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I'm fairly new to the forums, but was hoping I could get some feedback on my writing style and direction for a mobile gamebook I'm working on.

There are several settings that can be selected by the player - which randomizes parts of the main story line to help with replay-ability. This setting is war-centric:

Six races settled the land of Argoria, and it seemed that was five too many. War has been raging on between each race for nearly twenty years. For some, they continue to fight out of pride while others fight for greed. As soon as the men came of age they were shipped off to the front lines, more often than not - never to return home.

So it was not uncommon to see nothing but women, children, and the elderly left fending for themselves in each of the townships. Unfortunately, it was not only the six races that bred trouble in Argoria, of which was met with little resistance in each of the feeble communities.

Goblins raided villages, bandits owned the roads, and creatures of the night roamed unchecked. After years of being pillaged and ravaged by the wilds, the elders from each of the six races agreed to form the Heroes Guard: an order sworn to protect all the townships within Argoria.

This is my story.

This is how I became part of the Heroes Guard, a glimpse of the wonders I saw... and the tragedies I bore witness to.

I'm not really sure what you want, so I'll just jump in with what you've posted...

The second paragraph would be better if divided between the first and third.  The first sentence completes the thought of the first, and the second sentence appears to begin the third.

I like the concept, though, so I can see myself enjoying the story.

Ah yeah I see what you mean. It is partially divided up that way based on what is visible on a small mobile screen :)

Old example of this text before the first round of editing:

I'm really just looking for any feedback. I'm a programmer and a wanna-be artist and writer. I just don't want my first game to come off like it was written by an 8 year old 

Thanks for your feedback and interest though!

This is slightly different than what you posted above, and it reads well.  The only other thing I see is that the last sentence ends in a preposition.  (In your original post, there are several more errors in the image.)

"*Mm, witness a tragedy, I did. " -Grammar Nazi Yoda

I'm not sure how I'd feel about Yoda correcting my writing, or being the monkey on my back during weapons training for that matter.

I still think he was just using Luke s a meat-shield in case that Darth Vader android showed up. But if worried you are about ending a sentence with a preposition, never will you do it, so long as Yoda you talk like.

I get it now.  Yoda dialogue courtesy of Google Translate.

mmm, interesting you can't edit a post?

The image was the original work before I did some edits. The Post is the updated text. Some friends & family members called out that the old version (image) was a dry and without personality on the race descriptions and that it didn't flow well for describing how the men were being sent out to war to leave the towns to protect themselves with little.

Mostly I just shared the image so you could get an idea of how it is broken up - but I can still make it better for future posts.

This is an updated capture with the post-text:

You can only edit a post before it is has a response.

I've read so many similar stories, I guess I was reading more into it than was actually present.  I can see how someone new to the genre might be a little lost without background info.  You could always provide side notes for those that need an intro...

Edit:  You can also replace the image with one of the same name and location and it will be reflected in the original post.  Or just provide a link for those with a slower connection so the thread will load faster.

Yeah, I want to ask you a question: Will it be released on PC?

How would I go about playing it on Linux?

Fuck Linux. Maybe you should have bought a PC instead of that shit.

I did.  And that's why I converted...

Then don't convert to Linux.

I'm never going back to WinBlows...

Mobile only. Seems to be the only place that interactive fiction has truly gotten a second wind (as far as the market goes).

That's too bad.  : (

I think I'll stick to my landline.  I'd hate to have to throw my phone away because someone wanted to call when I'm in the middle of a game.

If it's free, can you try to recreate it on the site?

It won't be free, but I will most certainly recreate one or more of the events (aka short stories) that will be in the game for feedback :)

Kindles are rocking the interactive fiction world.

Go shove that Kindle up your ass. PC GAMING MASTER RACE!

Have you played wizard's choice? They are fantastic.

I actually have. Heroes Guard is actually inspired by Life of a Wizard. I highly recommend checking it out!

I'm a big PC gamer myself. But being a 1-man team... mobile game development just seems to be more obtainable :)

Yeah I suppose. Once you think about it the mobile market has gone to Candy Crush, and the consoles are flooded by CoD games, so the PC is the best gaming console, but once you think about it, putting a CYOA game on mobile would bring back the feel of holding a book, rather than staring at a screen and clicking.

If you want the feel of holding a book, you should get a book.  I just don't get why people even want one thing to be like something else.

http://thingsthatlooklikeotherthings.tumblr.com

I do have the option of publishing to the kindle... wasn't sure what that market is looking like at the moment. I would have to buy a device for testing as well..

Ahaha, good luck with the storygame, it shows some promise that's for sure. I've messed around with Corona's SDK before and I have to say, good choice..

Oh, and you succeeded in "not looking like you have the writing ability of a nine year old" part. I'm impressed.. It seems like all of the newer members nowadays are nine year old warrior cat fanfic authors.

Like I said, good luck! I'm looking forward to getting to see more of the plot. 

Well, good luck on your endeavor. World needs more good Gamebook apps. :)