :)

I am brutally honest when it comes to writing. I lived a hard life and I try to put that into my characters when applicable. Also say for instance someone can relate to that (which unfortunately I can *not my father raping my mother but being raped/witnessing the act) having control over a character you have a deep emotional attachment too can make the game just that much more enjoyable for you. 

And then again, some may still see it as tasteless. Either way It's being debated in my head.

Good.

There are a few lengthy pages up. Just put in my first actual choice. Feedback so far?

Good.

I am harboring quite a bit of disdain for you lol

Disdain or resentment?

both lol... but I am only kidding

Anyone interested in doing some proof reading for me?

Me. Me english no good but me want to help.

there are a few very simple mistakes I've noticed throughout the pages and when i write i tend to just write until I am finished then go back and correct anything so

I saw some of those mistakes.

If you (temporarily) make me a co-author i'll fix them all for you. Or if you'd like, I could copy-paste it into word and then send you a corrected version.

Anyone that helps with feedback or proof reading earns a cameo :) let me add you real quick.

I can help with proofreading; I'm very good at spelling and grammar, likely because I've read so many books.

Cameo.... Well If you put in a beast that eats babies and ravages towns and that the hero must kill as a cameo I would proof read it :P

I am in need of someone to draw up a map that i will describe in detail. Doesn't have to be detailed just look decent enough to host on my story game. Helping will earn you a cameo in the game. Nothing more nothing less.

Hmm...

interested Mr. Zerka?

Mayhaps - depends of the timing and what you want - and detail wise vs. how much of a headache it will be  :)

not bad here lemme send you the link of the paint project.

 

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm117/Aeon_spiral/end%20of%20the%20line/19bb6cf9-f1a9-47ea-b7bf-ad7bfa44a33a.jpg

 

note how the dotted lines over lap in the trade/slums/silver district. that is intentional.

Also would like some Mountains in the NE sections. 

That is actually not that bad :)

I figured it gets the point across, but looks cheesy compared to how much effort I am going to be pouring into the story itself. Wanted graphics to match :) 

This actually looks like a job for one of those canned fractal mappers...

Say wat? IDK what that means.

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm117/Aeon_spiral/Elroth.jpg

 

That is the map I made of the entire country of Elroth for my Story. Feedback?

Looks good. 

...

...

...

I think you got enough confirmation

lol Thanks Galo :) And everyone else. 

 

For some reason that isn't the finished version That's the original version before I cropped and touched it up...

 

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm117/Aeon_spiral/0b68f5d2-782e-49ff-96db-66135413a598.jpg

I wonder if that takes you to the cropped image? Anyways I need to know how to put that image into a game page.

I can't even read the story in question because the link just goes back to the main page, but just from the comments and similar things I've read, I think I know enough about this general style of story to make the observation that the 'heaping every possible misery upon all at once' approach doesn't necessarily always help the readers sympathize with your character. If you've already signaled that only horrible, horrible things are going to happen throughout the story, they already know not to hope for or expect anything more and thus don't allow themselves become emotionally involved.

It can even get to the point where it's even almost funny in a morbid way just seeing what horrible over-the-top trauma the author is going to think of to inflict on their characters next. (Read up on the development of the game called Drankengard 3 sometime...it's like the Aristocrats joke on infinite loop and it was actually hilarious for awhile watching the writers try to make every new character bio top the others in a never ending stream of lol child murder, lol rape, lol torture, lol torturerapemurder, and that was downright tame compared to the translations of the manga people were posting...)

To me it's much more effective giving readers a reason to care about your characters as people before you start piling tragedies on them, and even then it might be a good idea to rein it in a little so that they don't just become a mannequin that exists to showcase all the amazing styles of misery their author has lovingly designed...but of course that's just my opinion, YMMV and all standard disclaimers.

 

 

 

Really, you can't play it? I just went through it myself, just straight up storygame mode, and it worked fine. Then I went to edit to see if the links were leading to the right pages, they were. Found nothing wrong.

Doesn't work for me either. Must be because you are coathor. Aeon must have disabled sneak peak.

wtf is this? Signaled all possible horrors? what are you even talking about? This isn't a horror story? Its a fantasy adventure in which you start as a 7 year old boy.

He hasn't actually read it Aeon (You disabled sneak preview)

All he was able to judge it on was other people's comments.

I never did it must have when I switched to advanced editor.

I'll put it back on.

EDIT: Nevermind, doesn't give me the option.

I turned it on.

I can't access the story from the link either.

Im not sure what the problem couldd be, I enabled sneak peek I even logged otu and went to the link as a guest and it worked.

To the bug category?

She.

And it was more the comments like 'Expect the whole story to be as vivid and brutal as that first page too :) muahahaha' and the general attitude of 'haha oh man my story is gonna have so much gore and violence, it's gonna be awesome, CYS has never seen a story as mature as mine' here and in some other thread I glanced at that was ringing warning bells for me, because I've just seen so many people do this.

I wasn't targeting Aeon's story specifically because I wasn't able to read it (though now that the link is supposed to be working I'll take a glance at it in a bit), just elaborating more on why some people aren't a fan of that particular style.  (Or at least why 'a deep emotional attachment' isn't a response a reader automatically has just because things are going badly for a character.)

Well...?

It's true, Mizal is a girl.

She's got a vagina and everything!

And here I was, thinking Mizal was just a bronie.

Oh no I wasn't referencing this story as the one to be all gory and shit :) Just in general I plan on writing a gore story.